Preparing to go back to school…the setbacks

I’m trying to prepare for going back to school everyone.  However my PTSD has reared its ugly head at the local library today, where I went to try to get some study time.  I’m trying to prepare to take the Compass test.  The Compass test is a test is a mandatory entrance exam for anyone who wants to attend any community college or vocational school in Washington.  I don’t know if it might be called in other States, here in Washington its the Compass test.

I booked a study room for two hours, it wasn’t real quiet I could hear loud talking from two college students next door to me.  When I opened up the book to look it over I came across the chapter of math.   I read the suggestions on how to solve them, then all of a sudden that PTSD or whatever it was reared its ugly head.  And it was intense.  I could not comprehend what I was reading regarding the math.  I read well but when it comes to math everyone I just have severe issues around it.  Primarily when I was in primary, middle, high school no one wanted to tutor me.  I really had a hard time learning how to do math.   I did well enough on addition & subtraction but after I just couldn’t get division, fractions, etc.  The people who tried to help were just real impatient because I couldn’t get it right the first time. 

My Dad’s 2nd Wife who I had to stay with when I was little would curse at me.  Whether it was learning to tell time (which I didn’t learn till I was 9) learning math, or whatever.  She would roll her eyes, be sarcastic, overall shaming me. 

I had been called stupid, retard, I had been issued a math workbook but I had to work out of a 2nd grade math book.   I was in the 3rd grade.  I remember my Cousin told me to hide my 2nd grade math book I was issued by the Teacher underneath my jacket.

I was pretty much the shame of the Family.  My Mother was my only supporter but I wasn’t living with her, I was living with:

My Father

His 2nd Wife

I played with the niece & nephews of the 2nd Wife who all ridiculed me because I wasn’t excelling in school.  Of course all three did well with no problem.   By the time I reached Middle school I lost interest altogether in school because I believed everyone who told me I was stupid.  I was basically a walking wounded kid.  It felt like I was paralyzed emotionally, mentally.  I basically got through the rest of my schooling by just being passed onto the next grade without learning anything in the previous grade.   I think its called falling through the cracks?  A lot of people most likely had this same kind of experience.  

Now as an adult I know in my head that I’m not stupid but don’t know it in my heart but I know that I can accompolish  anything but I know I won’t be a Doctor or something along those lines but there is still hope to go into other careers.  One that doesn’t require a lot of math that’s for sure.

So when I tried to read over the Compass test book I became so discouraged I tossed the book against the wall, held my head in my hands, then began crying actually sobbing saying “I can’t do it”.  I got real emotional.  Seems like when I take one step forward I fall then take 100 steps backward.  I didn’t feel real good about myself.  I kept hearing all those people who called me stupid, kept asking me why wasn’t I getting it, I was called lazy so many times that it seemed like my given name.  

I basically need to really work this out in therapy.  I’m going now to the V.A. for therapy then if I can get the medical insurance through the state I will go to a secondary mental health agency so I can go twice a week which I so desperately need.  My mental health has gotten worse the older I get.  It’s difficult across the board?  I don’t have:  any social interaction that I once had, and want to have again, I don’t have any self esteem due to my shaky foundation.  I don’t have any family to help see me through this, and that sucks. 

Got a lot to work with.  So I closed my book then went home I had to stop cause I kept getting worse.   I  then stopped off at Walgreens to pick up some ice tea, I then saw a cute little stuffed animal a frog that was in a plastic tote most like pulled off the shelves…what you call remained items.  The stuffed frog was on the top, I was in line, the gray plastic tote was placed right by me at a couple of inches towards one side of the counter just by this little door that employees come in & out of.  I picked it up then decided to buy it.  Almost immediately I felt some comfort from my inner turmoil that was still brewing inside of me.  I felt relief and bought that & the ice tea.

Kind of made me feel like a kid again cause I so miss my childhood despite how bad it was.  So I’m exhausted but it was a good thing that I had that crying spell at the library because I’m not so tense.  I’m at a hard place in my life.  I’ll try to get some help with the math.  But for now I’ll focus on the reading comprehension, the essay portion.   I feel this was the reason I avoided school for so long.  I’m tired right now, so all I want to do is eat something, read a little, then put in The Devil Loves Prada, then try again tomorrow & study.