Finding A Therapist

I don’t like most therapists.    I find the lot of them too judgemental.      Growing up I was bullied & beaten on but I got through it often I was positive about it.   Then as I was a teen all I encountered were spoiled, sullen often ill mannered teens.   

I grow to be an adult I keep a good positive attitude and then I run into nothing but adult bullies who say nothing but cruel stuff to me or about me.    “Oh no one is that nice”   Grow up with abuse, still have abuse as an adult.    I have to say at this point in my life I neither like nor trust other people.   I sure haven’t hit the jackpot on meeting nice people.   Then I try to go into therapy & run into more of the abusive same with being judged by some so called educated hack who doesn’t even bother to really get to know me or what I’ve been through in my life.   Instead I find some crack pot who is going through her own life story.   How she was raised by Southern Baptists who didn’t treat her right ( boo hoo I thought that this was MY session)  How she bought a DNA kit & found out that she has some black blood coursing through her .   You know that you made a very erroneous mistake picking some person ( for lack of a nicer word)  when the session turns out to be all ABOUT THE THERAPIST.      And another failure .    No wonder people are turning to drugs in droves in this country the mental health system is a total mess.   I haven’t met one person who isn’t selfish or who didn’t want to take advantage of me.

I’m stuck.    No family, father is dead, no friends so what do I do?  It gets worse.   Hardly any money,   I’m stuck.   And all my Mother says is to PRAY.  Well that doesn’t help.

Young Millenial Men Stop Acting So Arrogant.

I was walking on my way to Pioneer Square yesterday morning heading to the ferry.    Here is what I noticed.   Young millennial men usually always Caucasion who act as though THEY own the sidewalk.    Let me give you an example.

As a habit & to stay out of people’s way I walk on the inside meaning to the farthest towards the wall like a building.   While I was walking a guy grown man is walking  right smack up to me.   He is not moving around me or anything.   Wow I thought what a prick.   Well I didn’t move either in fact I refused to let this guy who was one of those weirdo guys who wear the skin tight girly pants sporting that stupid hair style that’s shaved at the sides look.    OMG  wear a REAL HAIR STYLE!

So we stood there for what seemed like a few minutes BEFORE HE finally moved.   You see I will not tolerate ANYONE bullying, or intimidating me for ANY reason.   If your having a bad day keep it to yourself & stop acting like a damn child!

All I’ve Known Are Hateful , Meanspirited people but….I keep on & I don’t give up

I still struggle.   I still have no friends except for one in the Washington Veterans Home were I used to live near.     I still have no romantic relationship it has been many years.    Yep, I’ve been single a very long time.   I am treated with continued disrespect  for some reason most people just don’t care how I’m treated, I guess I have no feelings.    It’s difficult I feel marginalized and of course I feel like I have nothing to live for.    And sometimes I get triggered watching the damn TV especially the nightly news because I feel that the people on TV live better lives than I do.

There are many, many times where I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere!    I try to talk to my Mother but she just doesn’t get it.    All I get is:  “There are people out there who would love to be alone”.    That’s what she said to me today.   I’m like really?   No one enjoys being alone.    Another dumb thing my Mother said was this:  “Well you have some people who are with someone that they don’t really want to be with.   I didn’t relate to that one at all.       She says some dumb stuff.   I’m trying to find a good mental health therapist but those are real difficult to find especially when your all alone with ZERO SUPPORT.    I have a standing appointment coming soon.   I hope that this place helps me.    About 3 years ago I sat at the computer & typed out my family history so that whatever therapist I get can take the time to read it.   If I don’t get a therapist who will read what I typed then that therapist will no longer be my therapist.   I have some decades and I want someone to read what I had to go through,   I have to tell you that going through what I went through has gone a long way to almost ruin my life & provide me with a whole host of mental health issues which no one cares.    Does anyone give a damn?   I’m guessing NO.

Being alone with no one in my life, living in a bad part of town (again) and struggling to make something of myself in a world that thinks of me as a Nigger, lazy, no good  etc is kind of difficult.      I’m never given a chance.   

All This Hate Confuses Me

Living here in the PNW ( Pacific Northwest)  is difficult & mentally draining!   As a black woman I feel as though I’m constantly at the bottom of the heap in the pecking order of daily life.     That!  is unacceptable.    I feel disrespected.   I’ll tell you why.    There are times that I will be out at a restaurant and other blacks will simply be disrespectful.    I’ll give you an example.

I went to the International District of Chinatown to order some Chinese takeout.   As I’m sitting at the counter waiting for my order another much older black woman walks by and with one of those waving gestures with hand, wrist, forearm she clearly was trying to say something, and that something wasn’t really nice.   It was a swift downward type of gesture that she did.   I was sitting at the end of the counter.   I have no idea WHAT her problem was but it’s typical of the type of ignorant behavior I am on the receiving end of .

See,   I’m okay if you don’t like me just don’t take whatever negative emotion or issue that you might have?   out on me, because then there is a problem.   Now I do the best that I can & I just ignore it but sometimes I just get down right tired of the WAY that I’m treated!   From getting racial slurs screamed at me from a woman who is of another ethnic origin to disrespectful gestures from a miserable old hag   I’m tired of it.   It’s times like this that I’m very glad that I stay to myself!   I just have ZERO tolerance for ignorant / disrespectful behavior.    I so look forward to the day when I can meet that someone special AND move the hell out of KING COUNTY ( it sucks!)  especially southend  were it’s people are so out to lunch crazy among other things.    I’m counting the days!      Last month I’m riding a bus route an awful bus route that was over crowded & small.   A very unattractive man who had those deep creases in his forehead was on his cell phone talking loud for the whole bus to hear & he was standing\ right next to me was so goddamned rude & stupid.    I simply looked up at him because he was LOUD!   You get people that are too stupid to be aware enough to know that you use your INDOOR VOICE,  he did not.   So he is speaking to some other women I guess he got all insecure and he said:

“I don’t give a fuck, that’s why I moved to Washington from Chicago because weed here is legal”.     I guess some woman mentioned how loudmouth he was.    That guy needed his ass kicked off the bus.    I ended up getting off the bus several stops EARLY!   That guy was a total bastard & stupid.    I felt like telling him to take his dumb ass BACK to Chicago.       I have zero tolerance for ignorant & disrespectful, hateful behavior.    I live in an area that doesn’t have the brightest bulbs in the bunch.     Once again I will need to move once my lease ends.   The housing market is tough here and I’m on a few waitlists.    To save my sanity I ride the ferry whenever possible just to get away.      King County sucks!    Gotta go I’m hungry.

Hate The Month Of June

Two things I hate about the month of June.    If you don’t like it well that’s too bad.  

Fathers Day

Pride

My Father all he ever did was cause deep hurt & pain on a psychological level.   He was no man.   More of a little boy that occupied a mans body.   He just simply never grew up.  And he was hen pecked.  If you don’t know what that means look it up.   My Father passed away in 2006 and although I did shed a tear or two after awhile I grew to just loathe him because he seemed as dumb as a post never giving one iota of thought to the hurt he caused me & my Mother.   Court custody battle.   Now you have an idea of the pain.   I won’t talk about that because I’ve already covered it in previous blogs.   Don’t miss the SOB.   Fathers out there you all need to do better & not hurt your kids.    Your kids need a man, not a little boy.

I hate pride.   That is a pure farce.   Basically the LBQT or whatever letters of the alphabet is pure cut throat through & through.   I know I have experienced it for many years.   There ain’t nothing nice about that community.

The men I’ve found are pretty cool.  The women are mean, will stab you in the back, lie on you, will give you a dirty look,   I could go on & on.   I no longer like any of them.   I’m beginning to wonder are there any nice women out there?    I’m burnt out by all the meanness, sarcasm,  and the bullying.    Then in my case I seem to attract the desperate types the ones who you meet ONE TIME and they follow you around like some lost puppy.   Had one show up at my place of residence, I wasn’t friends with her….NOTHING! She found out where I lived because the woman & myself simply shared the same carpool, I don’t own a car and that year I was volunteering for a conference.   I will now find my own transportation if I do volunteer again for a conference or event,  it was all I could do not to slam the door in her face.

What was the last straw for me was on TWO occasions I had a person I thought was my friend LIE to someone else about me thus ruining any chance I might have had to make a true friend that might have led to more, here is a tip ladies other women get REAL jealous  & what better way to eliminate the competition than to make something up about you thus you now have a lost opportunity that’s gone forever.    Oh and let me not forget  how racist most of these women can be.  

I want to be with whoever I want to be with regardless of race.  But you get some women who don’t like that, and quite frankly in the words of Rhett Butler I don’t give a damn either.   

I ain’t feeling pride whatsoever.  In fact I think that a good movie at home OR taking a solo trip to the local islands here in Washington is preferable to the degrading show that this so called organization will be putting on display.  There’s no dignity in that parade whatsoever.

Words Of Wisdom On How You Approach A Crush. You know You Need to read.

We all need to be loved.

We all need a special person that we want to call our own.  With that nauseas statement said let me part onto my readers some free advice you probably would need to pay a therapist hundreds of dollars for.    When you are approached by someone who likes you?   You are in no way obligated to like them back.  In fact you don’t owe them anything.     I will share in my own experience from having lived in the transitional hell hole I spent the last four months living in.  

I’m in a real vulnerable & all around miserable place.   Then this man comes up to me to introduce himself.   Here is what I know my readers.   To you women listen:  When a man comes up to you and introduces himself it usually means that he likes you.    I already knew this.   And I was not interested.   And the timing was completely bad  I mean approaching me as I’m sitting down to lunch in a cafeteria on the grounds of a transitional homeless shelter?  that’s worse than being approached at a bar!

What bothers me is that some people need to be careful about their expectations it’s alright to introduce yourself to someone ( however a homeless shelter might not be a very smart idea) but never expect  that the person will feel the same way or even acknowledge you.    The problem I had with this particular guy was that he acted somewhat immature.   You introduce yourself & if the person isn’t interested….MOVE ON!   

I really didn’t appreciate on the day of my move out from the shelter being asked by the resident manager WHY I didn’t like the guy who approached me at the beginning of my stay at the transitional house.   I couldn’t believe the childishness behind this.    Boo hoo,  I mean what a baby that guy was.

I’m selective & proud of it.   I usually know when I feel something for someone & this guy just wasn’t the one that I even was interested in.   Rejection is a part of life especially when meeting someone, seeing someone you like, or approaching someone you like.    Now there are some people who attract TONS of people more than they know what to do with.   But they’re kind of few & far in between most of us struggle.   Women we need to be selective & have that self respect along with having good self esteem, something I’ve been working on for years.     And I hope one day I’ll meet the one but so far it looks like I’ll be waiting a little longer.   I will try to approach someone however I won’t get my hopes up.   I have someone I’m interested in.   Wish me luck wouldn’t it be great if I met someone?   And summer is a great time to meet a person that you like!

I Have My Own Place.

I’m out of that disgusting transitional house the one for veterans that are homeless.   Where the men are disgusting, looking for girlfriends , and never bath!

Where there was one loud mouth queen bee who got on my nerves, and were the cafeteria food was real disgusting.    I’m so glad to be out of that place.

I think that I may have wrote about how bad the housing is here in the Pacific Northwest of Washington.   So it’s not a stretch to say that I have a nice apartment one bedroom, I am out pretty far from Seattle.    And my rent still is 1,025.00 monthly.  I live in a brand new building but the area is filled with a mixture of homeless, and druggies their not hard to miss.    At least there are some trees to see.

Getting moved into here I had to depend on a senior resident employee which I didn’t like very much.   Part of the perks of living at this place that was way out on the Peninsula.   However the guy was a bit of a well I want to be nice he seemed like he wanted to put me through changes.    Here is what I mean for example:   The guy who drove me to my new place had asked me why I didn’t talk to a certain guy who I guess was REAL interested in me ( yuck).   I guess the guy who liked me was real “stymied” that was the word used by the senior resident guy driving me to my new apartment.    

Here is my feeling on it.   I choose who I want to be with, and who I don’t want to be with.   And just because a guy comes up to me to introduce himself?   It doesn’t mean that I am obligated to like a man back.   This is something that the majority of adults SHOULD KNOW!   especially the older you get.    And a homeless place?

This was my 2nd stint of homelessness.    Now in my new apartment I feel pretty good.   

I’m now on the road to getting my life together.   Being a woman in 2018 isn’t easy.   Being a single woman who wants only the best in life is even harder.

Teachers I Had Weren’t Worth Much!

I heard on the radio today that it’s National teachers appreciation day.   What a joke!   For me teachers when I was a child were indifferent about my learning, all they cared about were their paychecks.    I was ignored by them, they really didn’t care especially White teachers when it comes to kids of color & I’m not making this up people they think NOTHING of Black, brown kids.

The only teacher who deserves appreciation and I never was privileged enough to be his student was a man named Hymie Escalante.    Jaime Escalante taught High school math at Garfield High school located in East L.A.  a predominately Hispanic part of town.    He didn’t just teach high school math he taught these kids who struggled at the beginning in fractions & guided them all the way to advanced calculus to take the AP test that awards college credit.    He taught for several years too.     Jaime Escalante has his own postage stamp too.   Unsure if I even spelled his name correctly but if your not familiar with his name there is a movie based on his real life called “Stand And Deliver”   starring Edward James Olmos as Jaime Escalante.    Now Jaime Escalante was a RARITY among teachers!    He is the only one in my book that deserves any appreciation.   Wished I were privileged to have been one of his students.    I’ve had many teachers in Middle & high school and none of them measured up to Jaime Escalante.