Life With Mental Illness

I’ve lived with a Mental illness I guess since I entered into my teens.  I had to deal with:

Being a teenager & the changes that brings i.e. feeling like an ugly duckling, feeling like you don’t fit in anywhere!

A mentally ill Mother

My low self esteem

The beginning of depression

Being extremely shy

Feeling extremely lost & it seemed no one cared.

When my mental illness comes on it is like a terrible storm inside.

I feel as though I’m falling apart.

I feel complete despair like I’m falling into one big black hole & that I can’t crawl out of .

When I experience triggers like when I learned that my cousin was brutally beaten at the hands of her own Mother I felt such a rage mixed in with depression & despair I was really grateful I did not reside within the same City & state as that Mother who beat up my cousin.  I’m one who believes in vengeance!  I don’t take chlld abuse lightly either.  You can tell that crap of “let go let god” to someone who cares because I guarantee that you’ve never been on the receiving end of someones brutality.   I sure have more times than I can count too.  

Today was an absolute struggle for me.   People who beat their kids & give them bruises as well as black eyes, racial hate were racial slurs are verbally screamed at me along with death threats.  I feel ready to go to war most times.  I’ve reached my limit on violence.  My family history is steeped in it.  Violence & mental illness.  I have no clue what a nice, normal family is like.   Not one clue.   What I can tell you is I’m not shy to tell you to NOT talk to me crazy or if your stepping out of bounds!  Trust me there are a lot of stupid folks out here that act like they must have grew up in a cave or something.  I don’t know about all of you out there but I sure don’t run into nice folks.  Living with mental illness means people sure are judgemental of you, or treat you like your mentally challenged.  Rarely is there any respect mostly contempt, rudeness, mocking, jokes at your expense.  I can’t tell you how many times over the years when a stranger out on the street would mock me.  An example was a lady on the corner who was giving away free samples one summer…I say no thank you  the free sample lady repeats what I had said only it was dripping with sarcasm so I talked back to her!   I just have zero tolerance for being talked down to.   Now I don’t mind teasing IF I know you & your a friend of mine.  But don’t go & joke at my expense okay?  That is just not cool.  Just because I have a mental illness does NOT give anyone permission to talk any kind of way they want to with me.  Just so you’ll know.  I struggle, I have very little family support so for me its a day to day struggle of accompolishing even the most simple of tasks.   I have no help.  So I do the best that I can.     I’m so tired with the discrimination, bigotry, I deserve to be treated with respect, I’m equal to anyone, and I do not deserve any disrespect.  I’ll call you on that one!   I’m smart, attractive & I deserve a whole lot more!  Dealing with this alone sometimes is just more than I can stand!