Don’t know if you relate but I hated school when I was young. I was never really popular but there is one traumatic memory that came up while I was staying up late. I don’t sleep much about 4 hours every night. I’m severely depressed a lot due to the usual, a Mother who is unstable and I live isolated.
I remember when I was in the 9th grade I had some friends who lived on the same block. I thought that they were great. However one day they stopped talking to me altogether and didn’t seem to care that it hurt my feelings. That hurt worst of all. Girls seem to be like that. And I couldn’t talk to my Mother because she was unstable as far back as I can remember I didn’t trust my Mother & I was too uncomfortable to open up about this painful event. Plus my Mother really didn’t seem to take an interest in anything I did.
It was very traumatic for me I can tell you that. My trust was destroyed. I had to run into those cretins at school everyday and they acted as though nothing happened now as friends we hung out laughed, had fun. Once when they came into the library I was at the library checkout desk so when you came into the library I came into the full view. Those cretins saw me yelled really loud “oh my God” laughed hysterically, then turned around and left. I really don’t know what that was about but those assholes really hurt my feelings. Cretins. Guess they weren’t raised in how to treat others or the Golden Rule. I don’t care if it was middle school because I’ve met some really nice kids in middle school and they were great even when I acted goofy around them ( I miss those days) I felt accepted & liked.
As far as I’m concerned those two sisters were the most ignorant I had ever met. The teen years are horrible when your not popular and I certainly wasn’t. Every middle school girl should be paired up with a mentor. Really important. Never spoke to them again. I think that they still live in the same house.
Anger Management. We see it just about everywhere don’t we?
Now it’s my turn to talk about the women. They can be SO MEAN! Which is why I don’t have any friends in particular women. Let me give a recent example: Today while I’m waiting for my cab to pick my up from grocery shopping.
As I was waiting (not a favorite thing to do) a young Mother carrying a baby was walking out of the store. But here is what I noticed, she cut her eyes sideways looking at me, then she laughed. Guess she was crazy, however I felt that was somewhat mean. This is what I usually have a problem. Women always seem to want to bring other women down a notch to make themselves feel better. How do I know this? Well I actually knew a woman who was or still is I don’t know since I don’t talk to her, she actually said in a 12 step meeting that this is what she does so that she can feel better about herself. And she was ALWAYS, ALWAYS mean to me over the years and yes it hurt like hell! Do I forgive her? I don’t know my trust is in the toilet as far as people goes. I believe the worse in everyone. It isn’t good.
Hey, I’m not Mother Theresa. I’m wounded. But women they don’t really get along very well with one another NOT AT ALL! And! that includes Mothers they don’t seem to like nor get along with the Daughters very well. Son’s are a different matter Mother’s love Son’s. Daughters are always seen as a problem or harder to raise than Son’s. Its true.
And today watching this kid toting her baby around something else occurred to me. Perhaps with carrying this baby THAT BABY MADE HER FEEL GOOD about herself. Some (not all) Females tend to have babies just for that reason. The ones that lack self esteem that is. So not a good idea that’s my opinion. I never had children. And how could I? Beaten on a daily basis, raised in complete chaotic environment between two sets of parents that both remarried has still messed up my mind to this day. I often wonder why I’m not in jail, a heroin addict, or dead.
But for me it confirms that people just aren’t real nice. And I don’t expect them to be. Back to the survival mode of retreating into myself.
So I’m at the Post Office today to mail an important document to get on van transportation, these days I don’t trust to mail anything important to certain agencies due to well…..a lack of trust.
While I was waiting, and trust me YOU WILL WAIT at the post office since that place has had many cut backs to staff you all know this already, it basically sucks to go but I needed to mail this out so what are you going to do.
Two women where ahead of me then went to one of two post office women ( woo-hoo 2 women!?) that were behind the counter. The two women who were customers were purchasing stamps in bulk. The woman the postal employee ran down the price of stamps & asked the 2 women how many they wanted to purchase. However one of the two women customers was getting real irate saying “Calm down, Just a minute I’m thinking”! in a tone that was really rude. I was watching this thinking to myself that all the woman needed to have done was just ASK the employee to repeat the question instead of just barking at the employee. It had occurred to me that the postal employee was very good at figures and was probably going too fast for the slow thinking women. That’s okay the customers needn’t have gotten offended.
Well it only got worse from there the woman who was in the bad mood started raising her voice escalating the whole thing (over a bunch of stamps? really?) she was yelling then as she was leaving she called the postal employee a bitch!
Myself & others waiting in line all at once chimed in. I said something like “Hey, that’s not necessary”? I said Hey something. I didn’t like her tone.
Here is my suggestion. The post office in 2018 sucks! Like going down to the DMV. Make sure that your up to the task mentally trust me I know what I’m talking about for I had to really do a mental inventory hours before leaving my apartment! and this was in addition to getting all my paperwork together to mail out .
You want to know something funny? Someone in the post office line had said that the angry woman was getting married & that she was getting the stamps so that she could mail out wedding invitations. If I was that Groom or whoever she was going to marry I would RUN! This is just not a good sign. I mean if something like a bunch of stamps set you off then what else might set you off? Someone could use an anger management class. This is why I don’t like most people very much.
Now what I’m about to write may make some men angry , if it does then stop reading and go to another page please. This blog is by no means a representation of ALL men out here in the World only a fraction of some in how they treat women. I have to write about this because it seems to me that people are blind to what goes on for us women and I’ll include all women not just ones of color.
Today , I went for an appointment to see a counselor. My regular one was out sick so I was stuck with an intern. Aah mental health interns they need way more experience! Especially when it comes to the White mental health interns. I was explaining to the clueless intern about my many times that I’ve faced discrimination in employment mostly by men.
Now the men I’m referring to were of the same ethnicity & worked at a non profit agency that was supposed to help people struggling to get on track to employment and a better life. Didn’t happen for me I’m afraid. And I did all I could to make my appointments. These guys either couldn’t or wouldn’t help me. SMH I’m guessing they wouldn’t. Just plain didn’t want to. I remember those subtle baleful looks I would get. I gave those guys NO REASON for such treatment. A lot goes on behind a closed door. When your just one person in the room how can you prove any maleficence? Well I have a theory one is discrimination and I didn’t warrant such treatment from someone in power. Basically a subtle form of 1 part discrimination 1 part bigotry by well groomed men in crisp white shirts with a tie. I mean hell they didn’t care they got a paycheck whether they helped me or not. However, when I referred a friend of my Mother & myself to the agency with the same two bourgeois ungentlemen this woman did get A JOB! (shaking my head) . Wow! Yes the evil men actually helped my friend gave her a referral to be interviewed for a job. Don’t really understand why they helped her , but not me. The woman did have kids & was married. Or perhaps I just didn’t act ethnic enough. Who really knows. Yes women if your a woman especially of color and have a good command of the English language THAT might get you discriminated because then the men seem to have some sort of an inferiority complex.
This particular non profit agency is now BANKRUPT! which I’ m not surprised due to the shady activity which I suspected them of. Basically women my sisters when trying to get your life together nothing takes the place of good old fashioned EDUCATION. Go to college! Network from the University or people who’ve attended them.
Because men could care less. Unless you sleep with them that is.
Since getting out of the military I just haven’t fared well at all. I’ve been through a lot of jobs most of those didn’t work out. I want to attend college classes, I still do but at the time while working I had no clue how to hold down a job & go to class.
I had no one to talk to about this particular issue. Now I’ve been unemployed and for a long time. I still have no community, no support and I’m trying to or to get in contact for some job training at a local non profit that most of you are familiar with, when I tried to contact the phone number or emails I get a wrong number, when I try to email I get that “Mailer Delivery error message”.
Don’t have any family to turn to, all I have left is prayer and I have to tell you that my faith is not real good at this point because I’m scared I don’t know what to do. I get treated poorly, in fact I have the worst case of PTSD imanginable due to dealing with in the past two years the following:
My elderly Mother who did a brief separation from her 3rd Husband and came to live with me, she went first to a hotel then when that was too expensive stayed with me in the tiny studio apartment at the time. She went to the courthouse to file paperwork only to return to the Husband.
While in between apartments I was staying with a friend. The friend was throwing a bachelorette party for her cousin. The party had really been thrashed & destroyed due to the friends grown daughter drinking way too much. And by too much I mean that the daughter got so mean & angry she threw furniture, busted up some windows & worst. I & some others had to hold the door in place so that she wouldn’t come out of her bedroom because she wanted to beat everyone up and everyone according to my friends sister who was outside smoking a cigarette there was a neighbor walking across the street towards the house with all the commotion WITH A LOADED GUN! Luckily the sister smoking a cigarette intercepted him or I could have gotten shot think about it a white man with a gun comes into a house with women from India & the only black woman (me) I don’t need to complete that equation. I blogged about this but the blog is somewhere in the WP archives.
Then last year 2017 there was the angry female gangbanger(?) at least I think she was one, possible thug anyway. She screamed, yelled then kicked & pounded in my door threatening all holy hell.
But all this still doesn’t explain why I haven’t made much of my life it’s been a long, long time. I’m scared and I don’t know what to do. I never thought that I would get to a place like where I am now. Alone, no job, no friends or sense of community. If something doesn’t happen soon it just doesn’t look good for me. And I worked my butt off in previous years since getting out of the military too. I’ve been to some non profit agencies that help with getting a person employed only to face discrimination by men wearing crisp white shirts + ties and of the same ethnicity ( no surprise there) I mean no matter how hard you may try its impossible to fight discrimination that’s aimed at you and if you have no proof then your pretty much S.O.L . I guess that it can’t hurt to pray but I have to wonder to myself where is God at a time like this?
What’s up everyone! I’m not doing all that great, however I got the writing bug and I just had another memory from long ago in my memory bank that just came up to the surface as I was trying to play a computer game. SCHOOL. In particular the public school years.
When I was say 9 years old so about the 4th grade I was attending a very LOUSY public school in good ole Los Angeles California. It was in Los Angeles County and that’s the extent of the description. The school which was & I think still is 98% black had the worse rate of how the teachers taught the kids. Here is what I’m talking about , I’ll give you an example.
It was someone’s bright idea to pair up kids in the classroom I was in with other kids who were struggling to read. Which isn’t a bad idea except for just one problem. It’s not the kids job to insure that kids LEARN TO READ! IT’S THE TEACHERS JOB ! So this was how it all played out. I had to play tutor to someone who was struggling with their reading. The problem with this was: I WAS 9 YEARS OLD! Although I was reading at a good level I was cheated out of an education for ME! I’m NOT in school for someone else to learn, I’m there for MYSELF to learn.
Okay , what your probably wondering is why didn’t I speak up? Here is why:
- I was being beaten physically on an almost daily basis
- I was being intimidated by a step Mother on an almost daily basis
- I had ZERO and I mean ZERO self worth which no one bothered to teach me.
It took me all these years to figure it out. This is what the government does to the public schools ladies & gentlemen. They don’t care about your children in public school, so make sure that you do or better still enroll them in private or a charter
Because teachers all they seem to care about is their damn paychecks! I speak from experience. What public school has gotten me is unemployed, and a lifetime of grief. Thanks teachers.
I am tired , I should be going to bed but don’t want to. I am watching a documentary about homeless people who are in Nashville TN for about the 50th time. Regular TV is garbage especially network tv.
I’m not talking to my Mother, she gets on my last nerve playing the victim all the time no matter how much I try to provide suggestions, she chooses to do the pity pot thing & since it triggers my manic depression well it’s the silent treatment it is.
For those of you in the know or who don’t know don’t move to Seattle! It’s awful! the social scene sucks and all anyone wants to do here is get high. People here have no social skills. You know I want to find a good city to move to when I was younger but the problem was this: Where in the world do I go? and I don’t know anyone in other cities. Back in the 80’s I did try to live with my Father in Los Angeles however his Wife didn’t want me around & my Father was a bit obtuse on how to help me. I stayed for a year and I tried to find work . Any kind of work but it was hard to find anything. Hell I couldn’t even get hired at Mcdonalds or Carls Jr. So I had to fly back to dreadful Seattle where I’ve been stuck ever since. And OMG does it suck here! I’m really really trying to figure a way to find a job so I can earn enough money to leave & head down South. I have a city in mind. I’ll have to continue this later this W.P. is acting up. This city will cause anyone to jump off a bridge! Hey everyone. Just woke up oh man did I sleep in way too late but no worries. Manic depression does drain you mentally.
I got to thinking here regarding me and the time when I tried to move down to Los Angeles in the 1980’s. Well it was a good thing that it might not have worked out however I sure wished that I had some other relatives who might have lived in other counties. My Dad was real neglectful. And I did have a difficult time living with him. But I do know this. I MUST move out of Washington. It’s real sad because I have no other family that lives elsewhere. So if any of you pray please pray for me! Living here in Seattle Washington is just no damn good for me.