Anyone Ever Witness What Instability Looks Like? Allow Me To Tell You!

Some of you out there might wonder just what does instability look like in a person?  I’ll share with you what it is from my own personal experiances.    From the time Mom & I first arrived in our new City way back when I started to notice a very dark side to my Mother.    First was the cursing and remember I’m just 12 years old.  It was our first Christmas spent together, and I was experiencing for the first time signs of severe depression.   Mom was decorating the Christmas tree at our first apartment.  I remember that I really didn’t like what she was wearing which was a halter top & some cutoff shorts with a rag on her head….this was in December & we weren’t in California.  

So my Mother wasn’t exactly happy over how I was acting she was quite angry because I wasn’t acting the way she thought that I should be acting.   Here is exactly what she said to me & I remember this as if it were yesterday.   In her nastiest tone she said:  “You know when there is something that I don’t like…you know what I say”?  Fuck it!   That’s exactly what she said, I was floored by this crude statement because in my mind women who consider themselves a lady sure didn’t talk like this!  OOOH no class whatsoever.

And it only got worse too.  On one occasion when I was about to go to school Mom was mad over something I did or didn’t do.   Then the threats came.  She said to me:  “I’ll throw your ass out in the pool”!  The apartment we lived in had a large pool.

On still another occasion this one time I had spent the night over at my cousins apartment.  Mom came to pick me up and….well I wasn’t really exactly happy to see her.  Even back then I just didn’t really like my Mother because of the verbal abuse she tended to spew my way.  Its the truth.

So Mom saw the look on my face and almost immediately her face grew real dark, just like when a dark cloud all of a sudden comes & covers the sky. 

See, I had been having so much fun with my cousins that I just didn’t want it to end.   I just didn’t have this with my Mother ever !   So when my Mother & I got inside of the car then once she starts to driving…OH LORD then all hell broke lose!  She SCREAMED at me in a way that I’ve never been before.  Even during those hellish years that I had to stay with my Father & his 2nd Wife at the time even the Step Mother never screamed at me…she always threatened & physically abused me but never screamed at me in the way that my biological Mother had done.   I was surprised that my Mother hadn’t gotten the two of us in a car accident.   I was 13 at the time.  Can you imagine the terror I must have felt?  You just have no idea.  There have been many times that my Mother has totally lost it or has totally embarrassed me in front of my friends but I will jump ahead to when I was in my Junior year of High School. 

That year I had my best friend over at the house both my Mother & I had shared and where she still resides today.   So I had my friend ___________ over at the house, I remember that my Mother had came down the stairs I think we began to argue or I said something that she didn’t like, now remember with an abusive parent they take everything WAY TOO SERIOUSLY and have a real thin skin if you don’t say something that they like.   I really don’t think I had said anything disrespectful and often with an abusive unstable parent they blow everything way out of proportion.  My Mother began her tirade of terror.   She began SCREAMING at the top of her lungs so much so that her voice cracked.  If that weren’t enough her face had turned beet red (My Mother is White I’m half & half)  then my Mother began jumping up & down while she screamed.  If any of you are familiar with the old cartoon Felix The Cat?  There is Felix’s arch nemesis called “The Professor”  If you remember or have ever watched that cartoon whenever the Professor got agitated?  He would jump up & down his feet not touching the ground while doing this the Professor would repeatedly jump up then down in rapid succession.   That’s exactly how my Mother looked just like a cartoon out of Felix The Cat.  It was scary & scarier still was that she did this right in front of my best friend.   Then while she was climbing the stairs she began wailing about paying the mortgage every month all at a screeching screaming pitch at the top of her lungs.   Now let me say that if my Mother had sat me down & explained with compassion that I needed to have a part time job to help her offset the expenses in a kind & loving way I’m sure that I would have more than pitched in.   But since all she would do is yell & scream at me, well SHOOT all I would want to do is spend as much time as possible just being away from her & spend time with my best friend & her family.  All of my friends came from stable & loving families where they actually all sat at the table during dinner time.  Something I had no concept of since I ate most of my meals either at Wendy’s or McDonalds.    Can you blame me for going into the Military?  My biggest regret is I should have stayed gone from my Mother but I just had no concept of mental illness in addition I just had no one to talk to about such things.  Most everyone else was like taking Mom’s side & talking to me in such a way that I just could not even begin to understand…remember I’m 16, 17 years old & for the most part emotionally stunted & real immature for my age.  I was at a mentality of someone 10 or 11 years old at 16 years of age.  I had no kind of upbringing, development type of being raised.  It was either anger or more anger.  No one in my immediate family even had a sense of humor outside of some occasional laughter coming from a TV comedy show.  That was it.

When my Mother wasn’t doling out temper tantrums she would then do the following whenever she came home from work:

No greeting, no asking how school was.

She would silently fix herself a bowl of cornflakes or sometimes get a bran muffin with some yogurt. Then she would go straight up to her bedroom then close the door, where I would not see nor hear from her for the rest of the evening.   I would be left alone with feelings of depression & total sadness mixed in with extreme loneliness.   Very devastating especially for a young teenage girl such as myself.

I have to say that if it weren’t for my 3 good friends who were all honors students and came from stable nurturing families I would have with no doubt in my mind would have faired far worse.  Just use your imagination & you’ll know exactly what I mean.  This in itself should have been a warning sign to have moved as far away from my Mother as I could.  But I was naïve, lacked the tools & skills to have made long term goals to get myself away from her.   Very sad because her outbursts continued even after she was seeing her psychologist & got on medication.  Still to this very day she gets so depressed in addition to stay on the pity pot no matter what suggestions I say to help her to better take care of herself.   I even worked to get her on senior para transit so that she wouldn’t drive as much.  I had to fill out all the paperwork because she just couldn’t or wouldn’t completely fill out the paperwork, then I had to take a bus across town to her Doctor so the para transit to provide further proof that she indeed needed this transport.   Guess what?  She seems unable to even call to schedule the transport to take it to wherever she needs to go.  Always with the excuses.  

With the regrets that I have of returning here I’m diligently trying to plan on how I can get away from her & this State.   Because I just can’t take this anymore.  I’m even considering possibly Truck driving which is a stressful job not to mention how women are treated, however I’m real desperate to put some distance between her & I.   It’s gotten just that bad.   Just this afternoon when I called her to suggest that it wasn’t a good idea to go to the store, we sometimes go to get me groceries due to how hard it is to carry them on the bus & to buy in bulk so I can stretch my meager monthly income, all my Mother did was whine about how she wishes that someone would help her.  Her Husband to the dismay of both my Mother & myself is pretty useless since he married Mom so she could take care of him.  Again with the self pity & depression.  I suggested that she hire someone from the Jewish Family services so that she could get some help with chores, and other needed things.  They help non jewish people seniors & the disabled….problem?  Mom doesn’t want to pay.  I tried calling Medicare as well as the Dept Of Social & health services no luck…they’ve told me that the only way they would pay is if she were in a home which hasn’t gotten that bad because her mind is intact…she only needs to stop with the self pity & get on the right meds just like she says to me.  It would not be a good idea for me to step in since I don’t get along with the Husband & for me to try to help would prove to be disastrous I would be afraid I’d lose it then I would be in trouble.   It has the potential of happening. 

My Mother will just not do what it takes to care for herself which is real sad.  Have arthritis get some medicine to help alleviate it….I’ve told her ad-nauseum to get acupuncture, buy a holistic salve, take the access transport everywhere, become active, join a support group for others suffering the same thing she is going through.  With my current condition I am unable to help her my own mind is a mess, that’s why I’m in the situation that I’m in except I don’t wallow in self pity I’m trying to find solutions to get myself back on my feet.

Yes I’m in a difficult situation that I just don’t know what to do.   Frustration doesn’t even begin to tell you just how I’m feeling.  I’m just plain angry & very much lost.