Online is a dangerous & psychological addiction

Take it from me stay off of Facebook or anything online except here on WordPress.  Also I just don’t seem to meet the right kinds of friends.   I don’t like the internet period.   I know its not good for me. This is a blog about how psychologically addictive being on Facebook can be.  This is also a blog about online friends.  For me these are no good.  I’m no good making friends in the off line World & it seems online as well.  I am a woman who lives without.

Without a lot of money.

Without good looks and in the gay community looks & status are everything.  I have neither. 

Little to no family support I have an78 year old Mother..she is also on meds for mental illness I do not live with her she lives with her Husband who also has psychiatric problems.  Coupled with all of the things I’ve endured in my life everyone it really doesn’t create the most emotionally healthy of individuals.   I’ve missed out on a lot in my life.  Except for high school I’ve never been real popular in my adult life.  To date I still live alone, I’m still single never having had a single long term relationship in my life….and I’m up in age …late 30’s.  Those I’ve been involved with were real brief & didn’t amount to anything!  One person I was involved with was too ashamed to even introduce me around, never took me out, so in conclusion with that so called relationship?  It was a booty call which to say in the least is real demeaning because at the age I was I had never ever heard of such a thing….its not like anyone taught me anything and I wanted to be wanted isn’t that what everyone wants?  When you’ve grown up without love, nurturing, neglect, being ignored, verbally abused, psychologically abused your not exactly a good candidate for  healthy person of the year award once your old enough to go out into the World.   So picture this for most of my adult life I’ve searched for many years to get mental health therapy.  It is not easy everyone!  Theres the insurance issue, money issue, and finding the right therapist is KEY!  So guess what?  Needless to say my search was pretty exhausting.  Most were just plain phony, one such therapist I saw through a school in Seattle it was a student psychology center had sent me out to get evaluated and the place she sent me too wouldn’t even give me one unless I became THERE client!  So in short I was sent on a wild goose chase, and the student therapist didn’t know what she was talking about.  When I had asked her why she would send me somewhere not knowing all the facts she replied “I didn’t know”.

I have a lot of problems, I’m lonely, and have been for many years.  I just don’t know how to meet people.  I thought I knew, I mean when I was younger & so much happier full of so much promise I was real outgoing.  But it seemed every time I put myself out there?  I was greeted with the following:

Snubbed

Cursed at

Treated rudely

Stood up on dates

Left & abandoned while out on dates

Add to all the trauma & cruelty I survived only to be constantly rejected like I was I am now in all honesty a very jealous, envious of anyone to include that former FB friend who is beautiful, rich, popular, has family who loves her  I just really  envied her.   Of course I was jealous that she went back to her equally gorgeous ex.   I just hated that.  And hey I know I’m flawed Gee wonder where I got it from?   But on the good side I now know everyone is flawed so even though I’m alone I’m not alone in being the only flawed individual on this here Earth.   I’ve never learned self esteem how I’ve learned was THE LACK OF EVERYTHING.  But most important lack thereof was LOVE!   So please no judgement calls or saying “Well gee you have to love yourself”   I already know this, I need to be TAUGHT how to do that.  And there was a time when I did but through tragic circumstances that also include friends I used to have that have died by:

Disease the main one?  The AIDS virus

Suicide

I’ve seemed to have grown darker over the years.  I want to find the happiness.  I have worked real hard,  volunteering, trying to be an active participant in life but for some reason ….no connection whatsoever!   I would volunteer at one place & I swear while performing my duties a woman I worked with all of a sudden would scream & give her lead volunteer coordinator the middle finger all because he asked her did she bring supplies to give to the homeless street youth.   I’ve had a lot of these kinds of experiances which I did not hesitate to just get the hell out of there.   On another volunteer assignment I was being verbally abused but when I went to report it or go talk to my supervisor he just blew me off!   I’ve had one bad incident after another after another.  I’ve never known a life of stability nor even stable people.   This affects you emotionally, spiritually, psychologically.   I’ve grown bitter  & unhappy.  I am 100% honest with who I am.  And I’m trying to change that but what I need is love & support someone who just will hang in there with me.   All things considered I didn’t turn out too bad.   Oh and the most damaging was the racial hate crime back in the summer of 2010  I was called Nigger at least 12 times, and the person threatened to stab me dead with her knife.  So among my other disorders are PTSD which comes out at the most inappropriate times & sometimes I say inappropriate things.   I am real sick.   I’m sick & scared!   Yes your probably saying just like my former FB friend had said I don’t know what to do for you.  Yes I’ve heard this.   Well you know what?   Most times I don’t know what to do.   All I know is I’ve feel every bit like a soldier that has returned home from the War.  In fact I read that soldiers returning from War aren’t the only ones who experience severe PTSD.  Help for me will take lots of time I hope I will get well….I feel that there is hope but I’m pretty broken add to that lots of low, low self esteem.   All due to the many years living alone, alienated.   It’s an extremely difficult way to live.  And I suffer from mental illness coupled with the all too human envy & jealousy.   I need LOVE spend some time with me just talking to me face to face.   And hey I know I’m asking a lot but put yourself out there for me.   I want to be wanted, I want to be loved & nutured.  I want to be listened to, I want to matter to someone else.   Can you please try and understand that?  I want you to make me top priority to say a special prayer just for me!   To help me along in my recovery. 

I’m really severely ill with a mental illness.   Forgive me, love me, stick with me on my road to recovery.  Also pray for me to quit smoking so I don’t keel over with a heart attack.