Words Of Wisdom On How You Approach A Crush. You know You Need to read.

We all need to be loved.

We all need a special person that we want to call our own.  With that nauseas statement said let me part onto my readers some free advice you probably would need to pay a therapist hundreds of dollars for.    When you are approached by someone who likes you?   You are in no way obligated to like them back.  In fact you don’t owe them anything.     I will share in my own experience from having lived in the transitional hell hole I spent the last four months living in.  

I’m in a real vulnerable & all around miserable place.   Then this man comes up to me to introduce himself.   Here is what I know my readers.   To you women listen:  When a man comes up to you and introduces himself it usually means that he likes you.    I already knew this.   And I was not interested.   And the timing was completely bad  I mean approaching me as I’m sitting down to lunch in a cafeteria on the grounds of a transitional homeless shelter?  that’s worse than being approached at a bar!

What bothers me is that some people need to be careful about their expectations it’s alright to introduce yourself to someone ( however a homeless shelter might not be a very smart idea) but never expect  that the person will feel the same way or even acknowledge you.    The problem I had with this particular guy was that he acted somewhat immature.   You introduce yourself & if the person isn’t interested….MOVE ON!   

I really didn’t appreciate on the day of my move out from the shelter being asked by the resident manager WHY I didn’t like the guy who approached me at the beginning of my stay at the transitional house.   I couldn’t believe the childishness behind this.    Boo hoo,  I mean what a baby that guy was.

I’m selective & proud of it.   I usually know when I feel something for someone & this guy just wasn’t the one that I even was interested in.   Rejection is a part of life especially when meeting someone, seeing someone you like, or approaching someone you like.    Now there are some people who attract TONS of people more than they know what to do with.   But they’re kind of few & far in between most of us struggle.   Women we need to be selective & have that self respect along with having good self esteem, something I’ve been working on for years.     And I hope one day I’ll meet the one but so far it looks like I’ll be waiting a little longer.   I will try to approach someone however I won’t get my hopes up.   I have someone I’m interested in.   Wish me luck wouldn’t it be great if I met someone?   And summer is a great time to meet a person that you like!

I Have My Own Place.

I’m out of that disgusting transitional house the one for veterans that are homeless.   Where the men are disgusting, looking for girlfriends , and never bath!

Where there was one loud mouth queen bee who got on my nerves, and were the cafeteria food was real disgusting.    I’m so glad to be out of that place.

I think that I may have wrote about how bad the housing is here in the Pacific Northwest of Washington.   So it’s not a stretch to say that I have a nice apartment one bedroom, I am out pretty far from Seattle.    And my rent still is 1,025.00 monthly.  I live in a brand new building but the area is filled with a mixture of homeless, and druggies their not hard to miss.    At least there are some trees to see.

Getting moved into here I had to depend on a senior resident employee which I didn’t like very much.   Part of the perks of living at this place that was way out on the Peninsula.   However the guy was a bit of a well I want to be nice he seemed like he wanted to put me through changes.    Here is what I mean for example:   The guy who drove me to my new place had asked me why I didn’t talk to a certain guy who I guess was REAL interested in me ( yuck).   I guess the guy who liked me was real “stymied” that was the word used by the senior resident guy driving me to my new apartment.    

Here is my feeling on it.   I choose who I want to be with, and who I don’t want to be with.   And just because a guy comes up to me to introduce himself?   It doesn’t mean that I am obligated to like a man back.   This is something that the majority of adults SHOULD KNOW!   especially the older you get.    And a homeless place?

This was my 2nd stint of homelessness.    Now in my new apartment I feel pretty good.   

I’m now on the road to getting my life together.   Being a woman in 2018 isn’t easy.   Being a single woman who wants only the best in life is even harder.

Teachers I Had Weren’t Worth Much!

I heard on the radio today that it’s National teachers appreciation day.   What a joke!   For me teachers when I was a child were indifferent about my learning, all they cared about were their paychecks.    I was ignored by them, they really didn’t care especially White teachers when it comes to kids of color & I’m not making this up people they think NOTHING of Black, brown kids.

The only teacher who deserves appreciation and I never was privileged enough to be his student was a man named Hymie Escalante.    Jaime Escalante taught High school math at Garfield High school located in East L.A.  a predominately Hispanic part of town.    He didn’t just teach high school math he taught these kids who struggled at the beginning in fractions & guided them all the way to advanced calculus to take the AP test that awards college credit.    He taught for several years too.     Jaime Escalante has his own postage stamp too.   Unsure if I even spelled his name correctly but if your not familiar with his name there is a movie based on his real life called “Stand And Deliver”   starring Edward James Olmos as Jaime Escalante.    Now Jaime Escalante was a RARITY among teachers!    He is the only one in my book that deserves any appreciation.   Wished I were privileged to have been one of his students.    I’ve had many teachers in Middle & high school and none of them measured up to Jaime Escalante.

Aggressive Panhandlers

It’s a problem I believe nationwide.   I encountered one on the streets of Downtown Seattle 2nd & James while waiting for an express bus to take me to an apartment I’m trying to apply for in the southend.    Housing market here is real bad!   Housing wait lists are years long.   SO please don’t come here.

Anyway,   as I’m rounding the corner I’m accosted by a man who has his hands out asking for money and while he does this he keeps stepping closer & closer to me like he knows me.      I hold my hand out palm outward telling him to stay back!

Guess what time of day this was at?  It wasn’t quite 10AM in the freakin morning.    Guess that they don’t call it a full time job for nothing huh?

This guy walked up , then down the same street several times asking various people for money.    All while I was waiting for my bus which unfortunately came every 1/2 hour.   One thing I noticed about the guy.   He had on what seemed to me brand new starched jeans, Timberland boots.   Wow!  really?

I deeply resented this to the fullest!   I don’t have a wardrobe I’m lucky if I get something new & that’s on my birthday.   I was fuming mad at this idiot.   I made it known that he shouldn’t be wearing new clothes & asking for change.

Guess he didn’t like that, which I don’t care.   He walked over towards me, I held up my hands yelling at my loudest GET BACK!   Then he gave me the finger.   We did a back & forth.   I wasn’t afraid & I said that you won’t be disrespecting me.    See I feel like this.   If you want to hold up a sign saying that you need money I’m fine with that ( but be creative draw something nice)  but what I have a problem with is when someone is aggressive with me, singling me out because i’m a woman.   THAT’S NOT OKAY.     And I’ve made this comment before on another social media website if you need money there is always the company Labor Ready.     Get it?   GOOD!   Have a nice day & please don’t ask me for any money cause I really don’t have it to give to you anyway.

My Mother Just Frustrates Me.

My Mother has been a source of frustration since I was a very little girl.  It’s because of her that life for me took such a drastic turn for the worse it seems.

I don’t know exactly what my mother has in regards of disorders but I know that she has some.   You all know that her psychologist can’t reveal anything based on confidentiality and all that but if I had to guess I would say she most definitely has a form of a narcisstic personality disorder going on.

I noticed it on my birthday at the Chinese restaurant.   She kind of acted in a immature way.   While we were there (restaurant was pretty empty except for a few other customers) she seemed like she could not make up her mind what she wanted which got on my nerves because it was my birthday I wanted to focus on myself.

I ordered from the dim sum carts that was okay, Mom & I sat at a round table, then she was looking at the other customers & what they were eating & decided that she wanted vegetables.   The staff didn’t seem to like my Mother & I very much know how I know this?  Their appearances were pretty scarce.   

After endless attempts at getting the waitress attention my Mother said with a most doe eyed expression on her face that she wanted vegetables.   I was annoyed & somewhat uncomfortable.   

SO, she orders broccoli.   Neither she nor the waitress asks WHICH type of broccoli.  You see there is CHINESE broccoli which is a far cry from AMERICAN broccoli but neither my Mother nor I knew that & I don’t think that the waitstaff cared much to be honest.   I never really want to eat at another Chinese restaurant ever again.   

Once the final bill came my Mom complained about how much the bill was which was pricey.   She asked me this rude question “Guess how much the bill was”  right in front of the staff who was at our table.   They weren’t pleased.

I prefer Japanese food anyway & from here on out that’s what I’ll eat when I go out.

Another Birthday Another Year I’m Disappointed With My Life.

I just had another birthday it was on Wednesday.   I like having a birthday but I’m always sad when it ends.   I did spend it with my Mother however when we got to the Chinese restaurant here in the International district in Seattle she became a bit demanding with the staff.  The staff were not real pleased with my Mother I could tell.

Sometimes I sure wished that I had some fun friends to hang with.  But I have no one else right now to do that with.

What I’m most irritated is that I just don’t like were i’m at in my life.  I’ve made nothing of my life.    I’m not a success, I didn’t turn out a success.    I’ve been at a disadvantage since the age of 8.    And, although a lot of people who have had a whole lot of disadvantage in life & turned out successful the difference between them & myself is that they had HELP!  Someone who paid attention & saw to it that they got what they needed.    I didn’t get that & it’s really hurt me in ways you can’t begin to understand.    I’m so far behind the curve in life that it isn’t even funny.   The biggest effect has been 100% neglect.   I grew up in a single parent home & I didn’t even have other siblings to contend with.   Another problem was my emotional development.   Once Mom & I arrived in Washington State all those many years ago, I was 12 years old & we had to leave everything behind.  We had minutes to pack, we had to leave the family dog behind that I only JUST began getting acquainted with and what was really awful we had to leave CALIFORNIA a state I grew up in  & was raised in to go to a state so completely different & backwards Washington state.   

For many years after ages 12-18 I really didn’t get much in the way of emotional development I stayed frozen, childlike while other kids made fun of me, I felt alienated, different from all the other kids my age, and I didn’t do well in school because I didn’t understand anything the teacher was saying & I received little to no support while in school.    I barely graduate high school which let me clarify that, I was PROMOTED which means I learned nothing in one grade but since I caused no problems I got promoted a grade anyway.    In some (or most) public schools this happens more than you think people.    Parents beware.   I go into the U.S. Army.   Why you might ask?

Because the military recruiters used to come to the school campus.   Otherwise I wouldn’t have known to join the armed forces no one talked to me at school.   I don’t even think that the school counselors bothered to talk to me.   Ever hear of the term “falling through the cracks”?   Well I fell through one big crater!

So since I was getting attention from this recruiter, I felt special like I mattered who wouldn’t?  Remember I was getting nothing at home.   My Mother rarely was home I was all by myself except for times that I spent over at my bff’s house for dinner or to hang out.    Thank God for her otherwise I would have ended up running with a bad crowd, going to juvie it would have been pretty horrible, you all know the pitfalls that await a young teen girl with no support , verbal abuse combined with neglect at home.    IT’S BAD!  I don’t think that I need to spell that out for you.

I’m so mad at myself because while serving in the Army I didn’t take advantage of the benefit of one thing:  getting an AA degree then trying to apply for the privilege of going to Westpoint academy .  

As an enlisted soldier I would have been eligible provided I had an Associates degree to apply for appointment with the United States Military Academy.  It doesn’t mean I would’ve gotten accepted but hell it would have been a great chance.    Only one problem:   I had no idea about any of that.   I didn’t know about how enlisted men or women had opportunity like this.   I never knew.   I worked my ass off while in Uncle Sam’s Army but I never knew about this one thing.

Of course I came across this info way too late in life.   You see I watch a lot of YouTube so I came across the videos about the West point cadets life.   One of the many things I found out was that the academy has many open slots for enlisted to apply for admission.   It’s not just West Point other academy’s provide the  same opportunity the Citadel is another one that does.

I was so disgusted & irritated that I had to write this blog about it.   And since I just had another birthday I really felt like I somehow failed.   Please send me some support or like this blog.   I need to go now.

Another Therapist.

I went to yet another therapist today, this one out in Bremerton.   She seemed nice.  I’m at a really low point in my life.   Hard as I try I can’t get ANYWHERE I’m stuck and it sucks.   I told the therapist about what I went through & you know what?  I really didn’t like how she tells me that its in the past.   I wanted to strangle her.

What I went through was absolute torture as a kid.   Now I’m so confused & a mess I don’t know who I am.   I do know that I don’t like anyone I can’t trust anyone because I just have zero experience of anyone being nice to me.   I’ve been betrayed.  Someone I once liked a lot was gone because someone else told lies & I lost a good opportunity to have a positive relationship.     I’m so sick of life.

For me life is a daily grind!   And I’m exhausted.   When I tried to be nice all I run into are total whining types who are toxic.   I don’t think that I ever met hardly any healthy friends except in high school.    I sort of wished I had married but that opportunity never came up either.   I just never had many milestones in my life.   I never had any help in developing into a woman who would make good decisions because no one was ever there!    Like for example as a teen my Mother would come home from work, fix a bowl of cereal then go straight up to her room & SHUT      THE     DOOR!    No words no nothing.    I was left all alone with no one to talk to.   And that’s just one example of many.    I have a birthday coming up but I am not looking forward to it.   In fact I hope that I don’t wake up.   I’m so tired of living in this world.    

If something doesn’t happen soon some kind of miracle or change I just don’t know what I’ll do.     The bitch therapist asks me If I love myself.   Well how in the fuck can I do that if I was NEVER SHOWN WHAT THAT MEANS!   I didn’t grow up in a house that even showed me love or explained to me what that word even means!!

I was screamed at, ignored, treated like dirt, locked in my room & I couldn’t come out.   I was treated like an inmate in jail.   And it was over & over & over.   For years kind of like being in….no it was like being in a POW camp.   When people say to get over it, that is the most insensitive & ignorant thing a person could say.   I don’t even know if I can heal  and the fact that I’m alone have no friends or anyone to help me through this makes it much worse.    I know that I have an elderly Mother but I only see her on a limited basis.   Remember I don’t live with her.   I just don’t like my life.   My life just seems stuck!    I’ve tried everything fails.   Visited over 12 churches & that doesn’t work.   Christians hate single women.   And they are judgemental.   Not one has reached out to me.       That’s it.      

Support Group Meetings NAMI Don’t Help.

I don’t think that I ‘ll go to anymore.  I’ve been to five and they suck!  The few people that bother to show up are so depressing that I want to hang myself.   I don’t much like that.   

Then, there is always one needy person usually a guy who won’t leave & lingers around when everyone else is cleaning up & packing away all the mental health literature.  These meetings aren’t intended to be therapy.   It’s stated right at the very beginning .   I was highly peeved by one guy the one who loitered around instead of getting in his car to leave because there weren’t that many of us just four to include the facilitator, when I wanted to help the facilitator put away the massive amounts of mental health magazines & other literature into the plastic containers, I asked K. if she needed any help.   This guy starts in with putting away the literature.  Jerk.   I really wanted to tell him to just go away.   Guys support group meetings aren’t someplace to pick up a woman, if you want to do that go to a bar not a support group meeting.     

Here is another weird thing the weird guy did.  Once he got outside of the church were the support group meeting was held he didn’t even go to his car!   His car was parked but the guy was no where to be found.   Both myself & K.  were wondering were he went.   Want to know why?   The support group meeting was held out in the boonies.   There wasn’t anything out there but a lot of trees in all directions.   There weren’t any other cars in the parking lot except K. and this weird guy.   That kind of gave me the creeps.   See this is why I hate co-ed meetings.   Guys are just so weird at these support group meetings because they don’t go for support they go to pick up women or to stalk them.   This is the last meeting I’ll go to.   Sorry NAMI but the meetings are plain AWFUL! The meetings just do NOT help.   An like everywhere else to include those 12 step meetings you get weirdos & creeps.   If NAMI gets a womens only meeting I may go again.   But until then forget it.