Monday Oct 7th

Another PTSD episode today.

Today I’m at the local King County Library with my laptop.  Yes people I’ve finally learned how to set up the wireless.  What you all need to realize is I don’t have anyone to show me this.  I travel alone so lots of times I may be behind on how to do things.  It gets this way.   Shit!  even the librarian here at the Kirkland branch just couldn’t be bothered with showing me how to do it.   Bastard.   Instead

Two strangers had to show me.   The first one a nice White man attempted to but when he asked me what kind of Windows software I had I didn’t know what to tell him.  I almost went into mild panic. 

My Moms gave me this laptop as a gift but I had no idea what this computer came with since its updated & all that.   I guess I could have read the manual but I don’t like reading those things boring & dry as hell.   Those manuals need to be a lot more fun to read.

Anyway while the Man was trying to figure out the laptop the woman who sat beside me came to the rescue to show me a tool menu that slides out the side of my laptop.  That’s the tools list that I’ve never explored on this pc. 

She showed me how to set up the King County library wireless.   My home internet is out, Comcast which is my cable provider comes with many problems so I’m getting rid of it once & for all! 

Netflix here I come!

Today was stressful for me.  I’m trying to get back into College & its proving extremely hard for me.

I took whats called a Compass test.   Compass test is to measure where your at on Reading, essay, math.

I scored really poor on all three despite that my writing skills are pretty good, and I read everything under the sun including literature.   I was so furious with myself! 

It was a pretty intense feeling.  I’ll tell you why:

I grew up in a pretty violent, impatient, and overall intolerant family.

All children have to learn how to do something  before they can succeed right?

not so with me.

I had & still have learning disorders coupled with the trauma I endured by both sets of my Parents.

Mom & Dad remarried a few times.

When I didn’t get my homework right,  and many times I didn’t, I would get punched.   On a good day I would get cursed at.   Sometimes I would get rolled eyes.   Usually I was deemed brain damaged.

This went on day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year.  Such so you get the picture of the very oppressive treatment that I was under as a child.  

Started at 6years old continued on until I barely (and I do mean barely) graduated high school.

Everyone mercilessly ridiculed me.  Teachers ignored me, or were too flustered to help me.    It was the most humiliating years of my life besides being beat up & tormented. 

I was completely withdrawn, listless.   I think back to it now and I feel like the throes of depression set in.   That’s just what it was.   I felt like a loser.

Abuse at home, shoddy clothes, and shitty grades, being made fun of, no one who was interested in helping me to succeed.   These issues follow me to this day everyone.

So when I finished the Compass test & saw my scores I was mortified along with all the feelings of inadequacy that came with it.   I was so mad, mostly at myself.   The lady who sits at the Compass test office to sign people in didn’t give me any encouragement, which only infuriated me more!

So, with test scores in hand I walk down to advising really mad.   I sign into see an advisor then I go to sit down to wait, and wait all the while I’m brooding over the test scores with feelings of worthlessness.   If I wasn’t so mad I would have burst out sobbing.  

This was a big deal to me.  My feelings are real, and there my own.   The issues around school could fill several steamer trunks to be stored at the library of Congress.   To me this was a big deal & I hurt all over inside.  

The longer I waited the worst I got no one seemed to care either.   At one point some girl was asking me if she left her keys where I was sitting.   Oh great!  now this thing is asking me about her stupid keys!   Ain’t this just a bitch!

Fortunately for her, I answered “I have no idea”  then I got up so she could get her stupid keys which were in between the seat cushions.   Oh Great!  This day gets better & better for me.

At one point I got so flustered that I balled up my test scores then tossed them into the nearest trash can.   I started to walk away, then turned around to give it another go to try & wait for the advisor.  

Nope, didn’t feel better.  So I walked back down the hall back to the testing center to talk with the same lady asking if she could send my test scores in the mail to me.

The lady instead downloaded another set of test scores, where upon I bawled those up too.  Only difference is I kept them, smoothed them out then put them into my back pack.   The only person I had to call was Claudia who works at the Alliance of people with Disabilites to get a phone number to a psychiatrist I had been trying to reach for a possible appointment.

Lets all hope that he will agree to see me as he will have to give me a discount on the weekly sessions if I’m to see him.   The intial intake I could do if I book the appointment one month out.

I have severe problems that have gotten worse as I get older.   I’ve heard that happen with PTSD survivors.   Combat soldiers have said the very same thing.  

I once remember an HBO movie called Band Of Brothers about the members of an Airborne company in WW 2. 

Great movie.   However throughout the movie the surviving soldiers all elderly talked about what they went through.  And one in particular had said that as you get older it gets worse meaning the PTSD & those War memories.   I understood real well just what he was talking about.

My years as a youngster were just like going through a War.  From one minute to the next I wasn’t sure if I would get the belt, get punched, or sent to a dark bedroom to sit for hours.   No two days were the same.   It was tremendously awful with no rescue or a loving word, not even a hug in sight.

To this day I don’t like to hug.    So before you judge me too angry what I’m angry about is my life, it has nothing to do with you.   I’m tormented with memories of feelings of inadequacy, of never having any positive, loving reinforcement.  Of having no adults like me, of having adults as well as other children treat me with bigotry because they hated my light skin & Caucasion Mother.   Of having been told over & over that I was spoiled all because my Mother gave me things & took me to places to expand my horizons. 

This was what was going through my mind in a span of just a few seconds.  

Hope you all aren’t as tormented as I.