I Just Don’t Know How LIVE ON MY OWN Out Here!

Since getting out of the military I just haven’t fared well at all.   I’ve been through a lot of jobs most of those didn’t work out.   I want to attend college classes, I still do but at the time while working I had no clue how to hold down a job & go to class.

I had no one to talk to about this particular issue.   Now I’ve been unemployed and for a long time.   I still have no community, no support and I’m trying to or to get in contact for some job training at a local non profit that most of you are familiar with, when I tried to contact the phone number or emails I get a wrong number, when I try to email I get that “Mailer Delivery error message”.

Don’t have any family to turn to, all I have left is prayer and I have to tell you that my faith is not real good at this point because I’m scared I don’t know what to do.   I get treated poorly, in fact I have the worst case of PTSD imanginable due to dealing with in the past two years the following:

My elderly Mother who did a brief separation from her 3rd Husband and came to live with me, she went first to a hotel then when that was too expensive stayed with me in the tiny studio apartment at the time.   She went to the courthouse to file paperwork only to return to the Husband.

While in between apartments I was staying with a friend.  The friend was throwing a bachelorette party for her cousin.   The party had really been thrashed & destroyed due to the friends grown daughter drinking way too much.   And by too much I mean that the daughter got so mean & angry she threw furniture, busted up some windows & worst.   I & some others had to hold the door in place so that she wouldn’t come out of her bedroom because she wanted to beat everyone up and everyone according to my friends sister who was outside smoking a cigarette there was a neighbor walking across the street towards the house with all the commotion WITH A LOADED GUN!  Luckily the sister smoking a cigarette intercepted him or I could have gotten shot think about it a white man with a gun comes into a house with women from India & the only black woman (me)  I don’t need to complete that equation.  I blogged about this but the blog is somewhere in the WP archives.  

Then last year 2017 there was the angry female gangbanger(?) at least I think she was one, possible thug anyway.   She screamed, yelled then kicked & pounded in my door threatening all holy hell.

But all this still doesn’t explain why I haven’t made much of my life it’s been a long, long time.    I’m scared and I don’t know what to do.  I never thought that I would get to a place like where I am now.   Alone, no job, no friends or sense of community.   If something doesn’t happen soon it just doesn’t look good for me.   And I worked my butt off in previous years since getting out of the military too.   I’ve been to some non profit agencies that help with getting a person employed only to face discrimination by men wearing crisp white shirts + ties and of the same ethnicity ( no surprise there) I mean no matter how hard you may try its impossible to fight discrimination that’s aimed at you and if you have no proof then your pretty much S.O.L .     I guess that it can’t hurt to pray but I have to wonder to myself where is God at a time like this?