Trying To Figure Out My Career Path.

Okay for those of you who love to judge someone who maybe unemployed, what you really need to understand is the circumstances behind it.    For me in particular I’ve had no one who took any amount of time whatsoever to help me.   Understand?  I had no clue and it’s not like I had any kind of road map.   For a Black woman that road is a whole lot harder.   I had depression issues, manic depression issues and just about everyone & anyone didn’t care it’s as simple as that.  Add to that a Parent that passed away and I was basically set back!   In my journey, and let me tell you my journey was filled with not just speed bumps but land mines and all the while I’m getting your garden variety hate from your garden variety bigots yes that Racism that loves to rear it’s ugly head!!    I understand why incarceration rates among Black & Brown women are astronomical, Native women too.   I am looking on the employment website called Indeed.com I found a particular job that I think that I could be well suited for except it would call for me to study business which I’m okay with & learn another language I’m really smart heck I could probably learn to speak a couple of different ones.  However what gets to me everyday is how little no one gives a damn on how I feel.    It’s been this way my whole life.   Childhood, teen years, Adulthood.    It’s like people treat me like I’m some sort of peaseant!   or worse.   The oppression is horrible in this Country sometimes I feel as though instead of 2018 it’s like 1958!    It’s for that reason my one dream is to OWN my own business and although I don’t know how I’m going to do that it’s what I’m going to do!    Because let me clue you in on something:   I’ve never been treated fairly on any of the jobs I’ve had.   Hey, I can’t afford  to not face the truth the supervisors I’ve had were awful!   To give you one example and I’ll put this company on blast, I worked at a plastics manufacturing plant located in Ballard Wa.   I worked in the Clerical department were the woman supervisor was such a bitch.     I came in one morning to say “good morning”   She snapped at me “what have you got to be so happy about”?    Here is something I’ve noticed especially with some supervisors when you have a good attitude your slammed, if your angry it’s “see those blacks are always angry”   I ain’t making this up people.   Damned if you do damned if you don’t!     I wish I had that White privilege because being a Black woman is exhausting.   We’re placed right at the bottom .    We’re considered low, no one cares about us just check out the video I’ve pasted on here if you dare.    It gets worse still.   See when I grew up especially in California I didn’t have these kinds of problems.   I grew up in the 1970’s now it seems hip to hate.   No one gives a damn about Black women.    Don’t believe me go Google Charleena Lyles! and Sandra Bland just to name some.  For over 30 years trying to find employment, I get mean cold glares, volunteering at a place like the Life Long Aids Alliance nothing but prejudice.  Nothing like being treated like the lowest worm to build you up right? and this all happening LONG before Trump took to the White House.

Manic& All Alone How I Hate My Life

I’m at the height of rage right at this moment.   I hate this time of year.   I have no friends.

I have no partner and trust me I hate women these days so I don’t want one.   Men are even worse, wished I could afford a pet.

I’m so mad I see couples.    I see people driving around in nice cars.   I have no one to talk to cause no one understands.    It really sucks to be me right now.   Don’t know what to do either.

At least I get SOME comfort in knowing that someone at least bothers to read my blog.   Because I feel that it somehow validates me as a human being.   Because

Right now I don’t feel like much of one.   Dogs live better than I do.   I get tired of all the stereotyping, the hate and I do get that let me tell you.   I can’t seem to get that through some peoples thick heads just how hateful living here is.    Just last year I had a hateful incident happen and the woman was NON WHITE which makes it so bad.      I hate how everything is going.   I suffer more each day.   And I just don’t know what to do.

Veterans Story #2

This is a follow up to the first Veterans day blog, if you haven’t read it well you might want to.     I will continue on with my journey of a young female in the U.S. Army.   But first let me just say if I could do it all over again?   I would have really buckled down in my school work , got a tutor so I could have got better grades then tried to enroll into a military college not a civilian one but a military school like The Citadel.    But I didn’t know a thing about military colleges at the age of 18 or anything else for that matter.

So the group of us females arrive by bus at Fort Jackson South Carolina.   I don’t remember much except that when I saw who my drill instructors  I was pretty frightened.   One kind of looked like a Nazi and looked quite mean!   This guy I’ll call him Sargeant York ( like the movie ha ha)  had about 2-3 rows of ribbons on his Khaki uniform, an infantry badge, and a light blue braided rope looped under his armpit & attached on his shoulder.   I especially like the light blue braided rope unsure why.  Sargeant York also had a Ranger patch and at the time I didn’t know what that meant but I pretty much guessed that it was an elite bunch of men like the Green Berets ( I knew a little about Green Berets from the classic movie starring John Wayne).

Okay, here is what I remember from my time in basic training.   It was extremely difficult for me.   I cried a lot because I was extremely homesick!   Something I didn’t count on.   I cried so much the other girls in the dorm had to tell me to shut up with the racket.   I’m so glad that I didn’t get a blanket party over all the crying I did ( I’ll explain what that is later).

Wake time 3:30….AM! we had to keep our dorm neat & tidy, get our uniforms on, make our bunks MILITARY STYLE if your unsure go Google it, but the sheets had to have those hospital corners  & it had to be TIGHT!   The military has ZERO tolerance for sloth!   I was never a neat person.   I’m still not.   I have no idea how I made it, guess God was with me.    We ran EARLY in the morning before the sun was up for what seemed like endless miles in boots!   I think now the military recruits wear sneakers.   Lots of push ups which were painful because as a female I lack upper body strength like the men.   If you’ve ever seen the movie starring Richard Gere “An Officer & A Gentleman”  (great movie)  there is a scene were the one female is really in a lot of pain & struggling just to push out ONE PUSH UP!  That is real folks it’s awful.   But notice how Richard Gere & his buddy Sid Worley pump out the push ups & they seem to be have little to no problem.  

I remember a lot of emotional abuse, yelling, the drill instructors always tell recruits something like “you are the sorriest bunch, that I’ve ever seen”  .   More running, I really don’t remember much except for weapons training which scared me since I never handled a weapon in my life up until that point.    I handled an machine gun I can’t remember the model but it was heavy & you really had to know what you were doing because that behemoth of a machine will take on a life of it’s own if you weren’t careful.   They were not easy to handle, I have to give major props to our boys that handled one of these babies in wartime.   Not easy.   There were a few issues I did have.    The handling of a LIVE GRENADE we did wear flack vests and we were given good instruction however listening in class & actually performing the task?  Two different things.    First I was so afraid that I might drop the grenade.   If I did well that’s all she wrote.   I might lose an arm or worse.   Luckily

nothing like that happened I followed the drill instructors lesson to the T.   Another issue K.P.    Otherwise known as Kitchen Patrol I think.   Well whatever it stood for during the time I did basic recruits were required to pull this which mean’t you had to get up even earlier & get down to the kitchen to wash, wash, and wash PILES OF THE MOST DISGUSTING POTS & PANS which seemed as high as a mountain.   I don’t lie.   If this was to build character in me than I must have enough for 10 lifetimes.   To this day everyone I hate washing dishes, I will have to displine myself better but all I can say is thank the lord for dishwashers!    Another was pulling guard duty inside the dorm known as “Fire Watch”  I hated that, and some of the other girls took advantage of lights out to sneaks guys in.   Of course I couldn’t say anything want to know why?  I would get the snot beat out of me in the dorm as I slept otherwise known as the infamous blanket party and friends it’s real go & check out the movie Full Metal Jacket were they gave one to an over weight guy in the movie played by Vincent D’onforio (might be spelled wrong)  and you’ll understand.   It’s scary.   I’m by the book.  But not this time I wasn’t going to be. 

Alright my friends my hands ache.  To be continued next blog Veterans day #3 I’m writing a series.   

Veterans Day Story

Today is Veterans day.   I don’t have any war campaign stories for you.  I’m glad that I don’t growing up in the types of households as a child was war enough for me.   But I am a U.S. Army veteran and believe me it was the toughest job I never loved.    

Back when I was in high school there were military recruiters that actually came to hang out right on the campus!  which to me isn’t necessarily a bad thing, because had it not been for that I would have never even heard about the armed forces.   Want to know why?  Because NO ONE:

Explained anything to me at all!  No one showed me anything AT ALL!   No one talked to me about plans after high school AT ALL!  It were though I was invisible so no one knew I was there!   That’s how it felt to be me.   Black girls DO get ignored whether you want to believe that or not.   We don’t get ANYTHING!  that’s positive even guidance for our young lives at least that was how it was for me.

Today in 21st Century all anyone cares about is the youth, when I was a really young person no one could have cared less.       

Anyway fast forward towards my enlistment into Uncle Sam’s U.S. Army.   I did it all on the spur of the moment without really giving it too much thought.    I was 18 and I had no idea whatsoever on what to do with my life.   I had no one to talk to & no one even bothered to reach out to me to even ask me anything!     See, I told you I was treated like I was invisible!   If you read my previous blogs I had a Mother who would go straight up to her bedroom after work without even asking me anything about my day at school & she didn’t even bother cooking or leaving instructions on what nor how to cook anything.    Parents a word here:  You have to teach kids or guide them on what & how to do things because…..well they’re kids…..okay?

So, in my very young & immature mind I figured that I could handle the Army.    On what basis did I come to this conclusion?   Growing up in the abusive & chaotic environment of all the yelling, violence, instability that was my life at home.   All I knew was that the Army would be strict, that the drill instructors did yell and so in my very young mind I figured that I would be okay due to how it was at home.    And since my own Mother really didn’t make any effort whatsoever to connect with me, she seemed to have severe issues of depression that she wasn’t getting addressed on her own, then when she wasn’t depressed she was having a full blown rage fest over something trivial.   Honestly?  I’m real surprised that she didn’t have a stroke  THATS HOW BAD IT WAS!

When I told Mom about my enlistment she did not take it well which confused me.  Because when I was at home she acted as though she could not stand me.

The day I had to leave Mom was acting weird.   It was my Mom & my best friend from high school who took me to the airport to get my plane to one of 2 or 3 stops before arriving to my Army base.   Mom made a big scene which was embarrassing.    Looking back on it I wished that Mom would have reached out somewhere on something like an empty nest support group but she really wasn’t on top of all that unfortunately.   I was too young & immature to help her & besides I wrongly assumed that since she was the adult that she would be alright & could see to her own needs.    Still to this day I don’t understand her behavior.   

The plane ride was very long.   I was to arrive at Fort Jackson South Carolina.   I live out in the West Coast.    The ride takes FOREVER!  At least it felt that way for me.  Last time I was on a plane ride that long was going to Washington DC for a high school field trip.

Once I arrived it was 3 AM in the morning!   Now at 18 years old I think that the only time or the last time I was up that late was my high school graduation party and I got home at the crack of dawn.   But this was different.   I don’t remember much just bits & pieces.

I remember that we were escorted by a short muscular 3 stripe sergeant who had a very heavy accent.   I have a great trained ear for accents now but at 18 I wasn’t accustomed to hearing them much.   He pretty much barked at us, he was an intense man.    I felt like running away but to where?  Here I was thousands of miles from home in a strange state that was very HOT + HUMID even for September early in the morning.     We get to the womens dorm, but wait let me tell you were we were first.   This place was the place called the induction center were we would get fitted for uniforms and get our duffel bags, get those dreaded shots (eew)  we would then reach the actual Army base were the training would begin.

So our group were allowed some sleep for a few hours and our sergeant escorted us onto the womens floor.   We walk down a corridor a few yards when all of a sudden the Sergeant yells loudly ‘MAN ON THE FLOOR”   Good grief I thought I was

going to have a heart attack.   He scared me.  But I said nothing but I was certainly alert.   We get to our dormitory were there were already some other females  soundly sleeping in their bunks.   However I dreaded having to meet them in the morning once everyone woke up.   Why?  Call it a premonition.   I just didn’t feel like I would get the warmest welcome and I was right.   Because the next morning the yelling started all over again this time from the awakening females who came from all over the 50 states.   One in particular who seemed the most aggressive was a woman who stood only 5 ft but hailed from New York.   She didn’t play.   I believe her greeting to me was “Who the hell are you”?   What a greeting.    Basically the weather was so hot in South Carolina that women fainted where they stood right in   our formation line.   I was so scared I would do the same thing.   Didn’t happen but it was scary.  Yelling was going on all around me for someone who came from a chaotic background even this was unsettling.

I was at this place for a week I think then it was onto the actual training camp of Fort Jackson.    And OMG!   I had never worked so hard in my young life & I had various jobs but none like this.   And to think I had 3 years to go of this Hell!

More of my Veterans story To Be Continued Thanks for reading serving the U.S. is a tough job!  Please thank a veteran will you?

I AM NOT A Codependent!

And please remember that!

If your having a bad day, don’t take it out on me.   If I’m trying to help or make a suggestion I’d rather not hear a snarky sarcastic irate type of response like the one I received today from a grumpy middle aged driver picking me up.   It is up to YOU to keep yourself going & in good spirits because remember I’m working on me!  I don’t deserve your rudeness.

I’ve suffered much in my own life and I really don’t have time to worry about you.

If you don’t like me, then I could care less because I haven’t done anything to you, I would suggest that whatever is bothering you that YOU take care of your own insecurities, irate feelings or whatever negativity you have all on your own.   I am not your codependant I’m not your Mother.   

I had an incident happen were a grumpy ass middle aged woman driver snapped at me.  I suggested she put on her report the incident she complained that she didn’t know where to pick me up.  So it’s my fault you got lost?   I refuse to feel bad about this woman.  It’s a fair assessment to say  I didn’t much like her.  Being on that van with her driving I felt like I had eaten something that didn’t agree with me.   

I don’t much get along with people who have insecurity problems.   Hope I never get her again.   

Those Drag Racers!

Todays topic?  Drag racers & how I loathe them!  Here’s why.   Today as I’m heading out of the grocery store I am walking across a big lot on the stores property to head to Walgreens a block over.    Now as I’m walking I must pay close attention because the cars go every which way in the parking lot, often the cars will cut across much like a kid who cuts across someone’s lawn.

Well, as I was crossing I have a habit to notice my surroundings, I’m a woman who travels alone.    I notice this one car an Asian model I’m not sure what it was, the windows were tinted and what does the simpleton behind the wheel do but DOUGHNUTS right in the parking lot!   If your not familiar with what doing doughnuts are the best I can do for you is to go on YouTube and type it in.   Or if your old enough to remember the Tom Cruise movie Risky Business you’ll see a scene where he does doughnuts in his parents Porsche ( this was a very early T.C. movie).   Witnessing this scared me because I have PTSD and I just wasn’t sure if there might have been something more sinister at work.   I left my last apartment pissing off a very angry non white gang member/drug dealer so hey one just never knows.

A few seconds after that, another car came onto the lot typical young punk he had his window down so I got a good look at him.   This punk was driving a beat up Asian model car & he also floored the accelerator doing those idiotic doughnuts!

I think boys who do this are really stupid!   What I would like to tell them if I could is:   “Hey Paul Walker is dead”!   or “Your not Paul Walker”!   I love the late Paul Walker but ever since those stupid movies Fast & Furious came out every knuckle head wants to be like Dom & Brian ( The movies characters played by Vin Diesel & Paul Walker).    

So over to Walgreens I walk, I get to the store to place my call for the cab when what do I notice but a drug transaction going on behind those machines that charge up the electric cars!   Gee, who knew that the electric charger machines had such a multi purpose use 😦     I don’t know about some of you but seeing ANY drug transaction makes me nervous & on the borderline of a freak out here’s why friends:

Drug dealers are always packing…HEAT!

Drug dealers will sometimes LOOK for new customers and they are known to give that first hit for FREE!   It does happen friends I ain’t making this  up I had it happen many years ago to me as I was  coming FROM a 12 step meeting , riding the bus home, it was early in the evening there been a BOY  not more than 13  dressed in expensive Micheal Jordan gear including sneakers offer me free yes I said FREE CRACK!  on the bus.   Of course he called it by it’s code word which is ‘SOUP’!

I politely declined, but he was persistent & so was I.   I smiled a mechanical smile of “No thank you” before he retreated to the back of the bus.    Can’t afford to get hooked on that shit or even try it!   I have an addictive personality I don’t drink occasionally I smoke a cigarette.   But that stuff or any other stuff would kill me

LORD!   I need to get out of this awful Southend town!   It’s an ARMPIT of a place!

Please Don’t Match Make!

Through the years I’ve had casual acquaintances try to fix me up with people.   Everyone out there in cyberland, don’t do it!   Match making almost never works.

I know that some people mean well, but trust me it just doesn’t work.   Oh, and before I tell you another story whatever you do do NOT set someone up on a blind date!  Those can be disastrous I’ve heard somewhere that there are those 1 in 100 chances of blind dates working out but in my case  no not really!

Okay, let me tell you a story.  Actually I might have blogged about this before.  But since I have something like over 600+ blogs on here I’ll blog about this again.

Back in 2008 there was this couple who befriended me.  I thought that they were nice however it turns out that they had an under lying motive, to fix me up with their single friend!   I don’t like for people to fix me up!   Now I’m poor but I don’t like the charity case when it comes to fixing me up AND I like for someone to talk to me first before you decide to even consider pimping me out!

I hung out with this couple, they invited me over to their house for barbeques, we’d laugh, have fun.  I didn’t think anything of it.  There really wasn’t anything out of the ordinary.  This was in my 12 step meeting days.  However, when we went to meetings their friend always would just happen to show up.  Then I would get introduced to their friend which honestly I was there for the meetings not to get introduced to anyone.   I’m not into meet & greet I hate them in fact they’re not my thing.   I’m pretty laid back.

I guess that the person was too shy to approach me which I’m glad never happened.  I don’t know people have way too many expectations when it comes to meeting anyone.   Here is my suggestion : Let things happen naturally, don’t expect much.   Not much at all.   Don’t pay a whole lot of attention if you like someone really focus on yourself.   There aren’t many that I will  even pay attention to at all these days because I just don’t have the time.  I have a lot of things personal things going on anyway.    Adults some act like Middle school pre-teens when it comes to having a crush which really gets on my nerves.

As I’ve said I like things to run in its natural course.  If you don’t understand what that means research or buy yourself some self help books to read about relationships.   But what I don’t recommend are those 12 step meetings those rooms are worse than the bar scene and sometimes a whole lot more dangerous.   Women have gotten killed.    Your not safe there.   When people stop drinking then drugging the next thing is they want to do is to get laid.  I’ve felt the sexual harassment in the 12 step rooms which is why I no longer attend.    I will continue this at a later time.

I’m getting tired.     Alright I’m back.   In conclusion the person in question got real desparate at the end of one afternoon meeting.   There was a fight between two women inside the meeting hall.   I panicked and couldn’t get out of there fast enough.   Well guess who was hot on my heels but this thirsty person ( slang for desparate type of person who is too anxious to meet someone) flys out of the meeting room yelling  loud enough for the whole the county to hear “I want to talk to you”!  really loud.     Well did it ever occur to the person in question I did not want to talk,   I wanted to leave.  

People no one wants a desparate person.  No one.   I’ve been alone for a long time

I don’t act desparate.     There is a saying of course it’s not one I coined.   And that saying is:  “If it was mean’t to be, then it was mean’t to be.  And trust me that hot mess coming after me was not mean’t to be.      This goes out to a reply I got yesterday.   I write what I’ve experienced.    Period.   If you want to write about your good experiances with AA go right ahead & do so on your own blog.  

But for me those 12 rooms house some people of a questionable nature.   I’ll give you a  example of a meeting I went to.  It was on a Friday night a woman who had 7 years of sobriety spoke and she said something  interesting that I never forgot.

And what she said was: “you can be straight, gay, lesbian your not safe in these rooms”.    I know what I’m talking about.    And not just that there is another blog site on WordPress StopAA  13th stepping I believe it’s called were there are a lot more horror stories of women getting raped!   Thankfully that has never happened to me because I know to steer clear of toxic people.    However what if the person is persistent?    And like what happened to me I’m walking out towards my Mother’s car (she was picking me up after a meeting) when this person screams my name CAN I TALK TO YOU and comes running towards me acting desparate.   Hey I never went back to that crazy meeting or any other meeting.   Oh & don’t get me started on Bill W.   

AA won’t improve until the main headquarters starts making some by laws then instilling them in each & every meeting.    Because there are predators, needy, clingy types not to mention the scores of BPD disordered types.   This has been addressed & brought to the main headquarters attention.  However they choose to sit back & do nothing.