I just came from a very long bus ride from the V.A. to go to the walk in clinic for mental health. I live with lots of torment & regret and I have little to no comfort for it. My own Mother all she does is tune me out or say things like:
“There’s nothing I can do for you” , “Did You Take Your Medicine”? or the least favorite “What Does Your therapist say”? Are the typical answers I get.. This woman did nothing but torment me all throughout my teens then as an adult, had I known how mentally ill she was I would have never returned to Seattle after I got out of the military. Huge regret there. One I’ll take to my grave and the way I’m feeling that might not be too far off with how I’m feeling today.
So I go to the V.A. to see first a Nurse Practitioner I guess? He is someone who deals with mental health issues I guess, why I was to see this guy I just have no idea. So I talk to him and he seemed nice enough but as usual all he could do was listen, tell me I have great insight, be patient, blah,blah,blah. At least I had someone to talk to 😦 So I have to go wait back out in the waiting area to see a real Doctor. This Doctor was older & he seemed nice if not a bit clueless, I don’t know perhaps that’s how they’re supposed to be? So I tell him whats going on and what does this guy ask? So what do you do with your day? And he asks that a few more times, he keeps asking me this question. And I don’t know about any of you but I don’t like this question not one bit. If you choose to think me lazy well I just don’t give a damn. I have a serious defect in my brain. Put me at a job without a proper job coach or counselor & I could run into trouble, say something inappropriate ( I did that to an online friend because I have problems with envy) where I could land in trouble. I have PTSD, bipolar which I don’t know how to control and the Doctors are still trying to figure out the med’s thing. I don’t know how to interact with people and I’ve lost so many jobs that I’ve lost count.
I’m real unsure about my future. So on any given day I have no idea what to do with myself. I do go to the library but that’s been on & off. Sometimes I can’t leave the house so to some degree I’m a bit agoraphobic someone who is afraid to leave the house. Each day is different for me. Tried the volunteer thing but a few of them didn’t work out due to abusive volunteer supervisors, bigoted supervisor no matter how nice I was, and an abusive adult day care patient who thought I worked for the CIA. Yeah, it was the volunteer job from Hell alright.
I’m on federal assistance due to my problems. Its not something I’m proud of either. I hate it and want to get off of it but I need a plan and its taking longer than I thought. I have no help nor do I have any support. Mom is useless there cause she is retired from her job & all she does is the upkeep of the house & bills and when she isn’t doing that she is watching TV. What I really want to do is go to school to get a bachelors degree. But I have no idea how to pay for that. I’m eligible for a pell grant but that only awards 5500 dollars and a four year education costs way more than that. If I don’t know anything, and at several points in my life I couldn’t even figure out mere college costs, what a pell grant even was or how much of a difference a grant covered from the overall cost of a college education. I mean where would I have learned that? That is why I didn’t go to college cause I just didn’t have any idea how it would get paid. These advisors are so quick to have you sign for a loan too. If your not real smart in this area you stand to be in a lot of debt.
Anyway on the bus ride home all I could hear is the Doctors insistent question that plagued me all the way home. “What Do You Do With Your Day”? He kept asking that and I was getting plenty annoyed, I just didn’t like it. And to all of you out there that have it together with the job & your doing so great with your life….well all I can say is “Good For You” But don’t for a minute judge someone else because they lack a job please. I’m asking nice. Please just don’t do it. Unless a person who is jobless wants to share how he/she spends their day, don’t be the insensitive dolt and ask just because you perceive that that unemployed person is lazy because it is a lot more complicated whether you choose to believe it or not. Some of us just don’t know how to do life, And yes there are some mentally ill people with jobs only I don’t know of any. I live alone, I’m alienated, I even get dirty looks from guys out on the street because I don’t look feminine enough, I mean I get the type of look that says “Your ugly” its not a flattering look I’ll tell you. And I’ve been called that by guys. Guys please act like gentlemen. Don’t scowl at women, its really rude. I don’t feel good about myself. I just can’t get anyone to listen to me or offer me some compassionate anything. I know that I’ve drifted and I can’t even tell you why either, the best I can put it is I just didn’t know better, I went from one menial job to the next I did have goals but didn’t know how to put them into action because I had no one help me, and I lacked support. I’m not making excuses that is what has happened. Then Dad dies I’m left out of the funeral by his last Wife I didn’t get so much as a funeral program. I missed everything and then……that year was when everything went to hell in a hand basket for me. Add to that I had serious apartment safety issues dealing with people knocking at my door at all hours being threatened with rape, having racial slurs, sexual slurs day & night sleeping with one eye open and one hand on a baseball bat. As if I didn’t suffer enough.
Then one day I wake up and OOPS I’m this age and I wonder were all the years went. Ladies & Gentlemen I don’t like how I turned out. I know that I’m no good. I don’t need for any of you to remind me. I know I need structure but I need a plan and I just don’t know how to do that. So keep your judgemental advice to yourself.
I already don’t like myself. You only make it worse. Either help me or shut up.