I’m doing alright for now, had a real bad bout of my illness. So just now I’m in bed its late but I do my best thinking while lying in bed. And I had many thoughts going on at once it seemed but one thought was how ill equipped I am to even live alone. Its just not for me. Only thing is that I really had no choice since living at my Mothers house was not much of an option because she is unstable plus she lives with her Husband who is also a bit on the unstable side & kind of a creep. I think I may have heard somewhere or heard it from someone about living on your own. That it builds character or something. Well living on your own may build character, but living alone is for me somewhat like a prison only difference is I could come & go as I like. But its real lonely, not much fun and I realize that there would be a line out my door to live alone especially those with kids but for me I would be the one to gladly take their place. I like the noise of kids, the chaos I’m just not cut out for living alone. I’m a huge fan of the extended family where generations live under one roof just like what other cultures have practiced for many decades. I’m really born into the wrong culture here. What worries me is that with the constant stress of living alone that it could shorten my lifespan. This is not something I just happen to think up just now I actually read that somewhere. Not to mention it is incredibly boring & unsatisfying. Don’t mind sleeping alone I’m fine with that I just want to hear someone else’s voice in the house. I wouldn’t mind a break where myself & whoever would do our own thing whether that be reading a book & I would do my own thing, but I do like someone else in the house with me. It would do my mental health a world of good. I’ve lived this way for many years and let me tell you, I just have never liked it. I had some bad roommates most have sucked, but I did live with some cool roommates right out of College it was three other women & me we shared a three bedroom rambler type of house over in the suburbs the same one where I currently live. I was pretty happy. However we rented the place & the owners of the property weren’t paying their mortgage & we were given I think 2 weeks to move out. I was so incredibly angry with those owners as well as pretty devastated cause I really liked the house & the women I lived with.
My suggestion is get some roommates you like perhaps your friends or if your lucky a significant other. I’ve always wanted to live with someone now that’s a big step in any relationship. But that’s never happened mainly because I’ve had such a difficult time in meeting anyone. I’ve never been real lucky in love sad to say. It seems cupid constantly missed the mark where I’m concerned. I don’t know, but I just like someone there in the house. I tried to talk to my Mother about this, and I swear I don’t know why I even bother telling her anything! Cause all she says to me is “Well when you live with someone theres problems” blah, blah, blah. She just did not validate my feelings whatsoever. It sucks. So I’m left with my feelings and no one to share them with except on here. I love blogging on here but it would be so nice to have another human being preferably an intelligent one who would just listen to me. Its stuff like this that I go into my manic episodes. Stress always triggers it. My life sucks I’m trying to make it better. Show me some love by sending me some much needed prayers. Cause I’m trying but always I feel that no one cares or even pays attention. I need to know someone out there cares.