For those of my readers who’ve been following my blogs I have blogged about a particular negative experience. One that I’ve had a hard time shaking off. One was when I was five years old when I was physically assaulted by an older relative & he was rough (he was 17) and one other event I remember involved me in a classroom I had been attending Wilshire Crest Elementary way back.
The school was awful you really didn’t learn anything. Somehow someone had the brilliant idea of pairing off of students for some sort of peer tutoring.
I was in the 3rd grade. By this time I had experienced MUCH trauma having just recently been taken from my Mother. Let me repeat this to you. I was recently taken from my Mother. Has anyone ever experienced this in childhood? Well let me say that death by firing squad would have been preferable & I don’t exaggerate. Two words people, custody battle OH one more added to the equation NASTY custody battle. Going to a biological father that I didn’t even know or want to know. Okay with that said back to that dreaded classroom experience with the odious older boy who I was paired up with. He was ODIOUS!
During the time the two of us were to work on some math problems out of a math textbook I could not understand a particular problem . The boy then twisted his face all up & with contempt said “You sure are stupid”. Stupid.
I was very vulnerable. I didn’t know how to stand up for myself because how could I? No one showed me how to do that! I never had a voice in anything! And I was still raw having been away from my Mother. And you know what really gets under my skin? I get pulled away from my Mother in the damn courtroom & that was ugly let me tell you, I bit someone, kicked, screamed all that and it’s like I’m still expected to go to school and be a ace fucking student excelling! Stupid adults.
Well that simple negative remark along with other stereotypes about black women have followed me or dogged me my whole life. Because everyone black women really get dogged. Want to know? I’ll tell you. We’re looked upon as something to have sex with…..then dumped like garbage not marriage material. HA! you men out there think your slick but alas no your not. Black women are considered stupid (just like I was called back in school) I’m far from that I may not have a college degree ( I lacked opportunities + ignored because God forbid you should give me any attention that is positive right?) I am smarter than most with a PhD. But I will say when it comes to equality? It seems so non existent. I see that as clearly as the hand in front of my face. Black women seem to me to be despised, which is why I don’t particularly like living in the U.S. I mean I’ve been called Nigger & more than once! I often wonder will I be lynched next? SMH.
You all out there just have no idea. I once remember a job training program that I participated in some years ago. I had to drop out due to my Fathers death (no one seemed to care about that either) there was a guidance counselor type of instructor which I liked. He came across harsh, but I liked him. He said something that I never forgot. He said that African Americans or blacks have the most dire of situations that we live under EXCEPT for the Native Americans. And I’ve been reading about Native American culture & the oh so lovely government who stole their land. I never forgot it. Will anyone see whats beneath me or am I just skin color? Or do you want to take pot shots at the weight I’ve gained (oh the thinner white people love to judge me on that one!) and in regards to the weight I’m working on that. Wow! when I was thin & hot NO ONE WOULD PAY ATTENTION TO ME THEN I still had people who treated me with cruel disregard ! So my weight? oh please! SO the fight goes on. I have to say I hate how cruel this world is. And it is cruel. You have your cruel users, and you have your very needy types then you have some who are a little of both. The fight continues. Bigotry, racism dating all the way back to elementary, middle, and even high school (when we had the rich White kids bussed in to integrate school, they hated some of the kids & the music that some of us listened to said it was nigger music)
True story everyone.