Those Drag Racers!

Todays topic?  Drag racers & how I loathe them!  Here’s why.   Today as I’m heading out of the grocery store I am walking across a big lot on the stores property to head to Walgreens a block over.    Now as I’m walking I must pay close attention because the cars go every which way in the parking lot, often the cars will cut across much like a kid who cuts across someone’s lawn.

Well, as I was crossing I have a habit to notice my surroundings, I’m a woman who travels alone.    I notice this one car an Asian model I’m not sure what it was, the windows were tinted and what does the simpleton behind the wheel do but DOUGHNUTS right in the parking lot!   If your not familiar with what doing doughnuts are the best I can do for you is to go on YouTube and type it in.   Or if your old enough to remember the Tom Cruise movie Risky Business you’ll see a scene where he does doughnuts in his parents Porsche ( this was a very early T.C. movie).   Witnessing this scared me because I have PTSD and I just wasn’t sure if there might have been something more sinister at work.   I left my last apartment pissing off a very angry non white gang member/drug dealer so hey one just never knows.

A few seconds after that, another car came onto the lot typical young punk he had his window down so I got a good look at him.   This punk was driving a beat up Asian model car & he also floored the accelerator doing those idiotic doughnuts!

I think boys who do this are really stupid!   What I would like to tell them if I could is:   “Hey Paul Walker is dead”!   or “Your not Paul Walker”!   I love the late Paul Walker but ever since those stupid movies Fast & Furious came out every knuckle head wants to be like Dom & Brian ( The movies characters played by Vin Diesel & Paul Walker).    

So over to Walgreens I walk, I get to the store to place my call for the cab when what do I notice but a drug transaction going on behind those machines that charge up the electric cars!   Gee, who knew that the electric charger machines had such a multi purpose use 😦     I don’t know about some of you but seeing ANY drug transaction makes me nervous & on the borderline of a freak out here’s why friends:

Drug dealers are always packing…HEAT!

Drug dealers will sometimes LOOK for new customers and they are known to give that first hit for FREE!   It does happen friends I ain’t making this  up I had it happen many years ago to me as I was  coming FROM a 12 step meeting , riding the bus home, it was early in the evening there been a BOY  not more than 13  dressed in expensive Micheal Jordan gear including sneakers offer me free yes I said FREE CRACK!  on the bus.   Of course he called it by it’s code word which is ‘SOUP’!

I politely declined, but he was persistent & so was I.   I smiled a mechanical smile of “No thank you” before he retreated to the back of the bus.    Can’t afford to get hooked on that shit or even try it!   I have an addictive personality I don’t drink occasionally I smoke a cigarette.   But that stuff or any other stuff would kill me

LORD!   I need to get out of this awful Southend town!   It’s an ARMPIT of a place!

Please Don’t Match Make!

Through the years I’ve had casual acquaintances try to fix me up with people.   Everyone out there in cyberland, don’t do it!   Match making almost never works.

I know that some people mean well, but trust me it just doesn’t work.   Oh, and before I tell you another story whatever you do do NOT set someone up on a blind date!  Those can be disastrous I’ve heard somewhere that there are those 1 in 100 chances of blind dates working out but in my case  no not really!

Okay, let me tell you a story.  Actually I might have blogged about this before.  But since I have something like over 600+ blogs on here I’ll blog about this again.

Back in 2008 there was this couple who befriended me.  I thought that they were nice however it turns out that they had an under lying motive, to fix me up with their single friend!   I don’t like for people to fix me up!   Now I’m poor but I don’t like the charity case when it comes to fixing me up AND I like for someone to talk to me first before you decide to even consider pimping me out!

I hung out with this couple, they invited me over to their house for barbeques, we’d laugh, have fun.  I didn’t think anything of it.  There really wasn’t anything out of the ordinary.  This was in my 12 step meeting days.  However, when we went to meetings their friend always would just happen to show up.  Then I would get introduced to their friend which honestly I was there for the meetings not to get introduced to anyone.   I’m not into meet & greet I hate them in fact they’re not my thing.   I’m pretty laid back.

I guess that the person was too shy to approach me which I’m glad never happened.  I don’t know people have way too many expectations when it comes to meeting anyone.   Here is my suggestion : Let things happen naturally, don’t expect much.   Not much at all.   Don’t pay a whole lot of attention if you like someone really focus on yourself.   There aren’t many that I will  even pay attention to at all these days because I just don’t have the time.  I have a lot of things personal things going on anyway.    Adults some act like Middle school pre-teens when it comes to having a crush which really gets on my nerves.

As I’ve said I like things to run in its natural course.  If you don’t understand what that means research or buy yourself some self help books to read about relationships.   But what I don’t recommend are those 12 step meetings those rooms are worse than the bar scene and sometimes a whole lot more dangerous.   Women have gotten killed.    Your not safe there.   When people stop drinking then drugging the next thing is they want to do is to get laid.  I’ve felt the sexual harassment in the 12 step rooms which is why I no longer attend.    I will continue this at a later time.

I’m getting tired.     Alright I’m back.   In conclusion the person in question got real desparate at the end of one afternoon meeting.   There was a fight between two women inside the meeting hall.   I panicked and couldn’t get out of there fast enough.   Well guess who was hot on my heels but this thirsty person ( slang for desparate type of person who is too anxious to meet someone) flys out of the meeting room yelling  loud enough for the whole the county to hear “I want to talk to you”!  really loud.     Well did it ever occur to the person in question I did not want to talk,   I wanted to leave.  

People no one wants a desparate person.  No one.   I’ve been alone for a long time

I don’t act desparate.     There is a saying of course it’s not one I coined.   And that saying is:  “If it was mean’t to be, then it was mean’t to be.  And trust me that hot mess coming after me was not mean’t to be.      This goes out to a reply I got yesterday.   I write what I’ve experienced.    Period.   If you want to write about your good experiances with AA go right ahead & do so on your own blog.  

But for me those 12 rooms house some people of a questionable nature.   I’ll give you a  example of a meeting I went to.  It was on a Friday night a woman who had 7 years of sobriety spoke and she said something  interesting that I never forgot.

And what she said was: “you can be straight, gay, lesbian your not safe in these rooms”.    I know what I’m talking about.    And not just that there is another blog site on WordPress StopAA  13th stepping I believe it’s called were there are a lot more horror stories of women getting raped!   Thankfully that has never happened to me because I know to steer clear of toxic people.    However what if the person is persistent?    And like what happened to me I’m walking out towards my Mother’s car (she was picking me up after a meeting) when this person screams my name CAN I TALK TO YOU and comes running towards me acting desparate.   Hey I never went back to that crazy meeting or any other meeting.   Oh & don’t get me started on Bill W.   

AA won’t improve until the main headquarters starts making some by laws then instilling them in each & every meeting.    Because there are predators, needy, clingy types not to mention the scores of BPD disordered types.   This has been addressed & brought to the main headquarters attention.  However they choose to sit back & do nothing.

I Hated Public School

Don’t know if you relate but I hated school when I was young.   I was never really popular but there is one traumatic memory that came up while I was staying up late.   I don’t sleep much about 4 hours every night.   I’m severely depressed a lot due to the usual, a Mother who is unstable and I live isolated.

I remember when I was in the 9th grade I had some friends who lived on the same block.   I thought that they were great.  However one day they stopped talking to me altogether and didn’t seem to care that it hurt my feelings.   That hurt worst of all.   Girls seem to be like that.   And I couldn’t talk to my Mother because she was unstable as far back as I can remember I didn’t trust my Mother & I was too uncomfortable to open up about this painful event.  Plus my Mother really didn’t seem to take an interest in anything I did.   

It was very traumatic for me I can tell you that.  My trust was destroyed.  I had to run into those cretins at school everyday and they acted as though nothing happened now as friends we hung out laughed, had fun.   Once when they came into the library I was at the library checkout desk so when you came into the library I came into the full view.  Those cretins saw me yelled really loud “oh my God” laughed hysterically, then turned around and left.  I really don’t know what that was about but those assholes really hurt my feelings.   Cretins.   Guess they weren’t raised in how to treat others or the Golden Rule.    I don’t care if it was middle school because I’ve met some really nice kids in middle school and they were great even when I acted goofy around them ( I miss those days)  I felt accepted & liked.

As far as I’m concerned those two sisters were the most ignorant I had ever met.  The teen years are horrible when your not popular and I certainly wasn’t.   Every middle school girl should be paired up with a mentor.   Really important.  Never spoke to them again.   I think that they still live in the same house.

Women

Now it’s my turn to talk about the women.  They can be SO MEAN! Which is why I don’t have any friends in particular women.   Let me give a recent example: Today while I’m waiting for my cab to pick my up from grocery shopping.

As I was waiting (not a favorite thing to do) a young Mother carrying a baby was walking out of the store.  But here is what I noticed, she cut her eyes sideways looking at me, then she laughed.  Guess she was crazy, however I felt that was somewhat mean.  This is what I usually have a problem.  Women always seem to want to bring other women down a notch to make themselves feel better.    How do I know this?  Well I actually knew a woman who was or still is I don’t know since I don’t talk to her, she actually said in a 12 step meeting that this is what she does so that she can feel better about herself.  And she was ALWAYS, ALWAYS mean to me over the years and yes it hurt like hell!  Do I forgive her?  I don’t know my trust is in the toilet as far as people goes.   I believe the worse in everyone.   It isn’t good.

Hey,  I’m not Mother Theresa.   I’m wounded.  But women they don’t really get along very well with one another NOT AT ALL!   And!  that includes Mothers they don’t seem to like nor get along with the Daughters very well.   Son’s are a different matter Mother’s love Son’s.   Daughters are always seen as a problem or harder to raise than Son’s.   Its true.   

And today watching this kid toting her baby around something else occurred to me.  Perhaps with carrying this baby THAT BABY MADE HER FEEL GOOD about herself.  Some (not all) Females tend to have babies just for that reason.   The ones that lack self esteem that is.   So not a good idea that’s my opinion.   I never had children.   And how could I?  Beaten on a daily basis, raised in complete chaotic environment between two sets of parents that both remarried has still messed up my mind to this day.  I often wonder why I’m not in jail, a heroin addict, or dead.    

But for me it confirms that people just aren’t real nice.  And I don’t expect them to be.   Back to the survival mode of retreating into myself.

Going Postal!

So I’m at the Post Office today to mail an important document to get on van transportation,  these days I don’t trust to mail anything important to certain agencies due to well…..a lack of trust.

While I was waiting, and trust me YOU WILL WAIT at the post office since that place has had many cut backs to staff you all know this already, it basically sucks to go but I needed to mail this out so what are you going to do.    

Two women where ahead of me then went to one of two post office women ( woo-hoo 2 women!?)   that were behind the counter.   The two women who were customers were purchasing stamps in bulk.   The woman the postal employee ran down the price of stamps & asked the 2 women how many they wanted to purchase.   However one of the two women customers was getting real irate saying “Calm down, Just a minute I’m thinking”!  in a tone that was really rude.   I was watching this thinking to myself that all the woman needed to have done was just ASK the employee to repeat the question instead of just barking at the employee.  It had occurred to me that the postal employee was very good at figures and was probably going too fast for the slow thinking women.  That’s okay the customers needn’t have gotten offended.

Well it only got worse from there the woman who was in the bad mood started raising her voice escalating the whole thing (over a bunch of stamps? really?) she was yelling then as she was leaving she called the postal employee a bitch!  

Myself & others waiting in line all at once chimed in.  I said something like “Hey, that’s not necessary”?  I said Hey something.   I didn’t like her tone. 

Here is my suggestion.   The post office in 2018 sucks!  Like going down to the DMV.   Make sure that your up to the task mentally trust me I know what I’m talking about for I had to really do a mental inventory hours before leaving my apartment! and this was in addition to getting all my paperwork together to mail out .    

You want to know something funny?  Someone in the post office line had said that the angry woman was getting married & that she was getting the stamps so that she could mail out wedding invitations.  If I was that Groom or whoever she was going to marry I would RUN!  This is just not a good sign.   I mean if something like a bunch of stamps set you off then what else might set you off?   Someone could use an anger management class.     This is why I don’t like most people very much.

For Women Only. The Cold Hard Truth About Out Here In The World.

Now what I’m about to write may make some men angry , if it does then stop reading and go to another page please.   This blog is by no means a representation of ALL men out here in the World only a fraction of some in how they treat women.  I have to write about this because it seems to me that people are blind to what goes on for us women and I’ll include all women not just ones of color.

Today , I went for an appointment to see a counselor.   My regular one was out sick so I was stuck with an intern.  Aah mental health interns they need way more experience!  Especially when it comes to the  White mental health interns.   I was explaining to the clueless intern about my many times that I’ve faced discrimination in employment mostly by men.

  Now the men I’m referring to were of the same ethnicity & worked at a non profit agency that was supposed to help people struggling to  get on track to employment and a better life.   Didn’t happen for me I’m afraid.   And I did all I could to make my appointments.  These guys either couldn’t or wouldn’t help me.  SMH I’m guessing they wouldn’t.  Just plain didn’t want to. I remember those subtle baleful looks I would get.  I gave those guys NO REASON for such treatment.  A lot goes on behind a closed door.  When your just one person in the room how can you prove any maleficence?    Well I have a theory one is discrimination and I didn’t warrant such treatment from someone in power.   Basically a subtle form of 1 part discrimination 1 part bigotry by well groomed men in crisp white shirts with a tie.  I mean hell they didn’t care they got a paycheck whether they helped me or not.  However, when I referred a friend of my Mother & myself to the agency with the same two bourgeois ungentlemen this woman did get A JOB!   (shaking my head)  .     Wow!  Yes the evil men actually helped my friend gave her a referral to be interviewed for a job.  Don’t really understand why they helped her , but not me.  The woman did have kids & was married.  Or perhaps I just didn’t act ethnic enough.  Who really knows.  Yes women if your a woman especially of color and have a good command of the English language THAT might get you discriminated because then the men seem to have some sort of an inferiority complex.

This particular non profit agency is now BANKRUPT! which I’ m not surprised due to the shady activity which I suspected them of.   Basically women my sisters when trying to get your life together nothing takes the place of good old fashioned EDUCATION.   Go to college!  Network from the University or people who’ve attended them.

Because men could care less.   Unless you sleep with them that is.

I Just Don’t Know How LIVE ON MY OWN Out Here!

Since getting out of the military I just haven’t fared well at all.   I’ve been through a lot of jobs most of those didn’t work out.   I want to attend college classes, I still do but at the time while working I had no clue how to hold down a job & go to class.

I had no one to talk to about this particular issue.   Now I’ve been unemployed and for a long time.   I still have no community, no support and I’m trying to or to get in contact for some job training at a local non profit that most of you are familiar with, when I tried to contact the phone number or emails I get a wrong number, when I try to email I get that “Mailer Delivery error message”.

Don’t have any family to turn to, all I have left is prayer and I have to tell you that my faith is not real good at this point because I’m scared I don’t know what to do.   I get treated poorly, in fact I have the worst case of PTSD imanginable due to dealing with in the past two years the following:

My elderly Mother who did a brief separation from her 3rd Husband and came to live with me, she went first to a hotel then when that was too expensive stayed with me in the tiny studio apartment at the time.   She went to the courthouse to file paperwork only to return to the Husband.

While in between apartments I was staying with a friend.  The friend was throwing a bachelorette party for her cousin.   The party had really been thrashed & destroyed due to the friends grown daughter drinking way too much.   And by too much I mean that the daughter got so mean & angry she threw furniture, busted up some windows & worst.   I & some others had to hold the door in place so that she wouldn’t come out of her bedroom because she wanted to beat everyone up and everyone according to my friends sister who was outside smoking a cigarette there was a neighbor walking across the street towards the house with all the commotion WITH A LOADED GUN!  Luckily the sister smoking a cigarette intercepted him or I could have gotten shot think about it a white man with a gun comes into a house with women from India & the only black woman (me)  I don’t need to complete that equation.  I blogged about this but the blog is somewhere in the WP archives.  

Then last year 2017 there was the angry female gangbanger(?) at least I think she was one, possible thug anyway.   She screamed, yelled then kicked & pounded in my door threatening all holy hell.

But all this still doesn’t explain why I haven’t made much of my life it’s been a long, long time.    I’m scared and I don’t know what to do.  I never thought that I would get to a place like where I am now.   Alone, no job, no friends or sense of community.   If something doesn’t happen soon it just doesn’t look good for me.   And I worked my butt off in previous years since getting out of the military too.   I’ve been to some non profit agencies that help with getting a person employed only to face discrimination by men wearing crisp white shirts + ties and of the same ethnicity ( no surprise there) I mean no matter how hard you may try its impossible to fight discrimination that’s aimed at you and if you have no proof then your pretty much S.O.L .     I guess that it can’t hurt to pray but I have to wonder to myself where is God at a time like this?