No One Has Ever “Had The Time”

My whole life all I’ve ever heard were the same 5 words.  Want to know what they were?  I don’t have the time.   My Father used to say them, my teachers, hell just about any one I’ve ever crossed paths with in life except one but she was sickly much of that time so we didn’t make much of a good match as friends.   I just had what some people call a moment of clarity.   And what that means is that NO ONE has ever bothered to take the time to just sit and TALK with me to possibly see what was at the root of my problems.   Example: childhood, instead of shaming me saying your a bad kid, that I’ll never amount to  anything  instead,why not problem solve what was going on with me.   Teachers were the same way.    I was ( and to some extent still am)  just a lamp post in life, I feel all I am to people is something superficial, I feel that no one bothers to see whats beneath.    That is why I’m fighting so hard to get needed services for my mental illness because right now I’m being forgotten & ignored.   I’m sending emails to NAMI….and this organization doesn’t really seem all too helpful, because I’ve attended the meetings and guess what?   They don’t seem to help.   Often I’m the ONLY person in the meeting room who lives all alone everyday 24/7 with bipolar/depressive/ptsd.    I have no one to come home to.   Those meeting only magnify that.   However I write to them for help to see about getting an advocate to help me along.    I shouldn’t have to do this journey all by myself.   and when I say all by myself that includes holidays like thanksgiving & Christmas.  Ever spend those alone?   I wouldn’t recommend it, I’d rather get cut open with a jagged knife.  Pretty painful.

I can’t tell you how painful it is to wake up everyday to another empty apartment with nothing!   I hate it.   And I’m trying my hardest to figure it out but with only ME doing the research & work what I’m often up against is the good old fashion TRIAL & ERROR much of it error.    I’m trying to come up with solutions on my own.  I have NO ONE to collaborate with & it’s very slow going.   The planning part being the hardest.  Life for me is well it sucks!   Summer is just about half way over I’ve had zero fun.   I’ve met no good quality people so far this year it seems I’m back to square one.   It’s hell!   this is what living on your own all alone is like.   I now understand why people do drugs.   I don’t .   But it makes sense.  


I am now living in a new apartment having had to flee the old one due to a violent & aggressive drug dealer lady who frequented the former apartment complex I had resided in.   The building is newer much nicer much like a condo.   And there are no drug dealers.   I live WAAAAAY on the outskirts of town I won’t say were.  There are homeless RV’s, some druggies but over all better.   This journey of a life is so hard but I have goals I want to reach & I want to keep busy so I won’t be so isolated.    The trick is FINDING things to do.   Coming up with ideas all on your own isn’t always very easy.   Especially now 2018.    I miss the 90’s .   


Update I’m in an apartment BUT I don’t like it.   Looks like I’ll be moving somewhere by the time my lease is up.  I don’t like the area, the building is okay but the area just sucks!  Drug addicts, people who well don’t have any manners of any kind like they grew up in a cave or something.    I get by watching old tv shows on DVD’s, reading, and surfing the NET for a college to go to that’s outside of Washington state.   I don’t like it here.    The racism by a certain ethnic minority group + some Whites are one.    The fact that the tech millennials are here are another I can’t stand them they think that their hot shit or something.   So I hang in but it’s hell everyone.   I want a small town, less people acting like cretins, and more of a friendly vibe.    Hope to find that.   I miss the 80’s + 90’s.  

Update: with perhaps 5 months to go I’m already thinking many moves ahead as I have to do this without help.   It’s difficult with an elderly Mother who comes to me for advice which I give because I know how hard it was ( and still is) for me to make out here in the World with being invisible and not one person who cares to give me any advice or anything, I try to help.   She may have to go into assisted living btw.    I’m reaching out to a local hospital staff for help in getting me into some sort of housing for my illness.   This is difficult everyone because it’s a MAZE filled with bureauracracy that gives me a headache.   I’ve needed housing help since the 1990’s but I never knew who to ask or where to go.

I don’t mind that I don’t have that all too elusive relationship in fact I don’t care the people usually interested in me, I just don’t seem to like nor am I’m interested in anyway.   I just want to be happy in an apartment ( would love a house) were I don’t have to worry about a psycho neighbor, a stalker (which I’ve encountered) and were my Mother is safe (she is married to an abusive man who treats her like she should be his Momma than a Wife, women you know the type!)

I’m tired of people who say to take care of myself…shut up already!  I have no other family!  My Mother & I have been through a lot!   My Father has been dead for 12 years.   I just need support, which I’ve never ever gotten.   Nor have I received any time from anyone because it feels like I’m some sort of bothersome insect that people just want to swat away OR a dirty look like I’ve done something wrong to them and I’ve experienced BOTH.   Perhaps the New Year will be better!