Sunday October 20th.
I wake up from a good nights sleep wondering if I’ll give going to a new Church a try. Just the night before I was once again researching on the Net where would be a good Church preferably one that isn’t too far from me. My reason is that I’m more than likely to be consistent in attending if I don’t have to go far. I already had in mind the type of Church I wanted so when I found that all that was left was to actually show up, which I did.
Prior to leaving I was apprehensive. My past history of being around people wasn’t exactly the best. Hanging around with people who weren’t exactly good for me which is too say that the people I had associated with were like me not emotionally available these were in my younger years & some later on. If I piss off someone who knew me way back, well don’t take it personal but its just my acessment looking back many years ago.
I always did crave stable, grounded people preferably people who were settled down family types since I’ve never known that ever in my life. This in itself has left me real lost in life, despite my best efforts to provide everything I could to do for myself the things that lacked in my life which was pretty much EVERYTHING! And I mean everything!
So much so, that I feel much like a new born having to be my own Father & Mother re-teaching all I never had shown to me. An enormous task! One that’s sending me running to a recommended psychiatrist but more on that later on in another blog.
So I’m at a potential Church which I want to call home, I get there about 40 minutes early.
I walk up to the door to open it, and immediately I see 5 perhaps 6 tables adjacent full of every kind of pastries! Plus coffee. So far I’m liking this Church because I’ve never seen anything like this before.
How am I feeling so far? Actually not that bad. I’m a bit shut down emotionally I can’t describe to you my exact mindset because I don’t exactly know.
So I just do what I feel is the next indicated thing, the one foot in front of the other approach.
I go get myself some coffee.
I pick up off the table one pastry.
Then I walk around from outer vestibule to the inner lobby which looks pretty nice.
I walk around to get a lay of the land because that’s all I know what do to,
So far, I like what I see, there are 2 day cares one for the newborn- 2months old, then there is another one children 2-5 yr olds.
I’m thinking “Wow, at least these kids will have a great beginning in life! To deal with the large numbers of children I briefly went back in my mind to a time when I was that little, except it was far from stable for me. No nurturing well what little there was, and I mean it was very little. The brief times I remember of any nurturing was as brief as the wind.
So little by little I’m getting overwhelmed by all the people. My self esteem isn’t lacking quite the opposite, however I don’t exactly feel like I fit in either.
I don’t exactly know just how long I stayed I think that it may have been an hour perhaps a little more when it came to me to that what I needed is to gradually try to get a feel of being around so many people. The years of living alone, of trying to meet other people & get the cold, distant shoulder, the lack of indifference effected me psychologically. This has happened over & over again to me over the course of many years. Kind of takes the the wind out of your sails. Know what I mean?
So when I came to the conclusion of leaving & come back next week, this decision came about all out of the blue. Having felt comfortable with my decision I approached the Church greeter to explain about my decision to leave . I have no idea why I did this, but it seemed the right thing to do at the time. The greeter was pretty young, she seemed a bit baffled. No big deal.
The Church had a food drive with blue grocery bags provided to put the donations in. I grabbed on to later provide food donation.
This was proving harder than I thought. I’m kind of in a tough situation. Not much family. Mom has expressed some interest in attending with me, but I’m not comfortable with my Mother in social situations because she is just as socially challenged if not more than I am. Something I don’t really like. Since our arrival in Washington many years ago all Mom did was date a lot then when her dating life ran out of steam she grew bitter towards life, then with me.
For me, I want someone who is comfortable in their own skin. I know that’s what I want because I’ve had some experience of having been around my High School friends who were smart, had a gift of gab, they seemed so sure of themselves, I went to a high school full of self confident types, of course you had your stoners ( A group I didn’t much care for) Jocks, high achievers, etc.
I miss that. Always its been: Jealousy, insecurity with some of the people I’ve encountered but none more prevalent than with my Mother. She was either depressed, angry, or just sullen.
Makes me wished that I had a sibling. I want a set of friends separate from my Mother. My own set of friends. My Mother should have her own set. I’m tired of her having me as her best friend. I want a Mother, not a best friend. I want my own life separate from hers.
That’s what I’m building towards for me. Mom kind of always had a way of trying to horn in on my life. She is still finding herself at 70 years old. I’m afraid that I can’t help her with that.
I feel changes happening for me albeit at a snails pace! I have goals that I’ve made:
Getting down my Adult Basic Education.
Part time job that doesn’t include doing cashiering!
Meeting new people
Making friends ( that’s probably going to take some time, this is a bit challenging)
Moving out of Washington! Regardless of whether or not I make friends.
Out of all of this I want the change of City the most!
Since it’s not possible all I can do is put one foot in front of the other the best way I know (or not know) how.
I know that there are tons of people who don’t know how to socialize, I’m not alone there. But for me it was being around nothing but neglect, negative, sick people that has what I feel got me into the rut that I’m in.
Forming friends in High School was easy for me because I was atheletic, I was still very much an introvert, awkward, kind of geeky but I was lucky enough to meet a bunch of great friends! I kind of got spoiled as those experiences were the most fun. I haven’t experienced that since.
I can’t stand being an adult being on my own. I’m particular, I want more out of life, and I want for everything! Struggling to get somewhere in life.
It’s the waiting that’s the hardest.
And I’ve waited a very long time for even just a few comforts of life.
I feel that I’ll get there.
Wish me luck, cause I’ll need it.