Memory Lane

This blog is a little bit more uplifting.  I just had a memory of when I served in the Army.    The Army was a horrible experience for me having been a woman.  Now it’s only gotten worse it seems but I won’t get into that because I don’t want to incite the wrath of anyone.      One morning and this was when I was stationed in Germany I came out of my barracks room and was waiting out in the hallway.

I remember that in the military you have what is called “formation” and all that is is that you gather in four or five rows at attention, then parade rest while the high ranking officer or sargeants read off the order of business or to even scream at the company if someone F**ked up.   If you need a better clarification go to Google.

While I waited in the hall there was a young man somewhat small in stature but had some serious anger issues he never looked happy and to be honest he seemed to have what I can only describe as this evil kind of facial features that seemed to me kind of demonic looking even back then I had a slight twinge go up my spine but I dismissed it.  He was sitting down on the floor in the hallway.  There was still a few minutes before the company had to go outside,  the little guy had said something to me  .  I felt comfortable enough to have a chat with  him . Back then I was much more comfortable around people than I am today no matter what a person looked like or how they acted.

This guy I’ll call him Mike asked me what I did over the weekend.   So without hesitation I told him something like I read some books, watched tv, took a nap.    Mike’s eyes grew wide in disbelief which I couldn’t figure out his expression.

He replied with :  “you mean you stayed sober all weekend”?   I was puzzled by this, and I said “Yes”.    Mike just looked at me incredulous.    Soldiers and this is the truth  G.I.’s    really get drunk.     They drink themselves to oblivion.   This is something that the Army recruiter failed to mention to me when I chose to enlist.     Let me tell you about another time.      

One morning in formation my company were all standing outside, when the high ranking Sergeant known as a “First Sergeant” ( picture 3 stripes + 3 more stripes with a diamond right in the center you’ve put in a lot of years if you make this rank & serving in a campaign doesn’t hurt either.)  screamed at the entire company.    Here is the reason.    Apparently a male who lived in the same barracks as I did got together with some of his other soldier buddies were they went out to drink in town….nothing wrong there EXCEPT that all of them were very drunk, they didn’t seem to have a designated driver and they all piled into a tin can of a European car I think it was a Yugo a really bad car ( Google it up).     They ended up crashing the car into some  tree nearly losing their lives.   They lived but just barely these young men ended up in the hospital then after which time the military stockade.

Now!  the First Seargeant decided to scream at the entire company so as not to have what happened to these soldiers have the same happen to us.   He was full of a rage unlike anything I’ve ever seen or experienced with the exception of my former Stepfather (when I was a child).

All I remember him screaming was “We don’t want you dead”!   We can’t get any work out of you if your dead”!   I can’t remember the words he screamed at the company prior to his “we don’t want you dead” line because it was long time ago.    I remember thinking to myself: “Why is Top (nickname of the 1st seargeant) screaming at all of us? “I didn’t do anything wrong.   I was a youngster 21 at that time, very responsible although sometimes I complained I did whatever duties came my way because I knew that it was expected of me.   It was at that moment that I decided that once my enlistment was up that I would be going home.   

Please Stop Asking Me If You Went To High School With Me.

I can’t stand when someone from way back in the day asks me if I went to ( I won’t name the High School so I’ll make one up)  Jackson High School.      Many years have passed since that dreadful graduation day.   I say dreadful because even during that day my Mother made it all about her.   Anyway, I get real annoyed when someone comes up to me out of nowhere asking me the following:

“Excuse me are you ( insert my name here) and did you go to Jackson high school? What happens at this point is I give them a blank look because I have NO IDEA who in the World they are.       Think about it a minute.   Have you thought about it?  Okay let me help you out.   Many years have passed alright?   People gain weight, lose weight depending on the person.     The boys that I once remember are bald usually or have awful facial hair making them totally unrecognizable.   The women well its like I said: weight gain, change all around, grey hair no hair, wigs, weaves, hell perhaps plastic surgery I have no idea.    Do you see my point?  People’s looks change over the years so don’t expect me to just clap my hands, jump for joy and call out your name.    Because chances are I won’t recognize you and I’ve been through ALOT of shit in life since high school.   I’m not the same woman not by a long shot.   all through during my high school teen years when my own Mother was extremely abusive towards me were she would scream, jump in the air, throw things, or sometimes ignore me to go into her bedroom to go to bed shutting the door behind her ( she never even asked me how school was) and I was never fed food because she expected me to do my own grocery shopping ( which would have been fine if only she would have bothered to SHOW ME HOW and provide me with some money remember I was a typical teenager) 

The real World really did kick my ass around nothing worked out I had no normal life, I never married, never had those close friends it was pain and then more pain.   SO in other words Hell.    The last thing I need is some one coming up to me asking me a dumb question about “Did you go to such & such high school”?   I’m spent people!!!   SO next time just say Hello, and it’s good to see that your still around and I’ll be grateful for that…..ALRIGHT?

I Had A Near Death Experience As A Child.

I haven’t posted on here in a while, busy dealing with a difficult & challenging life.  Plus once again I’m not happy with the new place due to the rate of high crime & drugs, so I’m making plans + goals again to move once the lease is up next spring.

Without divulging how old I am I really wanted to post about a near death experience I had it was the scariest moment of my then young life.    I was 9 years old.   Here is what happened:

It was a hot summer night on August I believe I won’t say what year if that’s okay.   I had fell asleep, that year I was a caregiver to my Fathers 2nd Wife’s elderly Mother ( Yes that Step Mother always sought ways to make my life hard).   That night I had been watching tv and as was my habit I was watching tv while sitting on the floor.   I remember it was late, I don’t remember the time.  The Old woman had her dining room window open due to how hot it was.  

I woke up to screaming and it came from the back of the house.   I was startled I already knew something was terribly wrong.  The old lady was mean but never did she scream.   I cautiously walked towards the back of the house and with each step I grew more & more frightened.   Pure agony.

The commotion was in one of two bedrooms that the old lady shared with her grown son, however her son was working the graveyard shift at the Post Office.

What I had seen shook me to my core.    I didn’t scream because I couldn’t, but I was in total shock at what I saw.

What I saw was a big man with a stocking over his face which distorted his facial features  making his face look more  grotesque.   Don’t know if you’ve ever watch old movies where men wear women’s sheer stockings over their faces but I can tell you it is the most frightening thing to witness.

The criminal stood directly behind the Old Lady.   He had a knife to her throat.  I said nothing,  I was so SCARED!   The Old Lady in a voice filled with panic & very shaky told me to get her purse on the upper shelf.   She had over 7 different purses

But, I somehow KNEW which purse to get & which purse had money in it, the old lady didn’t tell me which one.   To this day I don’t know how I knew.  But I did steal money out of her purse on previous occassions to get food for myself, I was being under fed by the step parent ( fed just barely yet she always made steak for my Father when he would come home) so I was always going hungry.   I reached up got the purse, then gave it to the criminal.

I remember thinking to myself during this time this:  “How am I going to get out of this jam”?   I really did think that that day would be my last day on Earth!  I was 9.

After the criminal got the purse with the cash he ordered me & the Old Lady into the bathroom.   He said “count to 100 then you can come out”.   We did count, well I remember that I did.   I kind of peed myself but I didn’t really worry about that.

Now during the time that myself & the Old Lady were counting I remember hearing loud heavy foot steps rushing around then I heard a loud THUMP + the sound of BING which was the ringtone bell inside  the phone which  hit the floor hard.   For those of you too young to remember indoor phones were heavy they had a receiver + a heavy phone base.    The criminal had yanked the phone out of the wall sending the phone crashing hard onto the floor.

But that was not all.   The good news was that the criminal was gone & he hadn’t harmed a hair on our heads.   The bad news we had to get help, however here is where I am so angry to this very day.   The old lady had ME go outside of the house all by myself where I had to go to the next door neighbors home to get help.   This was before cell phones.  

I remember once again being scared out of my mind.   I went next door, and I remember climbing up stairs to get to the neighbor directly next door to the old lady.   I don’t remember much after that.

Don’t remember how much time later that it was before LAPD arrived but they did.

I guess I got asked questions I don’t remember that, however there were a couple of squad cars that arrived and there is one thing I do remember.   One of the LAPD officers had in their custody a black man who was in light colored coveralls.  The officer had a flashlight & he shone it on the black man asking ME was this the man?  Again I was in shock.   I was confused.   I told the officer that I just didn’t know   I may have been 9 years old but even as young as I was I wasn’t ABOUT to put an innocent man in jail.   It may have been him I realized all these years later but at that time  OH NO I wasn’t about to get that stranger man put in jail over something I said.    To this day I feel good about that, however that was A WHOLE LOT to put on a child don’t you think?

I mean that  poor man could have been going to the store to get bread or whatever. I now pray more than ever.   You can’t tell me that God doesn’t exist.  You can’t tell me Jesus doesn’t.    For I grew up in LOS ANGELES CALIFORNIA were people will cut your throat over change.   Were Charles Manson ordered his group to murder RICH WHITE PEOPLE  and laughed about it .    This has been the first time I’ve been able to share this as I never had the chance to share this with over the dozens of therapists I’ve seen.     So please don’t judge me too harshly.   Knowing about crime & how people get murdered in this country everyday there must be a reason WHY I’m still here so for whatever remaining time I have left I want to do my best to get things right.     Thanks for reading.   This was a true story!  One last thing that I have to add, I remember not ONE PERSON even asking me if I was alright.   In fact my Step Mother at that time when she did talk to me put more fear into me.   So instead of soothing, nurturing the woman said that my life was in more danger because of the incident.    I quote her she told me “My life is in just as much danger as hers ( the old lady I was babysitting).   I have no idea what the ***** mean’t either as I was way too scared to even ask.

Finding A Therapist

I don’t like most therapists.    I find the lot of them too judgemental.      Growing up I was bullied & beaten on but I got through it often I was positive about it.   Then as I was a teen all I encountered were spoiled, sullen often ill mannered teens.   

I grow to be an adult I keep a good positive attitude and then I run into nothing but adult bullies who say nothing but cruel stuff to me or about me.    “Oh no one is that nice”   Grow up with abuse, still have abuse as an adult.    I have to say at this point in my life I neither like nor trust other people.   I sure haven’t hit the jackpot on meeting nice people.   Then I try to go into therapy & run into more of the abusive same with being judged by some so called educated hack who doesn’t even bother to really get to know me or what I’ve been through in my life.   Instead I find some crack pot who is going through her own life story.   How she was raised by Southern Baptists who didn’t treat her right ( boo hoo I thought that this was MY session)  How she bought a DNA kit & found out that she has some black blood coursing through her .   You know that you made a very erroneous mistake picking some person ( for lack of a nicer word)  when the session turns out to be all ABOUT THE THERAPIST.      And another failure .    No wonder people are turning to drugs in droves in this country the mental health system is a total mess.   I haven’t met one person who isn’t selfish or who didn’t want to take advantage of me.

I’m stuck.    No family, father is dead, no friends so what do I do?  It gets worse.   Hardly any money,   I’m stuck.   And all my Mother says is to PRAY.  Well that doesn’t help.

Young Millenial Men Stop Acting So Arrogant.

I was walking on my way to Pioneer Square yesterday morning heading to the ferry.    Here is what I noticed.   Young millennial men usually always Caucasion who act as though THEY own the sidewalk.    Let me give you an example.

As a habit & to stay out of people’s way I walk on the inside meaning to the farthest towards the wall like a building.   While I was walking a guy grown man is walking  right smack up to me.   He is not moving around me or anything.   Wow I thought what a prick.   Well I didn’t move either in fact I refused to let this guy who was one of those weirdo guys who wear the skin tight girly pants sporting that stupid hair style that’s shaved at the sides look.    OMG  wear a REAL HAIR STYLE!

So we stood there for what seemed like a few minutes BEFORE HE finally moved.   You see I will not tolerate ANYONE bullying, or intimidating me for ANY reason.   If your having a bad day keep it to yourself & stop acting like a damn child!

All I’ve Known Are Hateful , Meanspirited people but….I keep on & I don’t give up

I still struggle.   I still have no friends except for one in the Washington Veterans Home were I used to live near.     I still have no romantic relationship it has been many years.    Yep, I’ve been single a very long time.   I am treated with continued disrespect  for some reason most people just don’t care how I’m treated, I guess I have no feelings.    It’s difficult I feel marginalized and of course I feel like I have nothing to live for.    And sometimes I get triggered watching the damn TV especially the nightly news because I feel that the people on TV live better lives than I do.

There are many, many times where I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere!    I try to talk to my Mother but she just doesn’t get it.    All I get is:  “There are people out there who would love to be alone”.    That’s what she said to me today.   I’m like really?   No one enjoys being alone.    Another dumb thing my Mother said was this:  “Well you have some people who are with someone that they don’t really want to be with.   I didn’t relate to that one at all.       She says some dumb stuff.   I’m trying to find a good mental health therapist but those are real difficult to find especially when your all alone with ZERO SUPPORT.    I have a standing appointment coming soon.   I hope that this place helps me.    About 3 years ago I sat at the computer & typed out my family history so that whatever therapist I get can take the time to read it.   If I don’t get a therapist who will read what I typed then that therapist will no longer be my therapist.   I have some decades and I want someone to read what I had to go through,   I have to tell you that going through what I went through has gone a long way to almost ruin my life & provide me with a whole host of mental health issues which no one cares to know about me.    Does anyone give a damn?   I’m guessing NO.

Being alone with no one in my life, living in a bad part of town (again) and struggling to make something of myself in a world that thinks of me as a Nigger, lazy, no good  etc is kind of difficult.      I’m never given a chance.   

All This Hate Confuses Me

Living here in the PNW ( Pacific Northwest)  is difficult & mentally draining!   As a black woman I feel as though I’m constantly at the bottom of the heap in the pecking order of daily life.     That!  is unacceptable.    I feel disrespected.   I’ll tell you why.    There are times that I will be out at a restaurant and other blacks will simply be disrespectful.    I’ll give you an example.

I went to the International District of Chinatown to order some Chinese takeout.   As I’m sitting at the counter waiting for my order another much older black woman walks by and with one of those waving gestures with hand, wrist, forearm she clearly was trying to say something, and that something wasn’t really nice.   It was a swift downward type of gesture that she did.   I was sitting at the end of the counter.   I have no idea WHAT her problem was but it’s typical of the type of ignorant behavior I am on the receiving end of .

See,   I’m okay if you don’t like me just don’t take whatever negative emotion or issue that you might have?   out on me, because then there is a problem.   Now I do the best that I can & I just ignore it but sometimes I just get down right tired of the WAY that I’m treated!   From getting racial slurs screamed at me from a woman who is of another ethnic origin to disrespectful gestures from a miserable old hag   I’m tired of it.   It’s times like this that I’m very glad that I stay to myself!   I just have ZERO tolerance for ignorant / disrespectful behavior.    I so look forward to the day when I can meet that someone special AND move the hell out of KING COUNTY ( it sucks!)  especially southend  were it’s people are so out to lunch crazy among other things.    I’m counting the days!      Last month I’m riding a bus route an awful bus route that was over crowded & small.   A very unattractive man who had those deep creases in his forehead was on his cell phone talking loud for the whole bus to hear & he was standing\ right next to me was so goddamned rude & stupid.    I simply looked up at him because he was LOUD!   You get people that are too stupid to be aware enough to know that you use your INDOOR VOICE,  he did not.   So he is speaking to some other women I guess he got all insecure and he said:

“I don’t give a fuck, that’s why I moved to Washington from Chicago because weed here is legal”.     I guess some woman mentioned how loudmouth he was.    That guy needed his ass kicked off the bus.    I ended up getting off the bus several stops EARLY!   That guy was a total bastard & stupid.    I felt like telling him to take his dumb ass BACK to Chicago.       I have zero tolerance for ignorant & disrespectful, hateful behavior.    I live in an area that doesn’t have the brightest bulbs in the bunch.     Once again I will need to move once my lease ends.   The housing market is tough here and I’m on a few waitlists.    To save my sanity I ride the ferry whenever possible just to get away.      King County sucks!    Gotta go I’m hungry.