Another Day….Same thing

Tough times.   I’m just plain disgusted today!  All I have are prayer & the bible.  Yeah some of you probably aren’t all too religious which is fine.  Some of you may even laugh at me or are a bit scornful.  But you know what everyone?  When you have little else then for me this is the only thing that I have.  Prayer & reading passages out of my bible that my Mother of all people bought for me which I didn’t want in the first place, and might I add she didn’t even check with me first.  What I had wanted was money to buy some new clothes, comic books, or something fun like that.   Just so you’ll know I prefer to be asked what I want for Christmas because it shows that YOU actually care what I want.

However, I’m sort of glad that I have it now because in times of:



Of years of the same thing of everything sucking and it does suck

These are the only things that I have

Don’t really have anyone kicking down my door for friendship

or anything else for that matter

Life sure isn’t like a TV show like Sex In The City TV series or the movie for that matter

I sure wish it were minus all the promiscuity of course cause I’ve never really been a fan of sex anyway

And I thank God for that otherwise I might have been a victim of the AIDS virus.  Remember the one you may sleep with aren’t necessarily honest about their history.  That is the plain truth.  I keep it real on here.

Today I’m simply frustrated.  Today is Saturday and as always I’m at a loss on what to do.  Yeah, I suppose I can run errands like:

Going to the post office to pick up a package that came for me.

Go to the library which I’m sick to death of doing since I’ve been going to the library so much I feel that I should move in there & start paying rent!

Today while I was taking my recycling out to empty cause it was overflowing, I just let loose & out loud of how sick I am with how much it sucks in my life.  I didn’t even care if someone else came outside to see me venting either.  At this point I just don’t care!

All I have on this Saturday afternoon is Mr. Mozart playing on my small CD player, this laptop that I’m typing on, a messy apartment that I refuse to straighten up, I feel why bother?  Cleaning does little to help how I feel anyway.  That’s just how I feel.  I’ve never really been a clean freak anyway.   As a little girl I hated chores to the max!  No incentive except if I didn’t do them I would get screamed at or belittled of what a loser or some such thing.  So I say to hell with it.

I no longer like going to the movies especially when I found out that all of the celebrities have sold out and in a major way that I won’t get into just to get fame.  Do your own research on this and you’ll know what I’m talking about.

Sometimes, I understand why some people hang with a bad crowd too.  Cause hanging with someone is better than hanging with no one at all.  Don’t believe me then take a look at all the young people who join gangs.  With no support nor positive family that pays attention to these young people then what else do the do?  Find what they need in the streets of course!  Do you follow me?

I don’t condone it, but I sure do understand it.  Cause being lonely is a total bitch! When my Father was alive & we would have our weekly or bi-weekly phone calls ( he had lived in L.A. remember? If you’ve read my previous blogs)  Dad had said the very same thing.  It was why I would frequently go out of town to visit him just to get away from Seattle for a moment.  I sure do miss my visits to him.  Despite him being a lousy Father I at least had somewhere to go, plus California is a great place to get away minus all the stuck up & mean people there.  Not much different from Seattle except down in L.A. the people sure look great!  Tan & very fit.

It just isn’t easy living this way.  But then again nothing really has come easy in my life.  Sure I had real brief periods of things going pretty good like friendships but like anything in life nothing lasts forever.  Friends get married, move, or die as was the case with me.  It does happen everyone. 

I may be a bit controversial here but I even understand why some people commit suicide too.  I’m not saying that I will, cause I am too much of a coward to do such a thing although I’ve attempted it a few times almost overdosing on drugs…wow lets just say that it was a real close call for yours truly here…came close that one time.  Like the rapper Eminem who almost died of a drug overdose and not that long ago, he almost bought that ticket to the other side had he waited just a moment longer and had he not had someone ( or someone else I don’t remember) drive him to the ER to save his life.  He is now drug & alcohol free & in recovery.  Don’t care for his music but I’m happy that he didn’t die only to be another artist to succumb.

I did succeed in getting off drugs but it wasn’t easy plus I had zero support from the 12 step program & its people who attend them due to their abusive nature to how they treat the newcomers who struggle with addiction.  And there were other things that I feel were demeaning especially when it came to the emotional + mental issues.  You just don’t down play someone’s issues especially when the person telling their story experienced sever trauma as I did.  There was one time that I was almost killed in a robbery.  Luckily for myself & the old woman with whom I was forced to keep company with (I was around 9 at the time, it was Step Mom’s Mother) all the robber wanted was money which I was real expedient to give him out of the old ladies purse.  I used to steal money out of it so I knew just exactly were to find it.

I like to think that the robber was happy ( I guess?) when I found the purse that the old lady had in her closet, had cash in it, and this woman had a closet full of purses something like a dozen if I remember.  Whew!  the robber than told us to go into the bathroom and count to 100 real slowly….Man!  ain’t that something, seems like all these criminals have the same getaway procedure of counting to 100 or higher.  All do the same thing when they’re committing a crime such as a robbery.  But no matter, at least we weren’t harmed or worst if you know what I mean.  Remember how Sharon Tate fared?  I rest my case on that!  When I relayed that the sponsor I had didn’t even bother to comfort me whatsoever!  Oh well, another traumatic moment in the life of.

It sucks let me tell you.

When I ask for your prayers I’m not just being hokey or corny….I really do need them everyone.  Or however else you worship I really do need them.  For I am in the utmost pain just trying to find my way into the World & out of this miserable, uncaring, unfriendly town.

were bigotry, discrimination, and indifference seem to reign supreme here.   When I was a little girl I just couldn’t imagine what I was in for down the road.  Don’t think I would have wanted to stick around if I had.

Oh well maybe I’ll go to the grocery to find some sort of vegetarian whatever to eat tonight. Then perhaps do some heavy duty prayer & read whatever passage to take this inner turmoil away.  Don’t like TV it sucks & there is nothing but garbage intended to turn your mind to mush.  Don’t believe me?  Just turn on you boob tube then you’ll know what I mean.

Well that’s it from the diary of one struggling, sometimes real lost with a sense of despair woman trying to make her way into the World.

Hopefully there are some good people out there waiting to meet someone like me.  People who accept me just the way I am & not for what they want me to be.

One can only hope.

Public schools….they just suck!

Lets give a big thumbs down for our public school system shall we? 

Aah, public school, what can I say about it?  Lack of just about anything!  sub par textbooks that often times are so boring & dry that they’d put anyone into a coma.   I remember, most boring books ever, and I love to read.  Teachers that for the most part aren’t dedicated to students unless they are those students who find school a breeze.  You know who they are.  Every school in every state has these types of students.  These are the ones who always have their hands up in the air, the ones who always know the answers.  And that’s great. 

However, if I were to talk to these Teachers who are in charge of the class room I would say to them this: Why not focus on those kids in your class room who aren’t doing as well?  Those students that are withdrawn, struggling, those students who may lack confidence in a room with the more confident kids who seem to know all the answers.   That’s what I would ask.  Lets face facts, kids are just not given an opportunity for a good quality or even half quality education.

Especially when a school has a population of 90% or higher rate of minorities primarily African American, Hispanic.  So in other words the poorer schools were teaching is sub par, textbooks that are outdated, lack of decent school equipment.  These schools get severely neglected as do the children attending them.  How do I know?  I’ve attended such schools.

I’ll address the public school I attended in Los Angeles California.  It was lousy.  I even knew this when I was a young kid.  The Teachers I remember having were either bored & indifferent or high strung & nervous & it has occurred to me after all these years well into my adulthood that the Teachers I had just weren’t capable nor I believe didn’t have the temperament nor experience to deal with children.

I could sense this even when I was a little girl.  I knew deep down that something wasn’t right with the Teachers I had, only I couldn’t explain what it was cause I was so young.  For me it felt awful!  The home work assignments were a complete joke.  No substance to the assignments either in or out of the class room.  There is just more to teaching something than explaining how its done than asking the class for answers.  Don’t these vapid people understand this?  Lack of insight is one reason I feel.  Cause there are some students who have no way of understanding what the Teacher is even talking about!  These students are too ashamed of saying so for fear of being shamed by the other students, the Teacher, or both.   This was the case for me.

You see, I wasn’t a dumb kid, I was a traumatized one!  Separated from my Mother by the all too corrupt court system that didn’t care for neither my Mother or myself, I was just one miserable little kid.   I hated my Step Mom who would have been better suited being a jail guard then someone who is in charge of caring for children, and a Dad that had a Peter Pan complex.   I wasn’t getting what I needed.  Ooh that just really makes my blood boil over!

Parents need to be proactive in their children’s education.  Or get someone who will.  The child simply will not make it otherwise can you say dropout?  Neglect is not an option here where education of our of children are concerned.  For there is no such thing as a dumb child no matter what the struggle. 

Patience, determination, more quality time spent on homework, talking with Teachers on a lesson plan are needed.  If you hit a wall on these four things consider alternatives.  Charter or magnet schools, homeschooling.   There are always a wealth of options you just need to look for them.  None of this was done for me sadly.   And it has cost me despite having tried diligently all my life to make up for the lack of help I didn’t get.  Remember the saying “it takes a village to raise a child”  its not just a tired cliché it is very much true.

Believe me the amount of time invested in your child’s education will pay off ten fold.

No child is dumb.  But children need loving guidance not abuse or threats to “learn or else” .


Unless you want the children of tomorrow to be a burden on the legal system ( which I managed to dodge)
A burden on your tax dollars
Then you’ll make sure to make time.
Remember intelligent children are made not born, if they’re struggling don’t give up cause there is still time to correct the problem. The key is to be diligent!