My Mother Just Frustrates Me.

My Mother has been a source of frustration since I was a very little girl.  It’s because of her that life for me took such a drastic turn for the worse it seems.

I don’t know exactly what my mother has in regards of disorders but I know that she has some.   You all know that her psychologist can’t reveal anything based on confidentiality and all that but if I had to guess I would say she most definitely has a form of a narcisstic personality disorder going on.

I noticed it on my birthday at the Chinese restaurant.   She kind of acted in a immature way.   While we were there (restaurant was pretty empty except for a few other customers) she seemed like she could not make up her mind what she wanted which got on my nerves because it was my birthday I wanted to focus on myself.

I ordered from the dim sum carts that was okay, Mom & I sat at a round table, then she was looking at the other customers & what they were eating & decided that she wanted vegetables.   The staff didn’t seem to like my Mother & I very much know how I know this?  Their appearances were pretty scarce.   

After endless attempts at getting the waitress attention my Mother said with a most doe eyed expression on her face that she wanted vegetables.   I was annoyed & somewhat uncomfortable.   

SO, she orders broccoli.   Neither she nor the waitress asks WHICH type of broccoli.  You see there is CHINESE broccoli which is a far cry from AMERICAN broccoli but neither my Mother nor I knew that & I don’t think that the waitstaff cared much to be honest.   I never really want to eat at another Chinese restaurant ever again.   

Once the final bill came my Mom complained about how much the bill was which was pricey.   She asked me this rude question “Guess how much the bill was”  right in front of the staff who was at our table.   They weren’t pleased.

I prefer Japanese food anyway & from here on out that’s what I’ll eat when I go out.

Another Birthday Another Year I’m Disappointed With My Life.

I just had another birthday it was on Wednesday.   I like having a birthday but I’m always sad when it ends.   I did spend it with my Mother however when we got to the Chinese restaurant here in the International district in Seattle she became a bit demanding with the staff.  The staff were not real pleased with my Mother I could tell.

Sometimes I sure wished that I had some fun friends to hang with.  But I have no one else right now to do that with.

What I’m most irritated is that I just don’t like were i’m at in my life.  I’ve made nothing of my life.    I’m not a success, I didn’t turn out a success.    I’ve been at a disadvantage since the age of 8.    And, although a lot of people who have had a whole lot of disadvantage in life & turned out successful the difference between them & myself is that they had HELP!  Someone who paid attention & saw to it that they got what they needed.    I didn’t get that & it’s really hurt me in ways you can’t begin to understand.    I’m so far behind the curve in life that it isn’t even funny.   The biggest effect has been 100% neglect.   I grew up in a single parent home & I didn’t even have other siblings to contend with.   Another problem was my emotional development.   Once Mom & I arrived in Washington State all those many years ago, I was 12 years old & we had to leave everything behind.  We had minutes to pack, we had to leave the family dog behind that I only JUST began getting acquainted with and what was really awful we had to leave CALIFORNIA a state I grew up in  & was raised in to go to a state so completely different & backwards Washington state.   

For many years after ages 12-18 I really didn’t get much in the way of emotional development I stayed frozen, childlike while other kids made fun of me, I felt alienated, different from all the other kids my age, and I didn’t do well in school because I didn’t understand anything the teacher was saying & I received little to no support while in school.    I barely graduate high school which let me clarify that, I was PROMOTED which means I learned nothing in one grade but since I caused no problems I got promoted a grade anyway.    In some (or most) public schools this happens more than you think people.    Parents beware.   I go into the U.S. Army.   Why you might ask?

Because the military recruiters used to come to the school campus.   Otherwise I wouldn’t have known to join the armed forces no one talked to me at school.   I don’t even think that the school counselors bothered to talk to me.   Ever hear of the term “falling through the cracks”?   Well I fell through one big crater!

So since I was getting attention from this recruiter, I felt special like I mattered who wouldn’t?  Remember I was getting nothing at home.   My Mother rarely was home I was all by myself except for times that I spent over at my bff’s house for dinner or to hang out.    Thank God for her otherwise I would have ended up running with a bad crowd, going to juvie it would have been pretty horrible, you all know the pitfalls that await a young teen girl with no support , verbal abuse combined with neglect at home.    IT’S BAD!  I don’t think that I need to spell that out for you.

I’m so mad at myself because while serving in the Army I didn’t take advantage of the benefit of one thing:  getting an AA degree then trying to apply for the privilege of going to Westpoint academy .  

As an enlisted soldier I would have been eligible provided I had an Associates degree to apply for appointment with the United States Military Academy.  It doesn’t mean I would’ve gotten accepted but hell it would have been a great chance.    Only one problem:   I had no idea about any of that.   I didn’t know about how enlisted men or women had opportunity like this.   I never knew.   I worked my ass off while in Uncle Sam’s Army but I never knew about this one thing.

Of course I came across this info way too late in life.   You see I watch a lot of YouTube so I came across the videos about the West point cadets life.   One of the many things I found out was that the academy has many open slots for enlisted to apply for admission.   It’s not just West Point other academy’s provide the  same opportunity the Citadel is another one that does.

I was so disgusted & irritated that I had to write this blog about it.   And since I just had another birthday I really felt like I somehow failed.   Please send me some support or like this blog.   I need to go now.

Another Therapist.

I went to yet another therapist today, this one out in Bremerton.   She seemed nice.  I’m at a really low point in my life.   Hard as I try I can’t get ANYWHERE I’m stuck and it sucks.   I told the therapist about what I went through & you know what?  I really didn’t like how she tells me that its in the past.   I wanted to strangle her.

What I went through was absolute torture as a kid.   Now I’m so confused & a mess I don’t know who I am.   I do know that I don’t like anyone I can’t trust anyone because I just have zero experience of anyone being nice to me.   I’ve been betrayed.  Someone I once liked a lot was gone because someone else told lies & I lost a good opportunity to have a positive relationship.     I’m so sick of life.

For me life is a daily grind!   And I’m exhausted.   When I tried to be nice all I run into are total whining types who are toxic.   I don’t think that I ever met hardly any healthy friends except in high school.    I sort of wished I had married but that opportunity never came up either.   I just never had many milestones in my life.   I never had any help in developing into a woman who would make good decisions because no one was ever there!    Like for example as a teen my Mother would come home from work, fix a bowl of cereal then go straight up to her room & SHUT      THE     DOOR!    No words no nothing.    I was left all alone with no one to talk to.   And that’s just one example of many.    I have a birthday coming up but I am not looking forward to it.   In fact I hope that I don’t wake up.   I’m so tired of living in this world.    

If something doesn’t happen soon some kind of miracle or change I just don’t know what I’ll do.     The bitch therapist asks me If I love myself.   Well how in the fuck can I do that if I was NEVER SHOWN WHAT THAT MEANS!   I didn’t grow up in a house that even showed me love or explained to me what that word even means!!

I was screamed at, ignored, treated like dirt, locked in my room & I couldn’t come out.   I was treated like an inmate in jail.   And it was over & over & over.   For years kind of like being in….no it was like being in a POW camp.   When people say to get over it, that is the most insensitive & ignorant thing a person could say.   I don’t even know if I can heal  and the fact that I’m alone have no friends or anyone to help me through this makes it much worse.    I know that I have an elderly Mother but I only see her on a limited basis.   Remember I don’t live with her.   I just don’t like my life.   My life just seems stuck!    I’ve tried everything fails.   Visited over 12 churches & that doesn’t work.   Christians hate single women.   And they are judgemental.   Not one has reached out to me.       That’s it.      

Support Group Meetings NAMI Don’t Help.

I don’t think that I ‘ll go to anymore.  I’ve been to five and they suck!  The few people that bother to show up are so depressing that I want to hang myself.   I don’t much like that.   

Then, there is always one needy person usually a guy who won’t leave & lingers around when everyone else is cleaning up & packing away all the mental health literature.  These meetings aren’t intended to be therapy.   It’s stated right at the very beginning .   I was highly peeved by one guy the one who loitered around instead of getting in his car to leave because there weren’t that many of us just four to include the facilitator, when I wanted to help the facilitator put away the massive amounts of mental health magazines & other literature into the plastic containers, I asked K. if she needed any help.   This guy starts in with putting away the literature.  Jerk.   I really wanted to tell him to just go away.   Guys support group meetings aren’t someplace to pick up a woman, if you want to do that go to a bar not a support group meeting.     

Here is another weird thing the weird guy did.  Once he got outside of the church were the support group meeting was held he didn’t even go to his car!   His car was parked but the guy was no where to be found.   Both myself & K.  were wondering were he went.   Want to know why?   The support group meeting was held out in the boonies.   There wasn’t anything out there but a lot of trees in all directions.   There weren’t any other cars in the parking lot except K. and this weird guy.   That kind of gave me the creeps.   See this is why I hate co-ed meetings.   Guys are just so weird at these support group meetings because they don’t go for support they go to pick up women or to stalk them.   This is the last meeting I’ll go to.   Sorry NAMI but the meetings are plain AWFUL! The meetings just do NOT help.   An like everywhere else to include those 12 step meetings you get weirdos & creeps.   If NAMI gets a womens only meeting I may go again.   But until then forget it.   

Hey No One Flames On My Facebook Page!

I’ve recently opened a Facebook account.   So far its been a tribute page to Katelyn Nicole Davis the 12 year old suicide.   Now, I saw the dreadful event on her camera or whatever she used short of the final final deed.  So now some punk comes on my page disrespecting me saying things like “you people” & that “I don’t know what I’m talking about”.

First of all The late Katelyn Davis recorded EVERYTHING!  How else does anyone think I got this info?   I didn’t just make this up people.   She showed how she lived which was a dilapidated very rundown mobile home.   Hell Katelyn’s room had poor insulation which she showed on her phone & a hole in the floor of her room the size of a grapefruit!   She showed how her floors leaked.   It wasn’t fit for human habitation.   What is the saying?   The camera never lies!   

I will not be bullied, nor disrespected.   I kick ass when it comes to standing up for myself & Facebook trolls or cyber bullies are  no different.