Ever Feel Like You Don’t Fit In?

Oh Man!  What a day.  Not real good.  I did manage to empty the remainder of my stuff out of storage.  The bad news is I have a shoulder messenger style bag missing.  And let me tell you good luck getting good customer service with Farwest Cab co.   Every time I called which was 3 times I was told “Call back in 5 minutes”  On my 4th call I got a half assed dispatcher who put me through to lost & found…which is located in Rainier Valley here in Seattle.  The worst part of town.   That’s if I even left my bag in the cab I was riding in which I hope I did.  I don’t own a car, yeah I know I should have a car but you have to have money to have some sort of car.  And I just don’t know the first thing on how to buy one.  Plus I’d have no one to go with me.   I would get chewed up alive by the car sales people.  But I digress.   Once I went back to the storage facility to retrace my steps in the hopes I might find my bag…with no luck I then went up the street to Safeway over on Bel-Red Road.  I went in got my few things then went to the check out.  It was then my myriad of insecurities had hit me.  In line ahead of me was a young or 40-ish Mom with her young Daughter.  I kind of felt heart sick wishing I were that little girl.   I had to wait in line behind the snobby lady with the little girl because the Mother didn’t like a particular flank steak she picked up thus holding every one up.   Good God, is that all?   What a total snob.  Steak is steak?  And even I could have told her that what she had was indeed flank steak….I no longer eat meat.   What a inane woman.   I was both bored & real tired it was a warm one out today.  But I felt like I just didn’t fit in.  I always go alone everywhere it seems.  To the grocery store, to the storage unit, to the library, and when I was training in the martial arts to that as well.  I figure that’s why I get bullied so much.  It totally sucks!   I do try.   I’ve tried for years.  I tried reaching out for help…no one wanted to be bothered.   Everyone is married, has children, everyone seems to know LOTS of people, everyone has somewhere to go.  I just don’t feel like that I fit in.  I often feel like the person stranded out on the road.   That’s what I was feeling while I waited for the bus all alone of course on a warm day in Bellevue and let me tell you except for the lower crime its real snobby out here.   Everywhere you go, no one talks to you.  Just like that one movie about the late Truman Capote when he traveled to Kansas with his best friend Harper Lee and once he & his friend arrived in town they were there about a week and no one wanted to talk to them.   Eventually they made friends and were the toast of Kansas.  

Not the case here in the Pacific Northwest.  No matter how long you live here if you haven’t been lucky enough to have made friends or hooked up with someone your pretty much toast.  Its real lonely.  I’ve really tried.  All through the 90’s I was involved in a lot of activities I even volunteered as a server at an auction.   No one was interested in talking to me.  I soon gave up.   I  guess I’ll try to go to school to get an A.A. degree then perhaps I can submit resumes out of state of course to get a job.  Never knew my life would be this hard.  I had the wrong friends mostly users, abusive real insecure whiners…had to leave those types.  The best friends I had was back in the 80’s at the end of that period though I encountered one of the longest droughts EVER!

So meeting all the wrong types of friends, lack of direction, trouble making decisions, and no one to talk to about such things.  I think has led me to where I’m at today.   My mental illness sure doesn’t help either.  I had yet another episode yesterday that was so bad I had to call the Crisis Line.  I kept hitting my head against the wall as a way to take out my frustrations.  So that I wouldn’t further hurt myself I called the Crisis line and spoke with a really nice man something that doesn’t happen very often and I’ve called the C.L. so many times throughout the years.  He really listened to me and I felt that he cared too.  What he said to me helped an awful lot.  I explained to him that although I wasn’t suicidal I was hurting myself in other ways and that’s the reason that I called.  We talked at length.  I told him about my troubles with my Mother, the hate crime that happened to me back in 2010 among other things.  The man seemed to think that I may have PTSD from the hate crime.  When I told him the story the Crisis Clinic man just could not believe that such a thing could happen.  He said that he has never heard of such a horrific thing.  His exact words. I felt better after I hung up the phone however before I did the man on the other end did say that not everyone is like the cruel woman I encountered on the bus. I’m thinking “I sure would like to meet some nice people where the heck are they? Then the man said that for now I need to get better he encouraged me to follow through on getting help at the VA where I’m trying to get mental health since everywhere else has turned me down for therapy. Cause I had mentioned how hard I tried with volunteering…I confided to him that those gig’s didn’t work out due to: Being bullied, encountering a bigot who moved to Seattle from Boston and a real vulgar crass woman at yet another volunteer gig who like flipping people off if you said something that she didn’t like. I don’t know just how to live this life. It’s very, very, difficult with out help & friends & family by your side. I just don’t know everyone. I’m just plain tired. Life sure can kick your ass.