I’m trying to prepare for going back to school everyone. However my PTSD has reared its ugly head at the local library today, where I went to try to get some study time. I’m trying to prepare to take the Compass test. The Compass test is a test is a mandatory entrance exam for anyone who wants to attend any community college or vocational school in Washington. I don’t know if it might be called in other States, here in Washington its the Compass test.
I booked a study room for two hours, it wasn’t real quiet I could hear loud talking from two college students next door to me. When I opened up the book to look it over I came across the chapter of math. I read the suggestions on how to solve them, then all of a sudden that PTSD or whatever it was reared its ugly head. And it was intense. I could not comprehend what I was reading regarding the math. I read well but when it comes to math everyone I just have severe issues around it. Primarily when I was in primary, middle, high school no one wanted to tutor me. I really had a hard time learning how to do math. I did well enough on addition & subtraction but after I just couldn’t get division, fractions, etc. The people who tried to help were just real impatient because I couldn’t get it right the first time.
My Dad’s 2nd Wife who I had to stay with when I was little would curse at me. Whether it was learning to tell time (which I didn’t learn till I was 9) learning math, or whatever. She would roll her eyes, be sarcastic, overall shaming me.
I had been called stupid, retard, I had been issued a math workbook but I had to work out of a 2nd grade math book. I was in the 3rd grade. I remember my Cousin told me to hide my 2nd grade math book I was issued by the Teacher underneath my jacket.
I was pretty much the shame of the Family. My Mother was my only supporter but I wasn’t living with her, I was living with:
His 2nd Wife
I played with the niece & nephews of the 2nd Wife who all ridiculed me because I wasn’t excelling in school. Of course all three did well with no problem. By the time I reached Middle school I lost interest altogether in school because I believed everyone who told me I was stupid. I was basically a walking wounded kid. It felt like I was paralyzed emotionally, mentally. I basically got through the rest of my schooling by just being passed onto the next grade without learning anything in the previous grade. I think its called falling through the cracks? A lot of people most likely had this same kind of experience.
Now as an adult I know in my head that I’m not stupid but don’t know it in my heart but I know that I can accompolish anything but I know I won’t be a Doctor or something along those lines but there is still hope to go into other careers. One that doesn’t require a lot of math that’s for sure.
So when I tried to read over the Compass test book I became so discouraged I tossed the book against the wall, held my head in my hands, then began crying actually sobbing saying “I can’t do it”. I got real emotional. Seems like when I take one step forward I fall then take 100 steps backward. I didn’t feel real good about myself. I kept hearing all those people who called me stupid, kept asking me why wasn’t I getting it, I was called lazy so many times that it seemed like my given name.
I basically need to really work this out in therapy. I’m going now to the V.A. for therapy then if I can get the medical insurance through the state I will go to a secondary mental health agency so I can go twice a week which I so desperately need. My mental health has gotten worse the older I get. It’s difficult across the board? I don’t have: any social interaction that I once had, and want to have again, I don’t have any self esteem due to my shaky foundation. I don’t have any family to help see me through this, and that sucks.
Got a lot to work with. So I closed my book then went home I had to stop cause I kept getting worse. I then stopped off at Walgreens to pick up some ice tea, I then saw a cute little stuffed animal a frog that was in a plastic tote most like pulled off the shelves…what you call remained items. The stuffed frog was on the top, I was in line, the gray plastic tote was placed right by me at a couple of inches towards one side of the counter just by this little door that employees come in & out of. I picked it up then decided to buy it. Almost immediately I felt some comfort from my inner turmoil that was still brewing inside of me. I felt relief and bought that & the ice tea.
Kind of made me feel like a kid again cause I so miss my childhood despite how bad it was. So I’m exhausted but it was a good thing that I had that crying spell at the library because I’m not so tense. I’m at a hard place in my life. I’ll try to get some help with the math. But for now I’ll focus on the reading comprehension, the essay portion. I feel this was the reason I avoided school for so long. I’m tired right now, so all I want to do is eat something, read a little, then put in The Devil Loves Prada, then try again tomorrow & study.