How I Lost My Faith With My Fellow Human Beings.

Human beings.

They’re something else aren’t they?  They come in many shapes,sizes,colors.

Well, I’ve lost faith in my fellow man,women,child too.

See, I’m African American,female and I feel polarized,outcast, and that no one in this World gives a good goddamned about me.

I’ve good reason to feel this way.

See, as a little girl I’ve attended the ever awful public school system only to be:



And expected to perform below par of my fellow students

Teachers were lazy & incompetent.

I receive zero attention.

Then I graduate from High School miracle of miracles and I join the good old United States Army.  And its in the Army I feel that I will get guidance,structure,displine.

What I got instead was lots of verbal abuse that questioned my intelligence usually by one junior grade officer who went by Lt. Gray I don’t give a shit about using her name since she didn’t give a shit on how she treated me.  Shit the way I saw it Lt. Gray had it all.  A college degree, a career but she still wanted to torment me.

And there were other abuses I suffered while I served in the good old military. But    no one cared.

So I get out & go back home I move in with Mom, and she doesn’t want me there.  Why? because she is selfish and doesn’t care.  Add to the mood swings & what you have is a combustible situation.

By now I’m ill prepared for civilian life.  I so wish I would have did things differently.  Getting out of the Army was a good decision, because the Army SUCKED!   I just should have done things differently.   It would have been nice to have had a supportive family but I didn’t.  So I was basically adrift.  I didn’t want to be, but that’s how it turned out.  I’m not particularly proud of that.  It’s not something I would have preferred, I wanted to have a family to go to in times of support, but the people concerned were so damned self centered that if my hair were on fire & I stood in front of them that they would absent mindedly give me gasoline to put it out.

That’s how clueless my Mom & Dad (who divorced when I was 2 living in separate states Dad remarried, Mom seeing her off again on again boyfriend) were.

Abuse, being told that I would amount to nothing, being told I was stupid, then having no one believe in me, well my life really hit the skids.

It’s particularly devastating to go through life ignored or going through life & your the butt of jokes or going through life & your bullied, humiliated after a while especially when you’ve gone through years & years of this you get REAL DEPRESSED!  You give up & stop believing anyone is nice.

I don’t like people now, I just don’t.

After the racial hate crime that happened which I wrote about on here which is called PTSD Aug 6, 2010 I don’t trust no goddamned  one.  I don’t know just how long I’ll feel this way, it will take a real live nice human being to convince me otherwise.   I really miss how I used to be, I miss that person.   However I am thinking of getting either a small dog or cat.  That will really go a long way to help me out of my ever increasing depression.   Remember you all who read this: Depression is a very real illness, when you encounter nothing but hostility it feels like your constantly being kicked in your gut.  Understand?  What I really need is a miracle.  Perhaps it isn’t too late to believe that it could happen for me.  I sure hope so.

So by now I ‘m reaching out but not expecting anything.  I’ve learned not to.  Plenty of disappointment has marred my life.  Once I was trusting,believed in my fellow man, I was positive & saw only good things.  Now its an absolute struggle.  Now I don’t even look forward to waking up in the morning.

I would like so much to get support.

But I won’t hold my breath cause I know that you all out there could care less.


Post Script: March 15, 2013 I’ve noticed by my stats I’ve gotten over 400 views but no comments to encourage me to hang in there.  I’m disappointed!  You can read I’m struggling but no comments.   *sigh*  seems like I was right.  this post is not a work of fiction everyone, to me posting is not just entertainment. Posting on here is a matter of life & Death.  Thanks a lot fellow human beings…..NOT!   😦