What The Problem Could Be…..Looking ahead.

It’s Friday night.  I don’t feel much like reading my library books because I’m just not into reading at this moment & I’m worried as well as concerned about myself.  It’s around 9PM I okay but just tired.   While I took a brief break from blogging I think I figured out what may be the problem.   I tend toward being both depressed, despondent, suffer from PTSD with episodes of bipolar which with me being so aimless makes it much worse because I beat myself up and I’m full of lots of self loathing.  Believe me if you all have a negative image of me, well just think how I feel about myself.   No matter how badly you all may think of me, it no where compares to what I think of myself.   Its true.  

I don’t exactly know when my ailment over being so severely depressed & despondent had begun but its there I know it.   There’s a lot going on with me.   I feel incredibly empty and try as I might I just don’t know how to fulfill it.   I wished I had an answer for that one.  I’ve tried volunteering and that hasn’t seemed to work out, most recently today in fact I did register or tried to register ( I just couldn’t get past that password, then the password verification) for an organization called One Brick.   That organization has one day volunteer gigs.  That may be the answer to fulfill the void in my life.  I’ve tried looking online but none has really the right fit cause I lack the necessary skills it takes to get volunteering job.  Like graphic arts or even a gig at the botanical gardens you need experience.   I’m trying real hard to pick myself up but its hard without that much needed support (I know you all are sick of me saying this but it is so true) without that support your just lost, as I feel every time I leave my apartment.  Its real  awful.

Depression, despondency, low self esteem that’s buried so deep it would take a team of archeologists to dig it up.  I just have to figure out what my next move will be.  I’m not real sure.  And I’m one hot mess as the slang term goes.  My mind is a complete mess.  I’m a wreck.  I’m keeping it real.   I think that on the right medication, which has taken something like  15 years to get right and it still isn’t all that correct because I’m still a mess, anyway if I got on the right kind of meds I feel that I would be alright.   I’ve been trying I think since 1997 with the meds thing.  Because with my illness I do burn bridges due to my problem with envy, my trauma issues where I’ve never known anyone who has said or did a kind thing.  Well there was this one woman who did what she could for me, but it wasn’t enough because she had her own problems and I just couldn’t handle my problems & hers.  Couldn’t do it.  This isn’t easy.  I’m trying to look within I really am, but I’m sick, I’m broken up especially with my mind.  I’m surprised that I don’t abuse illegal substances cause I’m a prime candidate for that!   It is my opinion that folks who have a problem with drugs run into the kinds of problems I have with the lack of direction & unemployment.  I don’t do drugs or drink so I can’t seem to figure out why I can’t get it together.  Sorry.  It’s awful how I can’t get it together right now I’m real numb, I feel extreme apathy, I feel extremely lost, as well as being real unorganized.  I’m messy.  I’m not like those hoarders but I’m a messy person.  I don’t put anything away.   Milk spoils because I forget to put it in the fridge, the grocery shopping I do sometimes not all I don’t take them out of the bag to put them away.  And lets not talk about clothes, but since I have a minimal wardrobe anyway its not real bad, I just can’t find anything.   On the positive side I at least wash, take out the trash and that’s about it.  I usually don’t care about how I keep up the apartment.   I’m real indifferent.   I don’t know what to do.    I know I drone on but I’m real fragile tonight with not much to do, cause for the millionth time I’m stuck at my apartment, all alone like I always am.   It’s not fun.  Maybe if I can get on the right meds I could get a job that keeps me from home for days at a time.  I might be alright if I could stay gone from home since I spend so much time at home.  I can’t get a pet, my landlord forbids pets.   I may try for another apartment once this lease is up so I can have one.  I would need a job so I don’t need my Mother to cosign for my place. 

I may even consider a group setting like the Oxford group a recovery house or Volunteers Of America….don’t know much about the latter I think there are apartment through this organization.   I have to figure all of it myself.  And if you think its easy then think again cause its not especially if your not cut out for living on your own.  But I had better come up with something or it could get worse for me, I don’t know what exactly the “What” And that is what scares me the WHAT. Scares me, I need a miracle immediately . 

Send your prayers out to me.   I need them.