I went to yet another therapist today, this one out in Bremerton. She seemed nice. I’m at a really low point in my life. Hard as I try I can’t get ANYWHERE I’m stuck and it sucks. I told the therapist about what I went through & you know what? I really didn’t like how she tells me that its in the past. I wanted to strangle her.
What I went through was absolute torture as a kid. Now I’m so confused & a mess I don’t know who I am. I do know that I don’t like anyone I can’t trust anyone because I just have zero experience of anyone being nice to me. I’ve been betrayed. Someone I once liked a lot was gone because someone else told lies & I lost a good opportunity to have a positive relationship. I’m so sick of life.
For me life is a daily grind! And I’m exhausted. When I tried to be nice all I run into are total whining types who are toxic. I don’t think that I ever met hardly any healthy friends except in high school. I sort of wished I had married but that opportunity never came up either. I just never had many milestones in my life. I never had any help in developing into a woman who would make good decisions because no one was ever there! Like for example as a teen my Mother would come home from work, fix a bowl of cereal then go straight up to her room & SHUT THE DOOR! No words no nothing. I was left all alone with no one to talk to. And that’s just one example of many. I have a birthday coming up but I am not looking forward to it. In fact I hope that I don’t wake up. I’m so tired of living in this world.
If something doesn’t happen soon some kind of miracle or change I just don’t know what I’ll do. The bitch therapist asks me If I love myself. Well how in the fuck can I do that if I was NEVER SHOWN WHAT THAT MEANS! I didn’t grow up in a house that even showed me love or explained to me what that word even means!!
I was screamed at, ignored, treated like dirt, locked in my room & I couldn’t come out. I was treated like an inmate in jail. And it was over & over & over. For years kind of like being in….no it was like being in a POW camp. When people say to get over it, that is the most insensitive & ignorant thing a person could say. I don’t even know if I can heal and the fact that I’m alone have no friends or anyone to help me through this makes it much worse. I know that I have an elderly Mother but I only see her on a limited basis. Remember I don’t live with her. I just don’t like my life. My life just seems stuck! I’ve tried everything fails. Visited over 12 churches & that doesn’t work. Christians hate single women. And they are judgemental. Not one has reached out to me. That’s it.