Relationships…..I just don’t get them…ANY OF THEM!

I’m home on yet the umpteenth time on a Saturday night.  So what do I do?  Blog of course!  Nothing else to do.  I don’t have anyone to call up so its alone again in my apartment.  Sucks I understand why people abuse substances, I don’t do them but they sure would fill the void sometimes.   I want to blog about relationships.  I don’t understand what they are, how people meet nor do I even have a concept of how they get together…even get married I really don’t have a concept of it..   No one has EVER taught me these things.  If you’ve read my blog you’d understand.   I’ve been alone for sometime & in addition to all the struggle I go through I just don’t know how to meet people.   I’m a pretty traumatized woman having met nothing but mean & malicious types of people practically my WHOLE ADULT LIFE!  Its true.   Lots of prejudice, being locked out of groups.   I just don’t know how you even make friends!  Especially when all you’ve known are really unkind people.   I’ve never really known a kind person.  All I’ve known are mentally ill types that are a few cards shy of a full deck never normal nor do they have a stable personality.   I have no idea what that’s even like everyone.  That’s why I blog in the hopes to make some nice friends…whatever that means.   21st Century America sure does suck doesn’t it.  People are now even more meaner, reckless, will turn against you at the drop of a dime & basically there is no value placed on another human being to include human life!

I expect to be killed by someone elses hand than to make any positive friends.  Being alienated has really affected me psychologically…real bad!   I don’t know perhaps it was the hate crime from three years ago where I was threatened with stabbing even threatened with my life in addition to several racial & demeaning terms that refer to the ladies who walk the streets at night , that perhaps my thinking has grown dark.   It could be.  All I know is I just don’t know how to meet NICE people out in this awful dark & sinister World.

How do people even get married?….Now that one really baffles me!  Give me a complex math problem & I will solve it.. I’m highly intelligent.  But relationships?  You might as well ask me to read Arabic cause I just don’t know.   To bad life isn’t a lot like math it would be a better world in my opinion.  All I’ve known is hate, humiliation, being bullied, being talked down to like I was nothing more than tree moss!   When it comes to what relationships are?  I’m illiterate on that one.   What I need is a REAL FRIEND who could teach me.   Remember I come from abuse, mental illness, neglect, verbal abuse….these are things that I know real well.  Never knew the opposite which are nice, humane, decent people.   The closest I get to such people is on TV!  Sad but very true.   I’m pretty lost when it comes to what a relationship is.  Oh well that’s it for now, time to go back to watching Days Of Thunder starring Tom Cruise.  Have a good Saturday night, go out & have some fun for me!   I’m stuck at home.