The Black Hole Tonight

The night time is the worst for me.  During the day once I get out of bed which isn’t too bad on average I get up around 9AM earlier if I have to be somewhere.  But tonight I’m experiencing a black hole of utter despair.  I’m in an episode and worse I just have no one, and I mean no one to talk to about this.  I feel like a totally failure in life.  I can’t call my Mom cause all she says in her tired resigned sounding voice is:  You take your medicine?  or I can do nothing for you.  Great woman.    I just want to cease to exist I mean I haven’t done much with my life.  I have no job, I have no friends, I don’t have a relationship but that’s not a big deal since relationships are a big pain in the ass, then you have to be codependant and accountable to the other person.  I could care less relationships are like growing up with your parents always controlling.  But I’m in a lot of despair.   So I turn to this a blog.  At least I have something.  Its not much but its something.   Isn’t it?    Know what?   For the life of me I just don’t know how anyone, anyone does life.   I’ve lost half my life and I’m no farther along than when I was in my 20’s.   I just don’t know.   I don’t know.   I feel like I’m definitely left behind.   I feel like a total loser here.  And I’m real manic I’m just angry so as usual I turn the anger onto myself.   No one is here to comfort me, which makes me sort of go into seizures of sorts.  I’ve taken to rocking myself back & forth like I remember those people I’ve seen when I used to go to a mental health agency.  That makes me feel better I’ve never was in the habit of doing this but I tried it just a few minutes ago and it does help.   I really miss my Dad too.   Today I felt his presence while I was waiting for a bus near what resembled a wheat field but I don’t think it was but some tall tan colored grass about waist high.   I visualized him waving at me & smiling, I almost lost it at the bus stop so I guess his presence was felt.  There is something about wheat fields or what resembles one.  I don’t know.   But I don’t like myself very much tonight or any night for that matter.  And my Mother just does not understand either.   She is incapable of giving me any emotional comfort, she has lots of chronic pain: arthritis (which I repeatedly suggest acupuncture ad nauseum) among other things so she is pretty self centered always has been.  I can’t be there for her.  She has never been there for me ever.   I really miss my Dad I so want to go & visit him like I used to back in the 90’s when I needed a break from Seattle.   I traveled a lot althrough the 90’s to California & I sure did beg him almost every single year to let me stay with him.  The answer was always no due to his many wives (Dad never knew how to stay single) 😦    When I feel like this I tend to say hurtful things to people and I don’t mean them I just have such an empty void in my own life that I’m not quite sure how I can fill.  Nothing works, not prayer, or I don’t know.  I just want someone to talk to.    I’m just tired.   Can anyone relate?  I know that I am pretty much ignored but hey you can’t knock a girl for trying.   Down the black hole I go.  Perhaps I may resurface.  We’ll see