Like I’ve Been Saying I Don’t Know How To Do Life.

I’m alone 24/7 365 days a year.   I never married, no one pays me a lick of attention, I walk the earth totally invisible to people.   I’ve lived alone for I think 3 decades without any comfort of another human being to talk to or anything!

So why is it that when I go to a medical clinic I get body shamed for gaining weight?  And it isn’t just body shaming it’s cruel body shaming.

People I ain’t perfect, and worse I’m all alone in the world.   What in the hell do you expect?   I’m ain’t Halle Berry folks.    I don’t have access to a freaking personal trainer & I don’t know how to use those weight machines or any gym equipment.   I’m challenged there.   I have no family, I have nothing.

SO cut me some slack will you?   I don’t get it, when I was slender & highly attractive NO ONE paid me attention nor sought my hand in marriage except for those creepy guys who only wanted sex.   And trust me I had no one protecting me either.  Being a female is extremely dehumanizing.  When your pretty & thin men (or women) want sex.   When you’ve gained weight your dehumanized & demoralized.   I told you it’s a cruel world for a black woman.

What Are The Best Countries Where Black Women Are Treated Pretty Well?

I’m casting a wide net out there asking.  Because here in Washington I’m treated horribly no matter were I go.    Even when I go to the medical clinic getting a intake, I get these passive aggressive cruel remarks made about me.   Example I’m opening up to a physicians assistant she then pretends to be caring then she puts the most cruel sentence on my intake form that when I read later just devastated me.    I won’t say what that was but it really hurt me.   Most of the White medical women are pretty insensitive.    

And with the racial slurs that I’ve been on the receiving end of I had this on my mind as I was drinking my morning coffee in my room here ( I live in transitional housing, I’m currently homeless as of this date)  What countries treat women black women well?   And I don’t care what race either White, Indian, Middle Eastern, I want to be treated like the wonderful woman that I am but truly never , ever received.   Basically where I’m at mentally in my life right now?  Is that I don’t care if most don’t like me, I’m quite selective.   I have particular tastes in what I watch, what I read, I love certain kinds of music especially certain rock music I remember when Mom & I first arrived in Washington fleeing her abusive 2nd Husband.

BUT WAIT!  I am grateful for this.   Despite all the pain at least I’m not dead.   Has anyone tried to leave an abusive man?   You go out one of two ways a body bag, or you run.     Sorry I digress.   Everything else in my life has been like a nightmare.

But, I want to find out about which places treat black women well & then go there.   I don’t care where it is…well some countries like Africa I couldn’t go to because of the tremendous HEAT!   Canada, UK, Sweden, Norway, Australia.

Germany I would love to go to HOWEVER now in the 21st century it doesn’t seem that black women would be welcome.  My Aunt was a former resident of Munich she passed away in 1980.    I just can’t stand living here.  It’s really way too abusive.   I’m just saying.

For Black Women We Always Have An Uphill Battle.

For those of my readers who’ve been following my blogs I have blogged about a particular negative experience.   One that I’ve had a hard time shaking off.  One was when I was five years old when I was physically assaulted by an older relative & he was rough (he was 17) and one other event I remember involved me in a classroom I had been attending Wilshire Crest Elementary way back.  

The school was awful you really didn’t learn anything.   Somehow someone had the brilliant idea of pairing off of students for some sort of peer tutoring.  

I was in the 3rd grade.   By this time I had experienced MUCH trauma having just recently been taken from my Mother.   Let me repeat this to you.   I was recently taken from my Mother.   Has anyone ever experienced this in childhood?   Well let me say that death by firing squad would have been preferable & I don’t exaggerate. Two words people, custody battle OH one more added to the equation  NASTY custody battle.   Going to a biological father that I didn’t even know or want to know.   Okay with that said back to that dreaded classroom experience with the odious older boy who I was paired up with.   He was ODIOUS!  

During the time the two of us were to work on some math problems out of a math textbook I could not understand a particular problem .   The boy then twisted his face all up & with contempt said “You sure are stupid”.   Stupid.

I was very vulnerable.   I didn’t know how to stand up for myself because how could I?   No one showed me how to do that!  I never had a voice in anything!  And I was still raw having been away from my Mother.   And you know what really gets under my skin?  I get pulled away from my Mother in the damn courtroom & that was ugly let me tell you, I bit someone, kicked, screamed all that and it’s like I’m still expected to go to school and be a ace fucking student excelling!  Stupid adults.

Well that simple negative remark along with other stereotypes about black women have followed me or dogged me my whole life.   Because everyone black women really get dogged.   Want to know?  I’ll tell you.   We’re looked upon as something to have sex with…..then dumped like garbage  not marriage material.   HA!  you men out there think your slick but alas no your not.   Black women are considered stupid (just like I was called back in school)  I’m far from that I may not have a college degree ( I lacked opportunities + ignored because God forbid you should give me any attention that is positive right?)   I am smarter than most with a PhD.      But I will say when it comes to equality?   It seems so non existent.   I see that as clearly as the hand in front of my face.   Black women seem to me to be despised, which is why I don’t particularly like living in the U.S.   I mean I’ve been called Nigger & more than once!   I often wonder will I be lynched next?   SMH.

You all out there just have no idea.   I once remember a job training program that I participated in some years ago.   I had to drop out due to my Fathers death (no one seemed to care about that either)  there was a guidance counselor type of instructor which I liked.   He came across harsh, but I liked him.  He said something that I  never forgot.   He said that African Americans or blacks have the most dire of situations that we live under EXCEPT for the Native Americans.   And I’ve been reading about Native American culture & the oh so lovely government who stole their land.   I never forgot it.   Will anyone see whats beneath me or am I just skin color?  Or do you want to take pot shots at the weight I’ve gained (oh the thinner white people love to judge me on that one!)  and in regards to the weight I’m working on that.     Wow!  when I was thin & hot NO ONE WOULD PAY ATTENTION TO ME THEN I still had people who treated me with cruel disregard !   So my weight? oh please!     SO the fight goes on.    I have to say I hate how cruel this world is.   And it is cruel.  You have your cruel users, and you have your very needy types then you have some who are a little of both.      The fight continues.  Bigotry, racism dating all the way back to elementary, middle, and even high school (when we had the rich White kids bussed in to integrate school, they hated some of the kids & the music that some of us listened to said it was nigger music)

True story everyone.

I Still Get Discriminated Over My Illness Everybody!

I’m not on a soap box nor is my mental illness is what defines me.   I tried for a womans transitional house but was turned down for their program.  I didn’t even bother to ask why, because I already know.   It’s because I take medication for my bipolar & I possibly suspect it’s due to my disadvantaged background childhood + adulthood.   Oh boy & this is supposed to be a CHRISTIAN place?  Oh well I will still pray to my God but he will get an ear full let me tell you!

Life is always so damned unfair for me!   Well at least I have a temporary home here out in the boonies.   Except for my case manager I don’t like the rest of the people here & with good reason…..don’t trust them  no really I don’t trust them.   One has narcissm/control/abuse issues which she has projected onto me, while a few of the other women have some substance abuse issues….nope!  Oh & the men I steer clear of altogether!   Because well females we all know how men are.  I suppose the rejection of getting into this wretched place is for the best it just would have meant that I would be somewhat closer to my only living relative my Mother.

Oh well, when one door closes another one opens.   But Christians sure are a stuck up bunch.

 

Murdoch Mysteries

The best show ever.  What is really depressing is that I didn’t discover the show until last year!  I bought a TV antenna which afforded some free cable channels & I came upon the show on the COZI network.   This is the major downside of being alone because I’ve had no one to turn me on to this show . Murdoch Mysteries really hits to my cerebral side of me.   I like that it’s a period piece because 21st Century America sucks with it’s people.   I love the show although it can be gross (the medical side)

The shows on now I hate!   Too commercial, gimmicky, full of sarcasm, I hate it.  Formulaic is a word that comes to mind.    The show has been on for 10 years going into its 10th or 11th season.   For me though since I’ve been binge watching for the last few weeks it will end with season 9 episode 4 due to the departure of actress Georgina Reilly who plays the intelligent courageous Dr Grace.   I hated the story line surrounding her & Lillian Moss mostly because I felt that they had a lack of chemistry I didn’t really feel it & worse Lillian was brutally murdered, I mean she couldn’t have succumbed  cancer or something? Hated it.  I loved the actress Georgina Reilly (Dr Emily Grace) Class, very nice and super intellligent wished I could meet someone like Dr Grace  out in the real world but alas that just does not exist I know.  Basically I lean heavily on Canadian, Bristish shows.  Far better definitely more classy.  I love quality, class.  Something thats missing here in America.   Thats for sure.  I may not have much but due to what I now watch I’ve shown maturity in what I now watch thats taken 30 years to get to.  I don’t like that one bit.  No opportunities in education well you all know the story.

The cast of characters are most excellent the best that I’ve seen in decades!   I’m most unhappy with all the crime, drug use that’s going on so this show is a wonderful escape for me.   And to think I almost passed because I thought it was boring but I stuck with it.    I love the show so much I’m saving up to buy seasons 5-8.   Buying them one at a time costs like 42 dollars.   SO it makes sense to bundle it like so many other things in life.   I have particular tastes in everything.    I feel as though I were born in the wrong year, I can’t seem to get past all the tragedy that has fallen the U.S. the drugs, poverty, all the homelessness that is everywhere.   On top of being alone, and having unwanted attention from people that I don’t even like wanting to give me attention eew! a woman who when I first arrived at the transitional home tried to act like my Momma, then a man who acted like a baby because I wouldn’t talk to him(I talk to who I want, when I want)  It just never works out for me, oh well at least I have my escape then one day get my better apartment, who knows a dog.    I desire a good life filled with wonderful people and I’m going to have it!

Enough Of The Stereotypes!

Some people in this world seem to have very little sense for lack of a better or nicer term.  I deserve the BEST that life has to offer.  Am I being heard?

I want to fall in love & have that reciprocated

I want to get down to my original weight that I was back in the 80’s I was smoking hot too.

I hope to have a life of my own free from stalkers, people trying to control me, oh and it has happened even here at the transitional home but that’s for another blog.

I will have the best!  So all you haters that want to hate go right ahead, but I’ll still be living my life & leave you all behind!  HA!