Wednesday October 9th

When living alone with no friends everyday is a challenge.

When your poor living in the Pacific Northwest with no friends then Mt. Everest would be a lot easier to scale than living day to day here.

When you have no where to go, than it’s just pure HELL!    Your just plain stuck trying to figure out what the hell to do with the minimal resources you have.  Remember I’ve got zero family support.  A mentally ill Mother, Dad is deceased, step siblings that for the most part fare much worse than myself.   No one has the time for you.  And I really hate that my life seems to have come to this.  But I lacked the tools, was emotionally stunted for MANY YEARS, had no one give me guidance, no one wanted to make time, and this was in the formative years from elementary school all through my teens and in those early adult years when help sure would have been crucial.  

So to some of those folks that met me in later life relax I’m not referring to you.  Okay?   Cause by that time I was really emotionally messed up.   Neglect is an underrated thing.

These last two days were the most productive I’ve ever been and it felt great.   I’ve been stuck in a rut with no one to help pull me out of it.  It’s easy to judge someone who is in that type of situation.  But believe me, it can happen to anyone who lacks the proper support system.   No one can do it alone.   Trust me on that one.  If you have any snide comments on what I’ve just typed then keep it to yourself.  You obviously don’t know a damn thing.

With the first two days that went okay, I was invited over to my Aunts house over in Mercer Island for a visit, we dined on sandwiches from McDonalds and let me tell you for me that was huge deal for me.   I don’t really get to do anything!  I stay home ALOT with no one to do anything with.  My Mom stays home, watches TV, and complains about her chronic pain despite my best efforts to help her to take care of herself.  I research a lot of information, but unless a person gets off their butt to do anything….well my help is useless.

I sure didn’t have that when I started out as an adult in fact for many years prior to & entering my adult years.   I felt like Oliver Twist.

But, my good week came to a halt today.   Here is what happened:

After those first two days of being busy, I sure didn’t want to stay around my apartment.  I always crave something to do.  So I packed up my laptop then went to the library to connect up on the libraries wireless system.  A total Godsend when your home internet is shut off.

The internet is a life saver for me, what with the constant lonliness I face & am try real hard to fix.

I sit at the table to get connected up.   In the process of doing this, my cell phone which I always put on vibrate cause it has that loud outdated ringtone that I remember from growing up.   It was my Aunt telling me that she sure did enjoy me coming over.   Another huge deal with me as I never get to go over anyones house not even my own Mothers (which I don’t like due to the crazy Husband).

I kept me voice low, I was already set up on my laptop so I just didn’t feel like going through the whole ordeal of:

Signing off on my laptop

Unplugging my laptop to put it away in my back pack

And leaving it on the table while I step away sure as hell wasn’t an option for obvious reasons everyone.

So I kept my voice low.   Trust me when I say I have great manners, I’m considerate which is more than what I can say for the good majority of folks I’ve met over the years. 

Then a homeless looking man who seemed to have several layers of clothing turns around & in a hostile way of speaking that was totally disrespectful says:  “Well you keep your voice down”.

Now the library has a lax policy on cell phones, however I did keep my voice down.  

I suspect that the homeless man had been in what seemed like a bad mood.  Understandably, because with how harsh their lives are a mouse could fart & that would make them irate.

So we went back & forth with the I did not, you did too.    I have a thing, and that is I like standing up for myself.   Something I learned when I had all those racial slurs screamed at me a few years back & I was in such a shock that I could not say anything back at all.

I do get caught off guard sometimes.   Over the years people have been hurling insults & racial slurs left, right, and sideways since the 80’s usually by other women.   The worst was of course the hate crime of 3 years ago.

So the librarian comes over she was sweet, she comes over to act as mediator but we’re still going back & forth.

Then this guy says to me:

Will you quit playing the Negro race card”

I was livid. 

Because with that statement that homeless guy said told me everything that I needed to know about him.  I said nothing about race.  I have my suppositions but I’ll keep them to myself.

I replied to him “Don’t you ever say that to me again”  “Ever”  

Saying “Negro”  isn’t nearly as bad as being called “Nigger”   and thank God he didn’t utter that racial slur otherwise a chair might have found its way sailing through the air.    But I needed to check this White man.   I may be low on the status pole for now, but goddammit you treat me with the dignity in which I deserve.  Been through lots of punishment in my lifetime, which has took its toll on me. 

I feel that a simple polite request no much of an octave I may have been speaking (which wasn’t loud) would have went a long way.

On my next visit to this particular branch I will take a different entrance & set up my pc as far away as I can from any other patrons.

I do feel bad for homeless man.  I was homeless for a brief time, it isn’t fun.  Your without a place to stay carrying all of your belongings everywhere you go.   Hey if you don’t carry everything brothers & sisters you get your shit taken!  Worst feeling in the World!

I know.  

You have no where to take a bath.  Staying in a shelter is horrible!  Just no dignity there.  Most homeless prefer to sleep outside.  Can’t say I blame them.

Everyone is edgy these days.  Even though I have a place to stay, I’m on Section 8, live in a nice suburb thanks to Section 8, I am stressed & not a happy camper most days.    Because I’ve been dealing with health issues, mental illness, loneliness, lack of support from the Mother who one day she seems concerned, the next she seems totally ambivalent.   Been that way since we got reunited when I was 12, then when we moved to Washington and its been a real bumpy , inconsistent ride since 😦

Been trying to apply, then search for volunteer positions.  I’m mostly interested in volunteering to help the homeless.  I always like helping other people that no one else wants.

Do you want to know why?

Because all my life from a kid through my early years as an adult no one wanted to be bothered with me.

However I’m not interested in Social Work.

Want to be a Marine Biologist instead.  I want to see beauty, colors, and be around awesome people for once in my life.

And I’m going to have that by God!