Something That Is Bothering Me

Something is bothering me.

When it seems that I have no one in my corner who actually understands or gives a damn of what I’ve went through or what I’m going through.

For many years since I was a teenager I was so verbally abused & sometimes physically abused by my emotionally unstable Mother.  

And actually the abuse goes further back to the age of 3 or 4 when I would be left alone for hours at a time on a regular basis, that in addition to the Domestic violence I was forced to witness.   But I will only go back to teen years which were HORRIBLE for me!   I was awkward, I didn’t dress well like the other kids (real important for a high schooler) because I was raised by a single Mother.    I did eventually get an after school job, but I needed the guidance of my BFF to help me shop for clothes of which I was pretty clueless (no pun intended on the movie 🙂

So the hardest thing during those impressionable years was enduring the verbal abuse, my Mothers many emotional meltdowns that could have rivaled the 3 Mile island Nuclear Plant.     No one seemed to care or listen or whatever to what I was going through living alone with my Mom.   I was ignored.    I dreaded living with my Mother.   She never seemed happy, she would just go off at the slightest thing, and oh how she would blow the simplest things out of proportion.    During social school activities like when a sports team that I would play for would go out to eat, she could be downright anti social.   It was as though she would be like a turtle sticking its head inside their shell.

Fast forward to NOW.   Not much seems to have changed with her, she is much older & she always feels sorry for herself….example of what she says?

“Well I’m old”.    Or something like that.   I try to do things with her but she never seems to know what she wants, she seems to be real reluctant to make decisions on anything!    My opinion either you want to go out for lunch or you do not, please learn to make up your mind, because I sure can’t do that for you.   I suspect she is back to smoking weed with her …..Husband (if you can call him that)  He is on that medical marijuana..     Medical marijuana!  I hate that they legalized that shit!  Last thing I want is a Mother who smokes dope to alleviate her depression.  

I have now not been on speaking terms with my Mother for close to a month.   I’m fine with it, she depresses me, I want to be around positive types & she is not that.   I always hear the same thing,   “Well I’m doing these bills”   I have chronic pain (for which I’ve said over a hundred times go to the Bastyr Clinic for acupuncture & some Chinese herbs, take the Para transit van I’ve applied for on your behalf).

The last straw was our last conversation about one month ago when I asked if we could go to lunch.    I asked her the first time & her answer?  “We’ll see”, which translated in my head meant  “I don’t want to make a commitment to anything”.    I call the same day some 4-5 hours later, and I ask about going to lunch.     Still the same listless sounding answer of “We’ll see”.     It was around this time that I threw my cell phone out into the street were I proceeded to continue walking with me seething with rage.  OH and you won’t believe what happened next.   The following day, Mom comes over to my apartment unannounced….see, since I threw my cell phone out into the street she couldn’t contact me, but I had my other Safelink phone & she has that number….why didn’t she call that phone number?   No idea.

I decided on that particular day to just go take a walk one mile up the road to the local public library & use the Wi Fi .    I had no idea that she was even coming over.   So I come home from the library & I see this note on the door & of course its a guilt trip type of note saying how disappointed she is in me.

I’m thinking:  Disappointed in what??   that I’m not on the same page with your crazy making behavior.   Well if that’s all your disappointed in I guess I can count my blessings!    I like stability & a straight answer I’m strange like that.

A close family friend really gets on my nerves asking me  if I’ve talked to my Mother.     I don’t like it cause I feel that its none of her business.    Would you want to talk to someone who is constantly depressed, watches TV, doesn’t get out to do anything.      I am the total opposite.

Oh BTW  I’m still trying to hang on until I find a mental Health therapist..   I still haven’t found one.

Any of you deal with this kind of issue?    Write me & let me know.   Cause this has been so painful,    and the sad part is no one listens to how I feel  😦

Not Sure Just Where I Fit In The World.

This World of ours in the 21st Century is more confusing than at any other time in my life.   For nearly my whole life to this very day I just don’t  he have any idea where I FIT INTO  the scheme of things.    I never married (Praise be to God)  Never had children (Are you kidding I barely survived being a kid myself)  and so now I’m at a time in my life trying to figure things out.    I never received any support around my development either, everyone who I ever knew were either impatient, hostile, or downright uncaring about even listening to me.    All I ever got was HOW THEY FELT.   Never have I ever had someone who would just LISTEN to me, and how I felt.   It’s left me real wounded inside.  

I withdraw further into myself because the trust in other PEOPLE has completely eroded into NOTHING!  I seek refuge in some books to read or I watch old TV westerns.    It’s all I like.   As I’ve said in my last blog I could care less about how the Seattle Seahawks are doing, because I’m more concerned WITH HOW I’M DOING!     Because for me its really tough going all across the board.    For most of my life I’ve crossed paths or dealt with the most unstable of people & that’s including my immediate family.     It’s most  sad everyone.

Often it feels like I walk around in the World & the other People have their heads encased inside of a fishbowl, oblivious to every & anything else going on in the World.     Feels like walking around in the Twilight Zone.

Welcome to the Twilight Zone.     This is not  living.    It’s a living Hell!

Bitter To The Core

I’m at the local library taking advantage of the Wi Fi that’s offered here.

It’s the only highlight of my day it seems.

I don’t have cable & for good reason its expensive, can’t afford it, all of what’s broadcast on the networks & cable channels is pure shit!   So I spend time at the library   .    I’m bitter today, not a happy camper.   I’m angry.    Angry at the World.    So I come to the library, order up something on Amazon.com to arrive in a few days & I guess hope for the best.    Not much luck with the search with mental health, the low cost ones tell me “Sorry  nothing’s available”.    So I’m saving something here & something there so I can go to at least  sessions to start with then do the best that I can to pay.   I don’t have much!   I often feel short changed in life.   I always feel this way.    Seems like when I was coming up no one wanted to be bothered with helping me on anything, whether it was with school, growing up…..just nothing, nada, zip!    Now I seem to notice there are all kinds of help for youngsters who had the exact same problems I had but when I was young it was MY PROBLEM & NO ONE WANTED TO GET INVOLVED!    Life sure is a cruel BITCH!

Crazy Mother, no Father, no siblings, no friends.     I’m sure sinking fast on this boat aren’t  I ?   The Seattle Seahawks are playing tonight its all anyone is talking about.     As for me?    I really could care less!   I’m in pain.

I feel adrift in a sea of hopelessness!

 

The Veterans Resource Center Lake City WA.

This is a follow up to the blog I had wrote titled:
“From Homeless Shelter To An Apartment”.
The Tuesday after Labor Day I wake up early at my new apartment
then catch the bus for the long trip into Lake City to talk with
the mental health clinician who works with the Veterans Resource Center.
I guess the purpose of talking with the mental health clinician was a sort of preliminary
before I go to the visit with the psychiatrist who works at a clinic out in Northgate, off site
from the veterans center.
The meeting with the veterans center mental health clinician was much like talking to a wall.
In other words it seemed to me that nothing I said sank in for him. He seemed somewhat obtuse.
A question that therapists, mental health always ask is this:
“So want would you like to see happen”? or some variation thereof.
This time I had an answer.
Simply put I said that I need intensive psychiatric counseling.
What the mental health clinician had said to me was the following:
“I really don’t see that happening”
Want to know what I was thinking?
“What the hell did you just say”?
WTF?
I opened up to him at length, because as I’ve gotten older I’m better able to put into words the issues (and they are many) I face as an African American woman. Those issues are:
Discrimination
Dehumanization
intolerance
exploitation
Manipulation
Physical,verbal, sexual abuse
And here this guy is telling me that intensive psychiatry isn’t possible!
I wonder why? Because I’m poor.
However, the deal breaker was what I laughingly refer to as his selling point regarding the psychiatrist that he was to set me up with on an appointment.
Here is what the clinician said to me:
“Now the psychiatrist I’m referring you to, I don’t know from Eve”
These were his exact words.
So what this tells me is that this psychiatrist could be:
Cold
Cruel
Abusive
Talking to me with all the interest of watching “Face The Nation” i.e. bored indifferent.
Or
Maybe this shrink could be nice.
I wouldn’t stake my life on that though.
Also I did notice that the this clinician guy had holes in his shoes. That one observation tells me so much.
And that would be:
This guy doesn’t make much.
It goes to show one that, you do get what you pay for.
Is it any wonder that our country is in trouble due to the lack of qualtiy mental health treatment?
I therefore dropped out of Project Thrive.
And my search for quality treatment continues.