Life With Mental Illness

I’ve lived with a Mental illness I guess since I entered into my teens.  I had to deal with:

Being a teenager & the changes that brings i.e. feeling like an ugly duckling, feeling like you don’t fit in anywhere!

A mentally ill Mother

My low self esteem

The beginning of depression

Being extremely shy

Feeling extremely lost & it seemed no one cared.

When my mental illness comes on it is like a terrible storm inside.

I feel as though I’m falling apart.

I feel complete despair like I’m falling into one big black hole & that I can’t crawl out of .

When I experience triggers like when I learned that my cousin was brutally beaten at the hands of her own Mother I felt such a rage mixed in with depression & despair I was really grateful I did not reside within the same City & state as that Mother who beat up my cousin.  I’m one who believes in vengeance!  I don’t take chlld abuse lightly either.  You can tell that crap of “let go let god” to someone who cares because I guarantee that you’ve never been on the receiving end of someones brutality.   I sure have more times than I can count too.  

Today was an absolute struggle for me.   People who beat their kids & give them bruises as well as black eyes, racial hate were racial slurs are verbally screamed at me along with death threats.  I feel ready to go to war most times.  I’ve reached my limit on violence.  My family history is steeped in it.  Violence & mental illness.  I have no clue what a nice, normal family is like.   Not one clue.   What I can tell you is I’m not shy to tell you to NOT talk to me crazy or if your stepping out of bounds!  Trust me there are a lot of stupid folks out here that act like they must have grew up in a cave or something.  I don’t know about all of you out there but I sure don’t run into nice folks.  Living with mental illness means people sure are judgemental of you, or treat you like your mentally challenged.  Rarely is there any respect mostly contempt, rudeness, mocking, jokes at your expense.  I can’t tell you how many times over the years when a stranger out on the street would mock me.  An example was a lady on the corner who was giving away free samples one summer…I say no thank you  the free sample lady repeats what I had said only it was dripping with sarcasm so I talked back to her!   I just have zero tolerance for being talked down to.   Now I don’t mind teasing IF I know you & your a friend of mine.  But don’t go & joke at my expense okay?  That is just not cool.  Just because I have a mental illness does NOT give anyone permission to talk any kind of way they want to with me.  Just so you’ll know.  I struggle, I have very little family support so for me its a day to day struggle of accompolishing even the most simple of tasks.   I have no help.  So I do the best that I can.     I’m so tired with the discrimination, bigotry, I deserve to be treated with respect, I’m equal to anyone, and I do not deserve any disrespect.  I’ll call you on that one!   I’m smart, attractive & I deserve a whole lot more!  Dealing with this alone sometimes is just more than I can stand!

At Last! Nice Weather!

Living in Seattle has its challenges for me.   First there are the stuffy, unfriendly almost reserved to a fault Seattle natives,  Then there is that damn depressing weather!  Around 10 months a year of it.   Living here as long as I have I begin to understand why the majority of people here are so damn sullen.   I am not like these folks, thanks in part to having been raised in California, being able to have traveled all over which helps, but I still do get majorly depressed living here!  Unfortunately I can’t afford to move out of state so I’m working on that.  And no I don’t wish to move back to California because it just isn’t the same California that Mom & I had to flee from all those many years ago.   Nope!  I no longer care for that state.

So, it stands to reason that this time of year?  Which is when spring is almost turning into Summer that I love the most!   The sun is actually OUT!   I can actually see blue sky’s & billowing white clouds!  My favorite since I was a child growing up in California.   I swear sometimes living in the Pacific Northwest I actually do forget what a blue sky & white  clouds even look like!   It’s June and this month its so far free from rain.   Free from grayness.   I’m free to put the shorts on, leave the umbrella at home as well as the jacket & head out the door in summer attire!   I love tropical weather.    I hate: snow, mountains, hiking.   I surely do live in the WRONG state!   I already know that thank you very much.   But it is what it is.   I love sun, sand, palm trees, ocean waves rolling up onto the sand.   I also love TAN people!  And not the paleness of marshmellow bodies that permeate this town.   I hope to one day be able to go on one of those working vacations where I could volunteer on a farm and where the room & board are free.  There are such places & there is a website for places all over the World too.   But I want Hawaii  there its not full of uptight folks who act like their underwear is in a bunch.   I love laid back, warm weather, I work hard & I like to RELAX.  Here where I currently live there isn’t much of that going on with people.   So to cope which I’ve had YEARS of practice with, I just ignore people.   I’ve heard that Los Angeles, New York are bad…..but in my opinion Seattle has got them both beat hands down in the frigid personality department.   I know I live here unfortunately.   Here is how I cope.  Anything that I find with palm trees, sand blue water I frame them and keep them around in my apartment.   I keep tropical plants its a way to make me feel like I’m NOT in the Pacific Northwest.   I love to pretend that I don’t live here.  Its how I cope.  And hey I just can’t stand it here so until I win the sweepstakes or finish school & get a job elsewhere I’m kind of stuck here.  Unfortunately.   Perhaps I’ll be fortunate enough to meet someone who has moved here from out of town?   Until then I’ll enjoy the weather, pretend I don’t live here & seek ANY positive escape any way that I can.   Its called living single in a town you just can’t stand.

Going it Alone, Starting Over With No Support.

Coming soon,  Starting over with nothing, making a second start in life in a city that’s pretty unfriendly.   It is tough you all just don’t know! 

But I need my beauty rest its late and I need to sleep.  I care about me even though no one else does.   Can’t say I deserve it.  But it is what it is.

Stay strong  GOOD NIGHT!

Alright it is now morning I managed around 5 1/2 hours of sleep not quite enough but just enough to feel pretty refreshed sometimes I sleep a little too much while other times not enough.  It’s nearing 9AM I think I’ve already got a pretty good start to my day just having my morning coffee & listening to my favorite opera aria Caro Nome sung by Maria Callas.  Caro Nome is by the composer Verdi.   Yes I’m a fan of opera.  And I’m not ashamed to say it either.   I’m not some old biddy grandma type either.   I’m attractive, pretty hip but I’ve got culture!   The good majority hates opera.  Well to those folks your missing out on something beautiful!   I am starting fresh I’m embarking on what I hope is a brand new journey.   Here is a list of what I want to achieve:

Attend Community College

Get a four year degree.   Not a small feat because ALL through K-12  I was always told that I was not smart enough.  Oh yes!  I’m not making this up everyone, I had some pretty ignorant & uncaring Teachers.   To all those teachers who were haters..Kiss my ass!  

Work for the Department Of Navy

Live in Hawaii

Own a farm in Hawaii

My short term goals are to:

Become a volunteer to help out at a farm in Hawaii for my vacations which will be for me a working vacation the only such kind of vacation I could afford.   Remember I live in a not so great City, where folks are so unfriendly, unresponsive, repressed, uptight folks you’ve ever seen that I need a break from all that!   I also don’t have that great of family support ….well whats left of a family which for me all I have left is my elderly Mother.   All that matters to me?  Is living my life the way I want!  I’ve suffered for many years with lonliness, isolation and actually I still do.   I’ve suffered from someone elses hate, I’ve had SEVERAL racial slurs screamed at me, been given death threats of PHYSICAL harm, been called a whore, a fat bitch.   When I say that I’ve encountered HATE, I mean just that everyone just so you’ll know, and hell I want the whole world to know this.  Encountering this kind of hate & torment really does something to a persons mind & i’m no exception.   For any one of you reading my blog I just need to spell that out just so I’m not dismissed with the inane “Well everyone gets bullied”   I feel I’m dismissed, ignored, and I’m not even treated like I have feelings!    So, basically I just will do what I want.  I care little about anyone else outside of Mom of course.   But I tell you what?  For those that get a kick out of deliberately acting ignorant & talking crazy to me, all I’ve got to say is I won’t just stand there & take it.   I will hurt you back in return.   

If you talk nasty to me, then I’ll talk as equally bad back to you.

If you try & hurt me I’ll hurt you back!   You won’t get a scared, panicked woman.   Oh no!   You’ll get a true blue fighting woman warrior.   I’m real serious because I’ve had enough.   Has anyone ever seen the movie Network?  Its a classic 70’s movie that starred William Holden.   For those of you who aren’t into classic movies there is a scene were everyone is angry of all the bullshit and there is this phrase that is a famous catch phrase for that movie.   “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore”  Of course they’re saying this as they’re throwing their TV’s out of the window, but its still a phrase that I never forgot.  And its my new mantra!   I’m mad as hell and I’m not taking it anymore!  When a person is kicked around enough times this is what happens. 

At least for me anyway.    Look for more updated posts.   I doubt that anyone reads these anyway.  So I may as well say Lone Ranger I’ll be posting to you….myself in the future.

I’m not on here for any popularity contest anyway.

Seattle A Town I Love To HATE!

If your sensitive to Seattle bashing….TOO BAD!  Go read someone elses blog.   With that said, today the temperatures are finally getting decent 79 degrees about time!   I can’t wait to break out the shorts I’m stoked not to have to carry an umbrella, wearing a jacket which is lame in June.   Sure enough I see people out here wearing warm winter clothing in JUNE!  I’M thinking that perhaps these folks are special needs?  No, they don’t seem like that but it makes me kind of wonder.   Here is an example of what I’m talking about.  Today while I’m boarding the bus and remember its 79 degrees!  I notice a woman in a brand spanking new thick white sweatsuit only problem is its too warm out to wear such a thing!   She even has the hood up.   Oh yeah CRAZY as a bedbug looking like a grim reaper only in white.

So I board the bus its really warm.  Unfortunately there’s no A/C so that means the top half of the windows are open.  The windows are about five inches in width.  I go to take a seat at the back of the bus, I sit down, and there is this woman who sits on the bench seat right in front of me.   This woman is closing the windows!  So I bite my tongue to try to sit through my ride.  Sure enough?  This woman is asking the passenger sitting next to her if it would be alright to CLOSE another window.   It was at this time that I got up from my seat, and said as I was making my way down the aisle this: “It’s 79 degrees out & you want the windows closed” .  I had to say something because it just didn’t make any sense as warm as it was.  I saw more folks with warm jackets i.e. down jackets, sweaters, do any of these people tune into the Weather Channel?  Or even the local news for the forecast?  Or perhaps these folks are sweating the pounds off.  Yeah, that must be it!  …lol.   Oh Seattle, how I hate you so.  It’s just the motivation I need to get that degree finished then apply for a job out of Washington state.   Destination? Hawaii one day to work for the Department Of Navy.   That is my dream!  Well at least I have my decent apartment but of course I want more out of life than just a decent apartment.  I want to live in a city where its natives aren’t so weird & dysfunctional, as well as these folks being severely personality challenged.  

Relationships…..I just don’t get them…ANY OF THEM!

I’m home on yet the umpteenth time on a Saturday night.  So what do I do?  Blog of course!  Nothing else to do.  I don’t have anyone to call up so its alone again in my apartment.  Sucks I understand why people abuse substances, I don’t do them but they sure would fill the void sometimes.   I want to blog about relationships.  I don’t understand what they are, how people meet nor do I even have a concept of how they get together…even get married I really don’t have a concept of it..   No one has EVER taught me these things.  If you’ve read my blog you’d understand.   I’ve been alone for sometime & in addition to all the struggle I go through I just don’t know how to meet people.   I’m a pretty traumatized woman having met nothing but mean & malicious types of people practically my WHOLE ADULT LIFE!  Its true.   Lots of prejudice, being locked out of groups.   I just don’t know how you even make friends!  Especially when all you’ve known are really unkind people.   I’ve never really known a kind person.  All I’ve known are mentally ill types that are a few cards shy of a full deck never normal nor do they have a stable personality.   I have no idea what that’s even like everyone.  That’s why I blog in the hopes to make some nice friends…whatever that means.   21st Century America sure does suck doesn’t it.  People are now even more meaner, reckless, will turn against you at the drop of a dime & basically there is no value placed on another human being to include human life!

I expect to be killed by someone elses hand than to make any positive friends.  Being alienated has really affected me psychologically…real bad!   I don’t know perhaps it was the hate crime from three years ago where I was threatened with stabbing even threatened with my life in addition to several racial & demeaning terms that refer to the ladies who walk the streets at night , that perhaps my thinking has grown dark.   It could be.  All I know is I just don’t know how to meet NICE people out in this awful dark & sinister World.

How do people even get married?….Now that one really baffles me!  Give me a complex math problem & I will solve it.. I’m highly intelligent.  But relationships?  You might as well ask me to read Arabic cause I just don’t know.   To bad life isn’t a lot like math it would be a better world in my opinion.  All I’ve known is hate, humiliation, being bullied, being talked down to like I was nothing more than tree moss!   When it comes to what relationships are?  I’m illiterate on that one.   What I need is a REAL FRIEND who could teach me.   Remember I come from abuse, mental illness, neglect, verbal abuse….these are things that I know real well.  Never knew the opposite which are nice, humane, decent people.   The closest I get to such people is on TV!  Sad but very true.   I’m pretty lost when it comes to what a relationship is.  Oh well that’s it for now, time to go back to watching Days Of Thunder starring Tom Cruise.  Have a good Saturday night, go out & have some fun for me!   I’m stuck at home.