Still hitting a wall in my life

Is anyone out there?  I feel like I’m talking to myself.

That’s a line out of Eminem’s CD called Recovery.  Never forgot it cause it reflects my own life which is not going too well.  Still trying to figure it all out with nary any help in sight I’m afraid.

Today was Labor day with not much to do I slept most of the day since a lot of places are closed & with no family that does nothing but sit around & watch TV all day I just had no options or reason to even get out of bed.  I’m real lonely.  I’m going for counseling at the VA which I’m not looking forward to cause I feel like I’d be just another anonymous face with the counselors heavy caseload it does not bode well for my self esteem I feel like this won’t be different than all those other times I’ve been to counseling.  Won’t get listened to, I get asked some inane questions and really no one cares about all the abuse I’ve endured the first 18 years of my life then it continued on into adult with my Mom & the majority of adult women who cared little about my feelings.  One in particular had the most dysfunctional mentalities of anyone I ever met. 

I’m trying to keep it all together which isn’t real easy as Labor day has now come to a close cause its almost midnight I have done absolutely nothing fun or anything that was meaningful once again this summer.  I had one lousy summer in a long string of lousy summers.   Once again.   Now the holidays are within a couple of months and I fear another lonely Thanksgiving & Christmas!  My self esteem is really at an all time low right now.

Well another day today its after midnight.  I just don’t know what to do at all.  I guess my last chance is Church.  Which isn’t easy to decide which one to go to, not to mention for the exception of passing people by on the street, I haven’t been around very many.   After being out of circulation for quite sometime I’m really out of practice.  Church is kind of not the way I want to go either for a couple of reasons.  The gay affirming Churches usually have a much older crowd of paunchy grey haired folks which I am not feeling.  Not many 20-40 go to Church which is the age group I would prefer.   Then the straight churches which have a better age demographic aren’t what I want either.   However what I’m thinking how to handle going to the straight churches and there are plenty that have a more exciting service with younger couples with familes & tend to be more friendly & less aloof (I’ve done my ground research) I would probably say something like I don’t date, or I’m divorced which won’t make me look like a freak or something.  The gay affirming Churches tend to be on the judgmental its the truth.  I’ve had some real bad experiances in some of those.   And basically I want to just take myself off the market even though I’m single ! 

I’ll also try to find volunteering at a Church since there seems to be more congenial folks in these environments anyway.  Where I live are very few resources most of which are for single gay parents or couples….I can’t help but hate all the glut of these support groups.  Being single you might as well be a leper….just ship me off to a private colony 😦

I’ve tried A.A. back in ’08’  and let me tell you that saying “let us love you until you love yourself”  is a bunch of total B.S!   What I’ve found in the year & a half that I attended meetings were:

Verbal abuse

Being blown off by scores of fellow A.A. ers

Being pressured for dates cause those 12 step meetings have a real bad reputation of being a pick up place.  However, for me much as I tried to ignore those that I didn’t find too interesting?  I would be followed, stalked, I even had one woman stand a few feet from me just staring at me. a fight actually broke out at one meeting

One meeting that I arrived early at two other women were there, I offered to help with setting up chairs when a woman who had bullied me some years previously came from out of the back coat room took the woman I had been speaking with and proceeded  to whisk away the very same woman to the coat room to make out.

Then the both of them just ignored me talking with each other like I wasn’t even there.

I’ve been sober almost a year.  I swear I won’t ever attend another meeting.  These aren’t real supportive nor nice people…that is unless you have years of sobriety in the double digits i.e. 10-20 years.  

So suffice it to say that finding good supportive friends in this town is a lot like finding that needle in a haystack!  I understand why the majority turn to illegal substances to get through their day!

Everyday is a never ending job of just trying to search for better ways for my life.  I just don’t know how to really do that or where to go to find it.

So sorry if any of this depresses you, but this is the only place that I have to really talk about these things until I have my appointment 3 days from now.  My own Mother whom I called tonight to remind her of her giving me a ride to the VA was as usual distant & real brief in her conversation ( if you could call it that 😦    )  Cold as usual but I think I’m beginning to develop a thick skin around it.  But it still bothers me.   Not having a good supportive family is a lot like walking around severely wounded on the battlefield with no medics in sight to give you first aide.

I’ve been trying to pray but God is just not working fast enough for me.  Its been ALOT of years that I’ve been going through this, and I often times feel as though God has abandoned me.

You’d think that after all of this time God would put a little something in my path i.e. a good friend, a miracle of some sort, a warm & friendly person (this bears repeating twice).  I don’t know.  I feel abandoned. 

I really want to know that someone is there for me.  I often feel like an unwanted guest that no one wants.

I need all the prayers, chants, or however some of you worship to send my way.  Cause I really need them.   Real bad!

I feel like I’m clinging to the side of a cliff with one hand that is badly scraped & I’m barely holding on.   I need your private prayers even if you don’t want to reply send them out.   I’m in a desperate situation.

Thanks for reading & your support however it may come.